Borderline Personality Tantrum Over My Weight

Last Wednesday, I threw a "fit" about my weight. (I have been struggling with denial about my eating disorder, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2011/06/coming-out-of-denial.html). That morning while trying to figure out what pants to wear, it became do I have anything that fits? I was quite angry with myself and distressed. I began to think, "this 6 times per day isn't helping, I'm gaining weight, I can't fit into my cloths, I might as well give up and go back to my eating disorder completely, etc...note the Borderline Personality black/white & all or nothing thinking. I was crying in session...basically I was a mess.

Calm down...my therapist and I helped me do this. (I actually was an active participant...hooray for for me.) With some prompting, I reminded myself that I just was taking medication that caused me to gain weight, be "puffy," increased my appetite, and caused water retention and salt retention. I also was going to start my menstrual cycle the following week (actually today) and I always go up about one size.

My therapist also reminded me that I have not been able to get around much, so I've been very sedentary. This definitely does not help the situation. He also emphasized that I need to keep eating because my body needs nutrients to heal my sprained ankle and respiratory system and recover completely from my pneumonia. (My doctor who is treating me for my respiratory system also told me that it will take more than three months to feel back to the way I was before my pneumonia...sheesh)

My mind when Borderline racing before my session, but I was able to use some coping skills with help to calm myself down. I came out of my distorted thinking to reality. It was quite an agonizing process, but well worth it.  Oh and did I ever fight every step of the way!!  :-)

I also not stepped on a scale in a month, but boy am I tempted today.  I'm still eating about 5-6 times per day which is the goal. I started to obsess about what I was eating and the amount. My therapist stopped me and asked what the only goal is for this time in my struggle with my eating disorder? ANSWER: Simply, eat something 6 times per day. 

I wonder if you have a goal that is simple that you add extra stipulations that are not necessary? I don't want to feel alone in this so please share. (yes, a cheap attempt at getting comments, but I really do what you to think about this issue. It is quite helpful). Take care of yourself!!

Coming Out of Denial

Eating Disorders by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

I know that I've written about my eating disorder before, but I feel like I'm actually coming out of denial as how much of a problem/addiction that it is and the cost that I pay. The shirts above, some of which I purchased, emphisized the point.  I actually have ones that say "anorexia" on them.  When I shared them with my therapist he cheered and said, "coming out of denial."  I am determined not to let this consume my life anymore.  I want to move on and reach my goals.  This is a tough road to travel, even as I begin.  However, I am meeting my goal of eating at least 5-6 times per day even if some days it is a tablespoon of ice cream, peanut butter, Nutella, etc...I am proud of myself for meeting my goal.

Again, ED Recovery More Difficult

I apologize to everyone as I haven't had the energy to read and comment on your blogs.  It has been tough for me emotionally.  I know that I've written about this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself.

This past week, my therapist and I finally figured out what the next step is that I can manage without getting over-whelmed or too anxious.  The whole goal right now is to just try to eat something six times per day.  I didn't realize how difficult that would be when my natural instinct is to not eat at all.  Sometimes, it is a piece of chocolate or a Tablespoon of ice cream or four bites of a salad.  Right now, I am not to focus on eating those foods that I consider good or bad.

We go over the log whenever I want to and not according to any schedule.  So far, it is Monday and Thursday.  It is making me aware of how difficult it is too eat.  It also is making me aware of how little I eat and how this is normal for me.  It is an addiction, but abstinence is not the goal.  My therapist has me comment more than he comments...non-judgemental

I'm getting angry at my self and feel like my body is betraying me because I am now feeling hunger during the day.  I'm really wrestling with this and I have my cellular telephone alarms go off at specific times during the day.  However, I can choose to eat or not...it really is my choice.

The irony of today is that I want to eat something because I can't.  I have to get a fasting blood drawn this morning.

This really sucks...

Eating Disorder's Intensity

Last week, I was mostly MIA as I had a very difficult week.  My therapist and I talked about my eating disorder, so I was exhausted and quite preoccupied.  Power struggles and all.

One thing that caught us both off guard is how intense my need to control and rage are.  The session where this came up was quite contentious.  The next day we were able to discuss it.  Dealing with this is needs to go much slower than I want and expected.  I am keeping an eating log.  I'm surprise by how much I eat and how much I don't.  Neither is very good.

Yesterday's session was also quite difficult as he is backing off and only discussing it if I bring it up.  He wants me to take initiative to show him that I really want to get better.  It puts the responsibility on me,  helps to avoid power struggles and if I really want to get better. I have mixed feelings about this.  He also keeps saying that  "people are going to do what they want to do."  So, I will see how much I really want to get better.

Eating Disorder Recovery ~ Another Start

I know that I haven't updated you about my eating disorder (anorexia) since September.  I hate talking about it and have become quite defensive since this time.  I'm frustrated that I can't seem to lose weight and my clothes are starting not to fit now.  I also wonder if it part of my PMS as I usually gain a size or two during the "bloat phase."  But, that doesn't matter to me.

I am so frustrated with my weight because I can't seem to lose any of the weight that I gained (60 pounds) from my pneumonia treatment.  However, I am grateful that I am alive with the medications that had me gain the weight.  But, I am getting into "trouble" with my thoughts and eating patterns which are becoming obsessive.

This past week, my therapist and I talked about it extensively and I didn't fragment.  Hooray!!!  I do want to get better and at the same time I want to dig my heels in.  He said that with my weight that I get to have my eating disorder with anyone knowing about it.  Also, that both thoughts can coexist.  He also realizes that I have distorted thinking when I believe that I can get back to 00 to 2 or a size 24-25.  He also realizes that I really want to get back there as well as I want to get better.

In one sense he is going to push me and in another he isn't.  He is going to help me really address my eating disorder and I am going to try to let him.  On the other side, he said if he feels like he wants it more than me that he will stop working on that issue or if I stop progress with his assignments.  He said that he is will not become frustrated with me as he will stop working with me until I am ready again.  (Kicks up abandonment issues again...different issue).

My assignment for this weekend is to create a meal chart with the days of the week and six boxes for each day.  Basically, he is trying to get me used to eating something at least six times per day...chocolate even counts for only one.  At this point, he doesn't care what I eat as long as I make progress.  He also suggested to reduce my simple carbohydrates in half which is also good for my husband as well.  Since my depression disabled me, I have not been eating healthy like we used to do so.  My husband is going to help me with this.

Next week, my therapist wants me to work on talking to him about the ways that I hide my eating disorder and ways, in which, I skip meals and continue with my anorexic behavior.  Telling my secrets...some that no one has heard about before.  Actually, he is the only person that I really talk to about it and that isn't saying much.

Here I go again...trying to address my eating disorder!  Sigh!!  More than 30 years makes it a difficult addiction to break...Yes, it is an addiction.  So, I know that my progress with be up and down.  I am also scared...I don't want to let go of control even though I know that my eating disorder is controlling me and that control is just an illusion.

Eating Disorder Update

I sit here wanting to write an update on my progress with my eating disorder, but I must be defending because here I just sit!!  For those of you who don't know, I am anorexic.  However, due to medical issues over the past 18 months, I have gained more than 60 pounds.  I find it difficult to lose weight without reverting to my eating disordered patterns.

Well, first off, I decided that I was not ready to really utilize my dietician right now.  Bottomline is that this is a bigger problem than I ever imagined, but I guess more than 30 years of disordered eating is hard to overcome.  My therapist and psychiatrist are addressing these issues with me.  My psychiatrist was a specialist in eating disorders for more than 20 years which I didn't know when I started seeing him.

I know that my body is toner than before as my clothes are fitting better and I'm wearing smaller sizes.  Those close to me say that I look like I've lost weight. However, the numbers on the scale are not budging.  I know that muscle mass is heavier, but I am sooooo focused on the numbers.  I know that I should get rid of the scale, but I need to weigh myself periodically for my infusion treatment. 

I just want to lose the weight.  Just lower the scale numbers.  I want to lose weight faster and I know how to do it.  I know that it isn't healthy.  But, I know that once I get to the weight that I want that I can maintain it...actually, there is no end to stopping losing weight.  The compliments make me want to lose faster and more.  I'm really catagorizing food into "good" and "bad" foods...danger!!!  I also know that with the issues that are coming up in therapy that my eating disorder is really kicking up as it is a defense too.

I hate eating disorders!!!

Dietician Meeting

On Tuesday, I had a meeting with my dietician.  Meeting with her is quite difficult especially as my husband is present.  I do want him to be there as I know that it is healthy for him to be there.  I don't like being honest with her...actually, it is I who doesn't want to hear what is actually happening. 

I am really having difficulty eating the six small meals per day.  To add to it the things, I found out that what I have been marking as a small meal is actually a snack.  Sigh.  I am keeping snacks in the car and a cereal/granola bar in my purse.  Oh, I've been eating them as well.

Due to a variety of reasons, I have not been exercising as much as my goals are.  The frustrating thing is that right before I got sick.  Three days per week, I was running on the treadmill and doing a weights.  The other thing that we are addressing is my cooking twice per month.

During the month period since I met with her, I discovered that I hate the feeling of being hungry.  I feel like my body is betraying me.  I liked it better when I didn't get hungry at all.  CONTROL!!

I think that I wrote, that my psychiatrist and therapist disagree on what is more important.  My psychiatrist told me that he would rather have me focus on exercise instead of cooking.  My therapist told me that he would rather have me cooking than focus on exercise.  I agree with my therapist as it does get me moving about, shopping, interacting with others, gets me out of the house and it is something that I used to REALLY enjoy.

I haven't actually lost anymore weight; however, I still am able to wear clothing that I wasn't able to before.  Also, I am able to wear jewelry that I couldn't before and my watchband and belt are in in the holes to make them smaller.  My husband also says that I feel smaller.  Still I focus on the scale number and my lab results.

I hate this!!! 

Angry, Discouraged and Fat

Tonight, I am really having a tough time.  I'm really wanting to cut and I'm so angry at myself.  When the weekend started, I was already having a difficult time and I know I misinterpreted what my therapist told me, but yet it sticks in my head and feelings.  I wonder if this is what I look like now?

I was quite excited about the Nordstrom Opening and was looking forward to making some purchases.  There were approximately 2000 people waiting to go in.  I was one of probably the first 50 as those who had a make up make-over were first.  It was an incredible crowd (lots of PRN and trying to get into a place to breathe) which was exciting.  The store opened at 10 am and the make overs at 8 am; however, there were people there since 7 am.  The Nordstrom brothers were there!!! The store is absolutely beautiful!!!  With many, many sitting breaks, I left about 2:30pm.  Then, took a three hour nap.

I was talking with all my usual sales person's some who have moved up or to another department because of the changes.  Last week, I was talking to one of the sales person's who became a manager of the department.  She knows me, but hasn't seen me in quite awhile.  The first thing that she did was to congratulate me and asked how far along I was.  I explained all the medical stuff and she was embarrassed and profusely apologetic. (Obviously, this upset me, but I put it aside. Tonight I am thinking about it).

The way that my weight sits does look like I am pregnant.  I look fine from the front and back, but from the side I look pregnant.  I'm really discouraged and any at myself as I couldn't find anything that I could fit into that I wanted and even the tunics that I liked did not fit.  I just wanted to cry, but the women in the department that know me were somewhat comforting.  I just wanted to purchase something that I needed.  I did end up purchasing some shorts, but will probably return them.  I had to return some bras that would have fit when I ordered them, but they don't now. I had to exchange them for a different size.  I used mail order.

A couple of weeks ago, my doctor wanted me to see a cardiologist due to my labs from three months ago and my weight gain.  She wanted him to do a treadmill stress test which I am unable to complete due to my respiratory issues.  I told her that nothing has changed since my last visit except that I lost six pounds.  So, she and I decided to run labs again, but I needed to return "fasting."  I haven't gone back.

I also know that I've gained weight because my clothes are not fitting me the same.  I know I'm starting my menstrual cycle this coming week, but I am really angry with myself and discouraged that I will ever lose my weight by the methods advised by my dietician!!  And, I'm not even reaching my goal of six small meals per day. I don't know if I want to cry or scream...I do want to cut...not going there.

I feel like throwing up!!

The title of this post is a bit deceiving as I have never purged, but I just feel like I want to throw up as I feel so emotional.

I'm sorry everyone because I keep writing about my eating disorder, but this has been very emotional and difficult for me.  I don't feel like writing about other things right now or even enter my past journal entries which are somewhat less difficult. But, on Tuesday evening my clothes were picked up for donation except for five boxes which requires a second trip. The following is a letter that I wrote last night to my therapist.

May 5, 2010 ~ 7:15 pm

Gary,

I’m sorry that I brought up that Ed picked up my clothing yesterday at the very end of session. I really didn’t know that it was a deal for me. But, as you pointed out and I pointed out…my fragmenting started from Monday, at least. I was able to kind of hide it until today. I’m tearing up as I have so much ambivalence about this.

I wanted to donate the clothing and was excited to do so…didn’t know that there were approximately 400 pieces of clothing and that is without counting them all. And, they were the x-small, small, 24, 25, 00 & 0 sizes. Lots of really cute, cool stuff in them. I feel kind of empty, but it was a relief to donate them. Also, I think that I’m just giving up that I will ever be that size again. I know that it isn’t healthy and it scares me sometimes realizing how thin I became. But, I still want to be able to know that I can get there. But, donating them says, “No, I’m not going back there. I want to get better.”

Then, there is the other part that says, “I don’t have a problem and fitting into those clothes was okay.” I’m finally letting myself know how sick I was and that this is a problem…I guess, I’m still sick. I wanted to grab all the clothing back and tell him, “no, I’ll need them again.” I want to be that size, but I also realize that there is a huge cost and that I don’t want my life to revolve around food. I want to reach my goals especially earning my Psy.D.

I also feel a little scared about taking the steps that I have taken. Going through my clothes, donating them, working with a dietician, trying to cook one time a week and eat six small meals. All of this has and is much more difficult than I anticipated. It sounded easily doable and I thought that I could. But, I’m finding out there is more to this than just eating. Duh, like I didn’t know that. It is different experiencing it versus knowing it. After 30 years, it is a long time to change the way I eat, look at food, my body and my weight.

I know that it is a choice, but I don’t always choose the best one. Then, I think I am bad. I know self-hatred again. It really isn’t so much about control as it is about self-hatred, right? The wanting to disappear, the feeling that I don’t exist, and it is a slow suicide. It does come down further to self-care and self-comforting in non destructive ways. Also, wanting someone to take care of me. I have a lot of feelings, but I cannot identify them. However, I keep becoming tearful.

The needing to lose weight combined with trying not to starve is making my head spin.

How do I change something that I’ve struggled with for about 30 years…I know, I’m not, but I feel really alone tonight. I suppose, I should go eat dinner.

Love,

Coleen

P.S. ~ I’m also disappointed that I didn’t receive any comments on my Monday’s or Tuesday's posts regarding BPD and then Judy and Arleen. Again, wanting validation when it isn’t necessary.

I Didn't Think It Would Be This Difficult!! ED Sucks!!!

This is what my recovery so far has been like.  I'm damned if I do and damned it I don't."  If I eat and meet my goal from my dietician, I feel good that I've met the goal except more of me is angry at myself for eating.  If I don't meet my goal, I feel angry and happy that I didn't eat.  It is just crazy feeling inside.  So many mixed feelings and so much ambivalence.

My veil of denial is being lifted and I don't like what I see.  I'm looking at how severe my eating disorder became and how my therapist should have hospitalized me, but knew I would not cooperate.  I'm noticing how much my thought life is consumed by my eating disorder.  It is exhausting and never ending.  It is a true addiction...addiction to not eating...same chemicals in the brain involved. 

Yet, still I sit here going, "do I eat dinner or not."  Knowing full well that it is a choice and that I have to decide.  But, I also know that it is difficult given that it is an addiction.  My therapist said that in light of how long and severe it became that this is supposed to be difficult and there is no way around it.  He also said that it is okay to go up and down and that it doesn't have to be perfect.  I really didn't expect this to be this difficult, so emotional or that it would take up so much of my time. 

I also, am trying to cook a meal this week as suggested by my dietician.  Well, yesterday I actually went grocery shopping and was so exhausted that I slept for three hours afterward.  My therapist focused on that accomplishment and that it was a start.  Tonight, I might do the prep and tomorrow cook.  We will see.  But the first decision is to eat or not tonight...?

Eating Disorder by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Polyvore Eating Disorder Collage ~ Part II

Eating Disorder2 by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com