PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 6/18/07...filling in the gaps

Trigger Warning!!!

I am feeling panicked and almost terrified to share this with you.  I can feel myself start to go away...my fingers are tingly, things are beginning to become echoy.  Coleen, just stay here, stay here.  I actually wrote a story about my life of abuse using excerpts from 2007 forward when the flashback really became intense and I was still working full time.  Although the following is out of sequence from my past journal entries, I think that it will help explain what was going on in the last entries.  This was written on 6/18/07 when I remembered what occured.

Gary...I was surprised by my reaction to talking about “the medium on the hill” church. I remember it was an evening service (I think a Friday, I don’t remember going to school the next day) in a small church on some sort of residential or resort grounds. In the front was a podium and two kneelers behind. I remember being able to get candy and maybe a word puzzle book at the liquor store just before the turn off PCH. I had to wear a dress even though not all women did. Maye went with us most of the time. I remember, I was the only child there because my mother and Maye made special arrangements because usually children as young as I was did not stay. There were some teenagers there.

The woman’s voice scared me because she was almost shouting and quite flamboyant. Sort of like the Pentecostal churches. She would give a “message,” there was music and time for prayer. During most of it, I sat on the floor coloring, completing the puzzles or reading, so I really did not hear much of what was going on. It seemed like I blocked it out because I remember that I knew the reason that I was there was to receive prayer. Prayer for others, I saw included laying on of hands and what must have been some type of tongues. It scared me. I also remember that I did not want to go up there. I felt like I knew I was going to be hurt physically. Felt like I had to be dragged by my mother and Gene gave me that look. I felt absolutely terrified, panicked and wanted to run, but I knew that two of the men would run after me. Having all those people encircle me and touch me to pray really freaked me out and what they said scared me especially since I did not understand much of it.

Apparently, my mother had spoken with the woman before because she knew what Maye, Gene and my mother wanted her to pray for me. She called me evil and that my family stated that I was evil because I did not follow my parents’ directions and rules and rejects father. I remember feeling angry that she referred to Gene as my parent and father. She added that she also knows because of her special gift from God that I was extremely stubborn and something to the effect of defiant. I don’t remember what was exactly said, but this is the gist of what I remember, but I am using adult terms.

After what seemed like a really long time of prayer, in which, I was sore from kneeling and my neck being pushed down as someone put their hand on my head and as they got tired they began leaning on my head. She stated that the devil was inside and was stubborn to leave, but needs to leave so that the evil inside of me would leave too. To me that meant I would no longer be evil. (I’ve had lost of slide show type flashbacks the weekend which have been quite disturbing and I feel like I really need to talk and really don’t want to because I keep thinking that I’m making it up…like I can’t believe that they would be involved in a cult like church. Also, that there has been so much that I’ve remembered already makes it hard to believe that something happened here too. I do know that I felt extremely terrified when we talked about it at the end of session on Wednesday. Every time, I think about the church, I get spacey, dizzy, buzzy and numb.)

After the prayer, I don’t know what happens next, but I know I am going to feel physical pain, where I don’t know. I kept thinking I’m going to get hurt after they pray. I remember thinking of running, but knew if I ran they would catch me and the pain would be worse. I remember wanting my mother to protect me, confused that she was allowing this, even made arrangements for it and being really angry at her for being a part of this, having no one to turn to or to explain things. Gene and my mother even helped them hurt me. I don’t know how. All I know right now is that I felt a lot of physical pain, but I don’t even know where. But, I can remember being inside the church, some of what people including myself was wearing, the odors especially of the incense (and perfumes, colognes, candles burning, and the wood of the building and pews), can hear the crickets and frogs outside, etc…I am absolutely terrified. (I’ve been having nightmares about the church and have not slept the last two nights very well. I had difficulty falling asleep, which is not the norm for me. I’ve been falling asleep around 3 am. I really don’t like not knowing.)

Flashbacks include: There is a table with a purple cloth covering it. The “medium” is wearing a long purple and black dress. I’m on the table naked…someone holding my arms down and someone holding my feet and legs to the table. A choice was given for me to either be held down or tied down…I don’t understand. I don’t know who got to make the decision. I’m extremely embarrassed…exposed…buttocks healing from bruises, various stages…Everyone in the church can see me. At first I could leave my underwear on, but the “medium” sees some of the bruises showing from my white lacey edged underwear. The “medium” says that my mother and Gene did not do enough…and this is such a difficult case that the whole church needs to help…rejection of parents is the same as rejecting god. she wanted me to cry and then I would stop being hurt, but I couldn’t and I was trying…so I need to bleed…don’t know how, where or with what…who is holding me…suggested salt to absorb and protect me from evil…basin of water…

(just vague flashes during the weekend and as I am trying to fall asleep. Could not even nap even with my PRNs. Somewhere in the middle of the events, I go completely away and wake up at home the next morning hoping it was a dream, but it wasn’t. Feeling really overwhelmed, panicked and terrified to talk about this, but I do want to know more. Feeling really crazy and in disbelief…I’m sure I’m making this up. I’m really quite terrified and don’t know what to do or what is going on. Feeling really crazy, flooded and overwhelmed.)

Remember these are events that I remembered in June of 2007 and are not currently occuring.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: JANUARY 5, 2006

Past journal entry

January 5, 2006 – Saturday/Sunday Morning - 3:57 AM & 12:05 PM

Gary-

You were right about it being loud and my being more depressed and wanting to act out. I’ve really been wanting to injure myself…it is louder than it has been in a while. The forewarning was helpful. I’ve also been having additional flashes of stuff and nightmares where I wake up screaming. I’ve also realized more about Maye [step-father's mother].

All of the flashes occur in Maye and Bill’s [step-parents] bedroom. Some have to do with the makeup, tarot cards or both of us being naked. She showed me her privates and made me touch and had me show her mine and she inserted her fingers. Felt creepy and icky. I also remember and feel bad because a part of me felt ashamed, but another felt curious and wanted to learn.

I also liked the extra attention, just someone spending time with me. Makes me realize that I so wanted attention, but did not because it usually got me into trouble. Very confusing. I also am having flashes of Bill standing on the left side of the bed in a blue shirt and nothing else. He was erect and Maye was sitting on the bed with me. Also, at times, feeling absolutely terrified, enraged and in physical pain.

I really hate her and am having homicidal thoughts again about burning the whole house and garage. The things she said I did not believe her at first, but I feel bad because I believed what she said was true. I also think that my mother putting the tarot card of death in my room did not help. I never did like Maye and Arleen [my aunt] told me that everyone always thought that she was odd and it was not the psychic stuff, just her personality. She could really be mean to my mother. Gene was always right and always perfect.

Maye used to call up my mother and yell, call her names and cuss at her until my mother was in tears. I used to tell her just to hang up or take the telephone from her and hang up the telephone myself. Sometimes, the telephone would ring again after it was hung up, but we just let it ring. I’m assuming that it was Maye…before answering machines. I just realized that it took a lot of effort to do that as Maye and Bill never had a telephone. They always had to use the pay phone a few blocks away.

Just little thoughts and flashes and feelings. I kept thinking of leaving a message, but I got ridged again even though it would have helped. Everything is bad and I seem to feel ashamed about everything. Even so, I asked Adrian to take time off to take me to my mammogram this Tuesday.

Self injury makes a little more sense. Usually, it is about anger or feeling like I deserve to be punished or I have to hurt myself because I feel bad or evil. That is what she made the sexual and physical abuse into.

[No obserations on this journal entry as it has triggered me...sigh!]

Past journal entry

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005 ~ Physical Abuse!

I'm kind of in a strange place with writing today (Sunday) for tomorrow's post. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, lots going on in therapy, lots going on personally and then wanting to get back to writing excerpts from my journal.

I keep picking it up and realizing that I don't want to write what is in there because it makes things more real which is part of the purpose. I've been talking in more generalities in therapy which keeps me a little removed from the reality of how really bad it was, so I guess I'll start with my journal.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005

Geoffrey,

I 'm really having a difficult time this morning with just being present and alternating from feeling agitated/overwhelmed to wanting to die/bruise/cut to having more flashbacks to tearing up to wanting to scream.

Remember arriving at my step-father's parents and beginning to exit the van and my step-father grabbing my shirt to pull me back and then my arm. He dragged me over the engine and pulled me into the section between the engine and the back seat.

I remember hearing him closing the door and hearing him lock it. I was really scared and felt so trapped. And, felt that dropping of my stomach. I remember him yelling at me to not be disrespectful and not to talk back. I remember thinking I didn't know what I did wrong, but I figured I shouldn't have said that I wanted to go to my grandparents instead of his parents.

Then, he slid into the back grabbed me, pulled my pants and underwear down and pushed my head into the engine cover and pulled me up higher. He kept yelling at me. I remember the feel of the pattern of the cover against my cheek.

Although I was faced in the opposite direction, I could hear him unbuckle and take his belt off. Remember hearing the belt go thru the air and hit the ceiling and then hit me. It really hurt. He kept hitting me and made the back of my legs and my lower back hurt too. The pain radiated.

Remember, he became angry that the ceiling interfered , so he shortened the length. Then, he was able to hit harder and faster. I wanted so much to cry and to scream because it hurt so much. I focused on the engine cover pattern, the latches and the warmth of the engine.

He was so angry. I was so scared. He was so out of control and angry and just kept hitting felt like it was never going to end because he was hitting so hard and so fast. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out because it hurt so much.

I was also really afraid that he would take me into the back and force himself on me. I remember the smell of the engine and the oil. He sometimes would lock up up in the back and he would force himself on me and it hurt so much I really wanted to cry and scream, but kept focusing on the black sealing around the doors and the handles. Wished I could just unlock the door grab the handles, open the door and run.

When he was hitting me, I kept thinking about trying to unlock the door and get away, but knew I couldn't be fast enough and when he caught me I'd be in more trouble and he'd be even angrier. I kept imagining that he was going to hit my head on the engine cover repeatedly until I died. Or that he would repeated hit my head on the window or try to put my head through the windshield.

I was so afraid that he was going to really hurt or kill me. I also, remember wanting to die when he hit me that time or when he would force himself on me. Feel so much like crying and screaming...I really wanted to then, but knew it would just make it worse. I was also afraid that he was going to tell my mother that I misbehaved that day which he did, so my mother began screaming at me when she came home, "that your are lucky to have someone to take care of you and should be thankful that he stays with you and you need to listen and behave with him."

Then, she slapped me really hard twice. I was so angry and hurt. The slap really hurt and it was already painful to sit. Then, she basically didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, but when she tucked me into bed she warned me that I'd better behave with him tomorrow. Then, she made me kiss her which I really didn't want to do. I really wanted to push her away and scream and cry and was so glad the day was over.

Remember when Gene would force himself on me that I was so terrified. Just the look in his eyes. He looked so angry and it almost always hurt so much that I wanted to scream with each thrust. It was like all his anger was wrapped up in the push. I hurt so much. Felt like I was going to pass out from the pain sometimes. He was so rough.

Sometimes, I was also afraid that he was angry enough to choke me to death during those times. I felt like I was such a bad person that I needed to die or just wanted to get the pain to stop.

Remember being afraid of my mother when she was angry with me. Sometimes, in the car, I was afraid that she would push me out of the car while it was moving. I remember her threatening to throw me through the second story window. A part of me was really afraid she could get angry enough to do so.

Also, remember sometimes right before falling asleep being afraid that I would suffocate in my sleep. But, I knew she wouldn't do these. Actually, I really wasn't sure because sometimes, she could be so out of control and angry. She could really hurt me like with the ping-pong paddle, the yard stick, the slapping and slugging me.

Even, my father terrified me. The two times he threw me in the pool to make me learn how to swim, I thought that he was going to let me die. I didn't think it mattered. He could get so angry and his slapping me on the cheek or the mouth sometimes hurt more than my mothers. When, he spanked me with the belt it hurt just as much, but was shorter in duration.

Both left bruises and welts, but sometimes my step-father drew blood. It hurt so much to sit or go to the restroom. I don't think my mother knew. Actually, I'm not sure I wanted her to know because she would just become angrier with me.

I really was terrified and panicked all the time of getting hit or yelled at. Seems like everyone or someone was angry at most of the time just waiting to take it out on me.

Observations: This was really difficult to type. It was strange because I remembered it happening like a memory and remembered remembering it and all the feelings. I don't know if that makes any sense. But, it seems to have really made me, on a deeper level, realize how terrified and on edge I was all the time where ever I was. Geoffrey was right it was like being in the front lines of a war zone. This time, I also had a deeper sense of how young I was and how violent things were. Also, noticed that there was no way that I couldn't get the message that "I was bad." Not quite accepting, but getting there. I feel a little dizzy and buzzy, so I'll stop.