Clinically Clueless: I feel like throwing up!!

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I feel like throwing up!!

The title of this post is a bit deceiving as I have never purged, but I just feel like I want to throw up as I feel so emotional.

I'm sorry everyone because I keep writing about my eating disorder, but this has been very emotional and difficult for me. I don't feel like writing about other things right now or even enter my past journal entries which are somewhat less difficult. But, on Tuesday evening my clothes were picked up for donation except for five boxes which requires a second trip. The following is a letter that I wrote last night to my therapist.

May 5, 2010 ~ 7:15 pm

Gary,

I’m sorry that I brought up that Ed picked up my clothing yesterday at the very end of session. I really didn’t know that it was a deal for me. But, as you pointed out and I pointed out…my fragmenting started from Monday, at least. I was able to kind of hide it until today. I’m tearing up as I have so much ambivalence about this.

I wanted to donate the clothing and was excited to do so…didn’t know that there were approximately 400 pieces of clothing and that is without counting them all. And, they were the x-small, small, 24, 25, 00 & 0 sizes. Lots of really cute, cool stuff in them. I feel kind of empty, but it was a relief to donate them. Also, I think that I’m just giving up that I will ever be that size again. I know that it isn’t healthy and it scares me sometimes realizing how thin I became. But, I still want to be able to know that I can get there. But, donating them says, “No, I’m not going back there. I want to get better.”

Then, there is the other part that says, “I don’t have a problem and fitting into those clothes was okay.” I’m finally letting myself know how sick I was and that this is a problem…I guess, I’m still sick. I wanted to grab all the clothing back and tell him, “no, I’ll need them again.” I want to be that size, but I also realize that there is a huge cost and that I don’t want my life to revolve around food. I want to reach my goals especially earning my Psy.D.

I also feel a little scared about taking the steps that I have taken. Going through my clothes, donating them, working with a dietician, trying to cook one time a week and eat six small meals. All of this has and is much more difficult than I anticipated. It sounded easily doable and I thought that I could. But, I’m finding out there is more to this than just eating. Duh, like I didn’t know that. It is different experiencing it versus knowing it. After 30 years, it is a long time to change the way I eat, look at food, my body and my weight.

I know that it is a choice, but I don’t always choose the best one. Then, I think I am bad. I know self-hatred again. It really isn’t so much about control as it is about self-hatred, right? The wanting to disappear, the feeling that I don’t exist, and it is a slow suicide. It does come down further to self-care and self-comforting in non destructive ways. Also, wanting someone to take care of me. I have a lot of feelings, but I cannot identify them. However, I keep becoming tearful.

The needing to lose weight combined with trying not to starve is making my head spin.

How do I change something that I’ve struggled with for about 30 years…I know, I’m not, but I feel really alone tonight. I suppose, I should go eat dinner.

Love,

Coleen

P.S. ~ I’m also disappointed that I didn’t receive any comments on my Monday’s or Tuesday's posts regarding BPD and then Judy and Arleen. Again, wanting validation when it isn’t necessary.