Past Journal Entry: Mother's Hitting ~ Part V

**TRIGGER WARNING**   **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: January 26, 2006

...I also keep remembering being startled awake by the vacuum cleaner and my mother screaming my name and for me to come help as  I already was supposed to know.  Sometimes, the door would come flying open and she would be constantly screaming "that I was bad, should know better, was lazy, should have been up, made too much of a mess and need to hurry and help." 

I felt so overwhelmed and had difficulty comprehending as I was startled awake.  When we move the the house, I immediately jumped out of bed and got dressed, but when I was younger it seemed more difficult to understand and to wake up which only seemed to anger her more.  I keep seeing the attachments being thrown at me and I would duck, so I didn't get hit.  I think she was trying to hit me.  It really scared me.  She seemed like someone else.

Kept seeming like she asked me to do things that I didn't understand, but I better give her some attachment.  If I gave her the wrong one, she would say I was stupid and should know the difference between the attachments.  I tried really hard to remember, but couldn't always remember, so I felt really bad and scared.  If I gave her the wrong one she would throw it at me, hen she would start pointing the right one out with the long tubes, but would hit me with the tubes if, but would hit me with the tubes if she was on the chair reaching the corners.  If she was lower sometimes I'd get hit with the tubes or she would just slap me.  Cleaning the bathroom, the floors and dusting usually ended up in me getting hit and almost always being called names and being screamed at when I was younger.  I was easier when I was older.

The whole cleaning the house thing was such a nightmare and I was so confused, terrified and felt bad...I couldn't do anything right...everything was bad.  I was bad...I made too much of a mess.  I should have known more, so that I could help her better.  I shouldn't have been taller and stronger.  I should have gotten up earlier.  I was really terrified and felt so bad and confused and frustrated that I couldn't remember or do what she wanted.  The screaming at me seemed so constant.

I really felt as if I were a bad person all the time from a very young age and terrified at some level from either her, my father or step-father.  And I felt so alone.  It is really painful if I let myself feel some of this .  I'm tired of crying, but I feel like I'm holding back my tears...felt like I did that last night with the tears getting caught in my throat and chest.

I never did cry, scream or say anything.  I just waited for her to stop and just went away.  It feels like I really taught myself not to make a sound, no matter how much emotional or physical pain I was in.  I always felt like I did something wrong or that something really bad was going to happen if I did.  Sometimes, felt like I was a bad person and deserved to die.  I felt really bad on so many different levels.  It is hard for me to think of my mother or step-father as abusive, in my head.  I had to make it something else.  I really feel like crying and like I need to hurt myself or die.

Comments and Observations:  I am really numb, so I don't really have anything to say.  This did continue from maybe six years old to fifteen, at least the physical part of it.  I'm feeling a little sick right now.  This is the last of journal entry dated January 26, 2006 in the morning.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part IV

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY:  January 26, 2006

...I also keep remembering the sound of her talking the ruler out of the desk drawer or the piece of wood off the window sill.  She didn't spank me very often, but when she did she was always yelling at me.  It was also embarrassing to have my underwear pulled down and felt so exposed and vulnerable.  She would hit so hard, sometimes I felt like I could pass out or vomit.  Felt so trapped.

Then, it was always painful to pull my underwear and pants up and to sit.  And, it never seemed to make sense to me...often times, I didn't even know if I didn't anything wrong...Actually, I don't think I was.  Usually we were the only ones home.  Again, I didn't cry, scream or say anything...I remember just staring at the silver knobs of the closed cabinets.  She was sooo angry and out of control.  I was afraid that he wasn't going to stop.  She kept yelling at me the whole time.  I think that she stopped when she became tired...often times, I bled. 

When I actually did do something wrong and she did discipline me, she would lecture me and raise her voice unless she was out of control.  When, I became older, she took away privileges.  And when we moved out of my Grandparents and into the duplex and later to a house, she started using a yardstick, but she would also tease or mimic spanking me with it whenever she felt like it...feel like crying now.

Comments and Observations:  I really don't feel like making any comments or observations as I feel as if I'm really disconnecting from this entry.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part III

**TRIGGER WARNING**   **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006

...And, I keep hearing her open the front door when we lived at Grandpa and Grandma's and her heels coming down the hall and seeing the door fly open and the look on her face really scared me because I'd never seen her that angry with me.  I so much wanted to hide.  Then, I keep seeing her hand coming toward my face and feel her her slapping me.  I wanted so much to scream and to cry out in pain...it hurt so much and I remember the slap pushed me to the ground.  At the time, she was yelling at me it was my fault that she was having problems with finding a job and problems with my father.  It was my fault that she even had to speak with him.  She wished that I never was born as I caused her so many problems. [I was probably about four years old]

After she slapped me and I was completely on the ground, she started to hit me with her fist on my shoulders and back...not very hard though...still I wanted to cry and scream.  I was scared to do so because she would only become more angry.  I was also afraid that someone would hear because I didn't want anyone to yell at her or get angry with her.  Then, we both pretended that nothing happened. [Continued pattern...]

After that incident, she  just stared to slap me frequently when she was angry or frustrated about anything.  I learned to listen very carefully how she opened the doors or walked.  But, I was always terrified of the door opening...not knowing for sure what would happen.  I was really confusing because, her coming home used to be a happy experience. [Her Borderline Personality Disorder in its glory.]

I also keep flashing back to her pushing me to the ground when I tried to comfort her sometimes when she was crying after talking with my father [sometimes it was okay].  I guess, I didn't read her right...she was really angry and I should have left her alone, but at the time, I didn't understand yet when it was okay to approach her and try to comfort and when she was angry and I should leave her alone.

I remember during one of the times that she pushed and then slapped me that I crawled into the corner which was close and covered my heard and she kept yelling at me about how it was my fault that she had to talk to my father and than I caused problems.  She kept slapping my head, shoulders and back, but Grandma intervened and told her to stop.  Then, my aunt came and we colored together.

Comments and Observations: At this point, we were living with my Grandparent's and aunt and uncle following the separation and subsequent divorce of my parents.  The divorce was quite nasty with many police visits, restraining orders, constant screaming, and my aunt's dog being killed after my father ran over her in a rage as he left.  I was probably 3-5 years old.  I'm having difficulty with feeling about this other than I am telling a story to you. DEFENSE.  More tomorrow.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part II

**TRIGGER WARNING **   **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006 continued

...The last several sessions and remembering what my mother did has been extremely difficult.  It is really hard for me to look at what she did.  I had to make her safe and I have been really surprised by the amount of things I've said and how scared I was.  She really terrified me. 

Also realized that you are a safe place for me and the initially it does feel good to talk, be listened to and comforted.  Also, hard to trust...keep thinking that you are going to turn on me or go away.  But it does feel good to geel safe with you and comforted...I can't seem to do that for myself right now.  There seems to be so much in my head...feels like I need to keep talking even if I'm repeating myself...I never said anything and no one really knew.  [This was a HUGE step for me and more so to verbalize it.]

I keep hearing her yelling at me that, "I'm bad...shouldn't have been born...it is my fault...I should know better...can't do anything right...don't listen enough...you're selfish...dramatic...cause all the problems with Gene and my father...deserve to be punished...never been born... too much trouble...need too much attention...to sensitive...he could kill you...ungrateful...you're bad...and it goes on and on."  Makes me feel really bad or realize how I felt like that all the time.  It is so loud and constant.

Observations and Comments:  Writing this post reminds me of how much verbal abuse I took and internalized.  It still effects me today.  I keep going back to "it wasn't that bad."  Even, now I am trying to go there.  More to come tomorrow.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part I

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

Now, it is time to confuse you again especially new readers.  This blog started out the way that it has been posted for this past year with the addition of my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES.  This was quite healing as I was able to tell my story to others and receive some feedback.  Well, I am going to start adding my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES again with my current day comments in [brackets].  All entries are address to my therapist, Gary, and was read to him during my sessions.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006

Gary,

I'm feeling really panicky and overwhelmed this morning.  I again had difficulty trying to get ready...ended up sitting on the floor in the hall tearing up.  Felt like, I didn't know what I was supposed to do.  Fells like I can't face the day...everything feels threatening and overwhelming.  Almost like I'm afraid to leave the house.  Feeling immobilized.  I took my PRNs, so hopefully that will help.  Feels like I just want to cry, wanting to bruise, cut and the suicidal thoughts are loud.   [At this point in time, I am really depressed and working full time.  It is beginning to take a toll on me.]

I haven't slept well for the past couple of nights.  Kept having nightmares and flashbacks.  Although, I only woke up a few times, I awoke in a panic, feeling trapped and like I couldn't escape and about to get slapped. [What doesn't come out during waking hours gets out somehow.  I was beginning to learn that I needed to talk with my therapist about the thoughts and flashbacks that I was having.]

Last night, when you asked if I wanted to talk about the flashbacks, I wasn't sure, but when I left one of my first thoughts was I really wanted to talk.  I get frustrated because I have to fight through so much just to feel, think or talk and sometimes, like last night, I wasn't very successful.

Last night, I felt bad about a couple of things you said.  One, was not feeling safe for Adrian [husband] to come back to bed...felt like you were telling me that I should be able to do so. The other was talking about my mother last.  I took it to mean that the stuff with my father and Gene [step-father] were not important or significant. [Borderline fragmenting.]

Comments and Observations:  This journal entry was quite lengthy, so it is broken up into five parts for the remainder of the week.

Past Journal Entry: January 2006 ~ Therapist Conflict Part II

Past Journal Entry: January 2006 ~ Therapist Conflict Part II

...I started to go away when I remembered, so I looked at you to try to stay present, but went away more when I felt like you weren't .  Then, the women walking in the hall made me flashback to hearing my mother's heels coming down the hallway and the door flying open or door being slammed and my getting hit, so I went away more.  (starting to tear up)

Really hurt to feel like you weren't listening or even there...partly trigged how alone I felt with my thoughts and feeling growing up.  Like it wasn't okay to talk last night.

I had difficulty getting home because I started to sob when I got on the freeway and cried all the way home.  I stopped a block away from home to try to get it together befor I went home.  Took about 10 to 15 minutes.  Then, I went straight to bed not wanting to interact or let Adrian know that I was crying. Once he left the bedroom I began crying more and you called shortly after.  Felt a little better after talking with you, but still felt bad.

The following monday...Today was really difficult. I think you really trigged how alone, unheard and misunderstood I felt. I'm feeling panicy right now and starting to cry.  I'm in your parking lot and there was a mother yelling at her little boy.  Then, there was a little girl crying and screaming...feels like I really need to do that, but it really made me anxious.

This week, it seems like I've remember living at Grandma and Grandpa's when I really haven't before.  Let alone talk about it.  Really feels like I need to talk, cry, scream and hit.  I really want to hit me or the glass...Everything just hurts and I keep flashing back to Grandma and Grandpa's, the duplex and Maye and Bill's [ex-step-father's parents].

Then, I think that it is my fault because I went and looked at the houses Monday...I just have to make everything bad.  I just want to curl up and die.  Guess I'm saying that I'm in a lot of pain.  Crying a little more now.

[I really don't know what was going on with this entry, but obviously there was some sort of thing going on with me with my therapist. I did read this to him and I know that he took responsibility for his part. By the time, I left I was relieved and felt really reconnected to him. I want to encourage all of you to let your therapist know what you are thinking and feeling regaring the way that they speak to you, what they say or anything else. I know how difficult it is and contrary to what we actually want to do, but do it anyway. :-) After almost nineteen years, I still have to journal it then read it. But, it is some of the most productive work you will do. It will also increase your ability to trust yourself and someone else.]

Past Journal Entry: January 2006 ~ Therapist Conflict Part II

Past Journal Entry ~ 2006 ~ More flashbacks

Past Journal Entry ~ January 19, 2006 ~ 5:30 PM

Gary,

I had a tough time last night.  I was actually still crying when we got off the telephone, but the medicatons were kicking in and I fell asleep, but woke up on and off between 2-4:30, then I was awake.

I've been feeling really bad about last night because I misinterpreted what was going on.  Then I became anxious because I kept thinking you are angry with me. I've been tearful and going away much of the day. I've really been wanting to cut put my hand through glass and stab my leg.

Last night, was really difficult as I kept remembering more of what it was like and how I felt when we lived with Grandma and Grandpa's.  When I thought that you weren't with me...I felt really bad...after what you said last night. I wonder if it was difficult for you to remain present last night.

When I though you weren't paying attention or listening to me.  I felt really bad and was angry.  Feeling like I was wasting my time and again there was no one to listen, felt really alone and I was in the middle of struggling to tell you about my mother slapping and hitting me and how I was terrified...I was also trying to get it out of my head because I didn't want to believe it. Always thought that I was older.

[I really don't know what was going on with this entry, but obviously there was some sort of thing going on with me with my therapist.  I did read this to him and I know that he took responsibility for his part.  By the time, I left I was relieved and felt really reconnected to him.  I want to encourage all of you to let your therapist know what you are thinking and feeling regaring the way that they speak to you, what they say or anything else. I know how difficult it is and contrary to what we actually want to do, but do it anyway. :-)  After almost nineteen years, I still have to journal it then read it.  But, it is some of the most productive work you will do.  It will also increase your ability to trust yourself and someone else.]

Past Journal Entry ~ January 19, 2006 ~ 5:30 PM...continued tomorrow

Past Journal Entry ~ 2006 ~ Glass

Past Journal Entry ~ January 18, 2006 ~ 6:30 PM

Gary,

Felt like I was on the verge of crying in the morning and really wanting to hit and scream.  Feeling bad and wanting to cut, put my hand through a window and stab my leg. Wanting to die.

Then, sometime in the morning after, I got to work felt like I just shut down and had lots of difficulty being present.  Couldn't focus and really didn't get any work done.  On the drive here, felt achy and tearful.  Now, that I'm here I really feel like crying and screaming and hitting.  Really wanting to hit the window of my car until it breaks. [Still having flashbacks]

Remember wanting to hit the glass on the window pane at Grandma and Grandap's until my hand went through while watching my father drive away...really wanting to scream and cry.

Remember wanting to break all the windows of Gene's van with my fits just wanting out...to get away.  Wanting so much to scream and scream and cry...fight to get away, but I couldn't.

Rember wanting to hurt myself by putting my fist through my bedroom window at the duplex and house.  At work, I have two sets of windows in my cube that go from almost to the floor to almost the ceiling with many panes...I've often thought that I'd like to just put my hand through one. Remember, during my hospitalization and in college the weeklong and some of the training and supervisons wanting to just go through the sliding glass doors.

Remember, my mother's threats to throw me out or through the second story window.  Wonder if that is connected.  Also, remember during one of the fights that a piece of furniture got pushed into the family room window and cracked...it was never fixed until the house was sold.

I don't know what it is about glass, but making a fist in the drinking glass was how I really first discovered cutting.  Almost thirty years later, I still have a scar.  I used to fantasize about the glass cups by throwing or squeezing my fist in them unti the bork in my hand cutting myself.

When I started, I didn't know what I was going to write...surprised at what I wrote and feels like I jut rambled on...feeling like crying and just want to understand what it is about the glass.

[Two things really strike me in this entry.  One, it seems like I am really angry and have turned it against myself.  Two, that putting my hand through glass is like russian roullette.  I could have minor damage or I could have fatal damage. Speaks of my ambivalene toward myself and life.  Also, speaks of my self-hatred and inability to express my emotions directly instead I say what I want to do and the other person has to figure out how I feel.]

Past Journal Entry ~ January 18, 2006 ~ 6:30 PM

Past Journal Entry: 2006 ~ Feeling Bad

Past Journal Entry: January 17, 2006 ~ 6:45 PM

Another entry from my past journals.  I hope that you can see the differance and the progress that I've made from that time until now and understand some of my process.  Current commentary will be in purple. (I hope, if I remember! LOL) Oh, most of my journal are addressed to my therapist, Gary, and most were read to him or discussed.

Gary,

Seems like I've had a difficult time since the end of session.  Feeling bad about talking about showing Adrian the different homes that in the area that I lived in and where most of my sexual abuse too place, lots of flashbacks, and alse about crying. [Over the weekend, we were in the area, so I showed my husband where I used to live, my grandparents and Gene's (step-father parents...I think, this really triggered me, but I am feeling guilty because "I did that to myself" Of course, now I know that wasn't the case.] I'm wanting to cut, put my hand threw glass and stab my lef.  Wanting to die and being really fearful and going away.

Today, was tough and when I got to the office, Kristina [co-worker] immediately made me feel bad and then, I was angry. [I reacted and fragmenting into "I am bad."  She was also fragmenting. :-)] She asked it I was going to the Union rally and board meeting tonight. [executive director was refusing to negotiate current contract]  I told her "no" because I have a therapy appointment. She told me that my job is more important than my therapy session and that I could always have the session tomorrow.  I told her that I do support the union and do what I can...She said that I only support them in words and that wasn't enough...I walked away and got frustated because I really wanted to leave a message with you, but couldn't get a signal.  I was feeling really bad and wanting to cut.

Then Niima came in and said that she knew that I supported the union in ways that I can and that Kristina is just fired up. I think, I was already making everything bad, but I had an extremely difficult time focusing today and kept going away.  However, I did do some good work with my difficult families and clients today face to face.

I keep having flashbacks...Like I can see myself and feel  what I felt in the duplex or at Grandma and Grandpa's or Maye and Bill's.  Feeling so alone, really wanting out of the duplex or Maye and Bill's , wanting someone to take care of me, listen to me, comfort me and help me to understand.

[Reading this reminds me of how much difficulty I was having with trying to focus on work with the flashbacks and feeling defensive and 'fragile' and 'reactive' all time. At this point, I was in therapy 7 hours per week due to the intensity of how things were for me.  Additionally, I was talking to him on the telephone almost everyday. Oh, did I mention that I was working full-time with a very intense case load...looking back, I felt like I was okay as long as I could work.  By the way, bad is not a feeling.  It is a self-judgement, in which, I am telling myself that I am a bad person.]

Past Journal Entry: January 17, 2006 ~ 6:45 PM

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: JANUARY 5, 2006

Past journal entry

January 5, 2006 – Saturday/Sunday Morning - 3:57 AM & 12:05 PM

Gary-

You were right about it being loud and my being more depressed and wanting to act out. I’ve really been wanting to injure myself…it is louder than it has been in a while. The forewarning was helpful. I’ve also been having additional flashes of stuff and nightmares where I wake up screaming. I’ve also realized more about Maye [step-father's mother].

All of the flashes occur in Maye and Bill’s [step-parents] bedroom. Some have to do with the makeup, tarot cards or both of us being naked. She showed me her privates and made me touch and had me show her mine and she inserted her fingers. Felt creepy and icky. I also remember and feel bad because a part of me felt ashamed, but another felt curious and wanted to learn.

I also liked the extra attention, just someone spending time with me. Makes me realize that I so wanted attention, but did not because it usually got me into trouble. Very confusing. I also am having flashes of Bill standing on the left side of the bed in a blue shirt and nothing else. He was erect and Maye was sitting on the bed with me. Also, at times, feeling absolutely terrified, enraged and in physical pain.

I really hate her and am having homicidal thoughts again about burning the whole house and garage. The things she said I did not believe her at first, but I feel bad because I believed what she said was true. I also think that my mother putting the tarot card of death in my room did not help. I never did like Maye and Arleen [my aunt] told me that everyone always thought that she was odd and it was not the psychic stuff, just her personality. She could really be mean to my mother. Gene was always right and always perfect.

Maye used to call up my mother and yell, call her names and cuss at her until my mother was in tears. I used to tell her just to hang up or take the telephone from her and hang up the telephone myself. Sometimes, the telephone would ring again after it was hung up, but we just let it ring. I’m assuming that it was Maye…before answering machines. I just realized that it took a lot of effort to do that as Maye and Bill never had a telephone. They always had to use the pay phone a few blocks away.

Just little thoughts and flashes and feelings. I kept thinking of leaving a message, but I got ridged again even though it would have helped. Everything is bad and I seem to feel ashamed about everything. Even so, I asked Adrian to take time off to take me to my mammogram this Tuesday.

Self injury makes a little more sense. Usually, it is about anger or feeling like I deserve to be punished or I have to hurt myself because I feel bad or evil. That is what she made the sexual and physical abuse into.

[No obserations on this journal entry as it has triggered me...sigh!]

Past journal entry

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

Gary,

Today was really tough.  Last night, I slept, but had nightmares and today kept having flashback of what I talked about last night.  I just really feel out of it today...like I kept going away or just didn't feel good...not sure what that means...felt overwhelmed and panicked ant the thoughts of injuring myself were really loud and I kept thinking about stabbing my leg.

Today, at work was really frustrating...one it was too warm and the fire alarm kept going off due to the construction in our building.  And, I had a couple of frustrating situations.  I am also really uncomfortable as I haven't had a bowel movement (three days) since I returned to work [I don't do well with loud, sudden noises.  I can't work when it is too warm.  My bowel movements have always been a problem.  At this point, it is suspected that it has to do with my needing to control it when I was being abused.]

Don't understand why I remembered going up north during the summer for prayer for my eyes...really remember being scared, of what I don't know.  Feeling really bad and there being too many people and fragrances including incense.  When I think about it, I just want to go away...seem to automatically do that to some degree.  It was so confusing and scary and I always felt really bad. [I have always been highly sensitive/allergic to all fragrances and strong odors]. 

The Church on the Hill...just really felt more scared, confused and bad.  The incense was so stron and it seemed so loud and chaotic...And I really din't want them to pray for me...[While writing this part, my anxiety level has sharply increase and I can feel my self going away.]  ...scared me and I didn't want so many people touching me.  Felt really bad, I was bad.

I think how I felt today is part of my raction to talking about this yesterday and having flashbacks...not really sure how they I felt today...I know, at time, I was really tearful...Feel A little like that now. I'm feeling confused...like I can't identify how I feel or what is going on..it feels frustrating because I can't find the words. [In this instance, whatever I am going through internally...is preverbal...or few words.]

I do know that in the memories the primary feelings are fear and confusion and feeling really bad. [I am bad].  Also, feeling overwhemled by the odors, noise, being touched and having too many people around...there also really weren't any other chilren in either setting.  I actually don't remember there being any others.  Also not wanting to go to either place.  Feels like I need to go away now...from what I don't know, but feeling panicked..not feeling safe...feel completely withdrawing..don't understand what is going on...I just don't feel good.

Just feels like I keep repeating myself, but I want to make sense of what is going on or at least identify what I am feeling because I feel a little disconned from me...I just don't feel right...whatever that means.  Tearing up a bit...maybe I need to cry.  Feeling confused...makes my head hurt.  I want to curl up and die...don't know why. [Obviously talking about the Church on the Hill and the place up North has made me anxious and I don't yet have access to these memories any further. I eventually do, so I'll try to look up where in my journal that I write the details, so we don't get too lost.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ 1/2/06 ~ Monday 10pm

Gary,

I'm really wanting to cut and bruise...even thought of buring with the cigarette lighter [I purchased it with the alcohol]. Just really wanting to injure myself, but really wanting to stop.  But, also wanting to stay calm and disconnected.  Also, not wanting to continue to feel numb. [A person with Borderline Personality Disorder is filled with ambivalence.  In reading this part, I am reminded about object constancy and how that is such a difficult concept for a person with BPD to grasp internally.  The object (my therapist) goes away and I think that it is because I am bad and that he won't be coming back.

I was hapy and relieved that I was able to stay present with you tonight and tell you what I did.  I was really anxious about telling you because of some of your reactions in the past.  Felt good just to be able to talk about it.  Kind of like when I used to injure myself, but did't say anything.  Today, it felt good afterward to be able to share and not have you react. [A learning experience for both of us to get to this point.]

I slept when I came home as I was exhausted and couldn't work.  Feeling bad [not a feeling, but a self judgement stemming from self-hatred] and anxious, but , I guess,what I get done will have to be enough.  Seemed like I needed a lot os sleep while I was off...I guess that was more important.  Still really concerned and plan to work tomorrow.  I really don't want to go back to work...feels overwhelming.

[During this point in time, I am working full time as a social worker for those with developmentally disabled persons with behavioral, mental illness, medical fragile, and those living independently.  I am also falling behind at work which has never been the case before to this degree, but therapy is intense].

I am really relieved that you're back.  I wish it wasn't so difficult for me.  Feels like before you left I was feeling really chaotic inside which just mad you leaving worse...the flashbacks and nightmares didn't stop.  Still feel like crying, creameing and hitt, but really wanting to take it out on myself. [I am angry at myself for him "leaving" and because I had a difficult time.  Additionally, I go through the same cycle everytimes he takes time off...I go through some "crisis" right before he goes in an unconscious effort to make him stay.]

Remember, so many times jeus feeling bad and so confused...wanting to just cry, scream and hit.  Last night, we watched FAME which triggered feelings and flasbacks as one of the character's five year old sister was raped...she had lots of support and told right away.  It was hard to she how young she was and ralizing that that was happening to me repeatedly (tearing up).

Feels like I want to talk...feels good to talk about things that I do that I am ashamed about.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part VI

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part VI

For those who are new or don't remember, part of my blog consisted of past journal entries with my comments. I am returning to adding some of that in. Please do not be alarmed at what is written as these are three to four years old. My hope for me is that I can see how far I've come. My hope for you is that it gives you hope that it really does get better and helps you to articulate what you might be feeling. My current comments are in purple. (To see other past journal entries click here).

Programming already in progress (click here to see the beginning in this December/January series):

...Gary (therapist),

...Some of the dreams have had to do with work...Kathy (manager) getting angry and backing me into a corner about being behind, therapy sessions and decision I've made...just felt like she was questioning or being critical about everything, I was doing before I left for vacation. (Projection of what it was like growing up and my being critical with myself)

Dreams have also had to do with my father leaving, my mother getting angry and feeling trapped by Gene (step-father).  I'm feeling really bad and angry and scared.  I can't seem to attach it to a specific thing...it seems very genral, but very intense.  And, I feel really disconnected from everyone including myself.  Sometimes, it is really difficult to identity what I am feeling...sometimes, I wants to cry, scream or hit. (I am disconnect from myself...dangerous place to be...unaware of what my feeling and thoughts are in the here and now.)

I do know that I am extremely anxious about tomorrow and I don't want to tell you what I did, but that is worse than just not keeping the promises.  Felt like I could only fight for so long until I began to disconnect from you. Afraid of your reaction. Everything was going to bad before you left, now even more so...I just want to disappear. and die.

Feels like I couldn't handle being angry at you and Adrian for so long with you being gone.  Started to feel really overwhelmed, disorganized and disconnected.  I really made you not exist and that I didn't matter.  The promises just didn't matter nothing mattered.  Just felt really bad and angry at the world.  Felt like just screaming and hitting.  (In my head, no one can exist...borderline delimma of not existing if there is no mirroring back.)

Sad for what I did and realizing how self-destruction, I can be and have been. I'm really anxious about talking with you...almost cancelled, but wanted to try to keep my promises.  I really wish that I didn't break, so many...I'm disappointed in myself.

But, it really felt like I needed to do it.  And, I really feeling remorseful. And the thought are louder.  I'm also angry with myself and really want to keep my promises.  When I made them, I really meant that I intended to keep them.  Reall scared of you...somewhere along the way, I kept thinking you were angry, now it is just worse.

Past Journal Entry 12/30/05 to 1/2/06

To Be Continued...Tomorrow

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part V (final)

...Some of the dreams have had to do with work...Kathy (supervisor) getting angry with me and backing me into a corner regarding my being behind, therapy sessions and decisions I've made...just felt like Kathy was questioning or being critical about everything I was doing before I left for vacation. (self-hatred having cut and drinking the alcohol. anxiety about telling Gary what I have done.)

Dreams also have to do with my gather leaving, my mother getting angry and feeling trapped by Gene (former step-father). I'm just feeling "bad and angry and scared. I can't seem to attach it to a specific thing...it seems very general, but very intense and I feel really disconnected from everyone including myself. Sometimes, it is really difficult to identify what I am feeling. Sometime, I want to cry, scream or hit.

I do know that I am extremely anxious about tomorrow and I don't want to tell you what I did, but that is worse than just not keeping the promised. Felt like I could only fight for so long until I began to feel disorganized and began to disconnected from you. Afraid of your reaction. Everything was going to "bad" before you left, now even more so...I just want to disappear and die. (These are all my usual reactions to him going away and after the holidays. But, not this year!!!)

Feels like I couldn't handle being angry at you and Adrian for so long with you being gone. Started to feel really overwhelmed, disorganized and disconnected. I really made you not exist and that I didn't matter. The promises just didn't matter, nothing mattered. Just felt really "bad" and angry at the world felt like just screaming and hitting. (Being mad at the world sound like I was an infant being angry that my mother wouldn't come for me...Infants are all feeling. This is what I am feeling about Gary...that he won't come and comfort me in my time of need.)

Now, I feel bad, want to cry, feeling a little sad for what I did and realizing how self-destructive I can be and have been I'm really anxious about talking with you...almost cancelled, but wanted to try to keep my promises. I really wish I didn't break so many. I'm disappointed in myself. But, it really felt like I needed to do it. And, I'm feeling really remorseful. And the thoughts are louder. I'm also angry with myself and really want to keep my promises. When I mad them, I intended to keep them. Really scared of you...somewhere along the way I kept thinking that you were angry, now it is just worse.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part IV

Forth in a series while my therapist was away during the holidays of 2006.

...Gary,

Today (Sunday), I woke up feeling badly about the alcohol, so I threw it away. Last night, I didn't sleep very well...different noises kept waking me up and I kept having flashback type nightmares. (Anxiety and still having flashback of my abuse) Was feeling bad (not a feeling, but a thought that was judgemental...borderline dilemma), angry and agitated and cut again.

It really helped make me feel calmer and numbed out which has helped me not to snap at Adrian and to focus on work, but not as much as I wanted. I immediately felt calmer and more grounded and less disorganized when I cut. I am a little remorseful, but I feel so much better it is comforting to me (need to find a different was to self-comfort). I also feel bad that I didn't keep my promises but also trying to figure out when I can cut again or bruise which I haven't done. The goal is to feel better...actually better put is "not to feel"

I was able to utilize the tape, writings and cards. (All of there were from my therapist which included his writings and voice). This was helpful until Friday. Then it really felt like I had to cut...like it was something that I needed to do. I kept thinking of when I can cut again or bruise (addiction!).

With the alcohol, I really regret that. But, I didn't drink enough to do any harm, at least physically. In someways, it reminds me of the overdose of Tylenol...just feeling so angry, bad and wanting to die...but not enough to really kill myself, but really toying with the idea.

I feel really out of control and I want to cancel tomorrow. (Trying to push everyone away because "I am bad.") Maybe, that is one promise that I can keep. In someways, I feel really confused and like things stared to spin downward and the more that happened the more disconnected I felt (always get into trouble when I get disconnected). The more disconnected I felt...the more nothing mattered to me...the more you didn't exist (the more I didn't exist the more was disconnected to myself).

The thoughts of suicide and wanting to harm myself became louder. Now, I feel kind of stuck in looking for the next fix where I can hurt myself. There is a part of me that doesn't want to stop and another part that is scared to stop...it just feels so good...to be numb and calm.

Obviously, I was having a really difficult time and out of control. Up until this year, I had struggled with all of this; however, my therapist being away really made it worse. I can see how much growth there is. I wouldn't carry out such things as I did then. The self-injury is so much an addiction.

To Be Continued...

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part III

For those who are new or don't remember, part of my blog consisted of past journal entries with my comments. I am returning to adding some of that in. Please do not be alarmed at what is written as these are three to four years old. My hope for me is that I can see how far I've come. My hope for you is that it gives you hope that it really does get better and helps you to articulate what you might be feeling. My current comments are in purple. (To see other past journal entries click here).

Programming already in progress (click here to see the beginning in this December/January series):

This is the third in series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. At the time, my therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much...well, as I read it...maybe, it was still a major issue.

Gary (therapist),

Sometimes, the thought, "I hate you for leaving" runs through my head. Makes me feel worse. I really wish I didn't forget the mug (whenever, he went away, I would have his coffee mug with his name engraved until he came back). Reading the cards just seems to make me more angry because I don't have a current one, but the Christmas gift helps especially what it is...feels so confusing...and I want to cry because you are gone and I want to scream, one because I'm angry. Feel bad about both...want to make you not exist. (if he doesn't exist, then there is no connection, so I'm not angry or hurt...it doesn't "matter")

...Today (Saturday), I woke up wanting to cut, bruise and drink the alcohol with my medications. I felt really disconnected, nothing mattered and I just didn't care. I didn't want to interact with Adrian (husband) and didn't want to leave anymore messages (To my therapist)I was feeling really numb and nothing matterd to me.

I decided to return some items to Norstrom. On the way there, I purchased some razors and some vodka. I didn't feel like working, so played computer games and tried to warm up as I didn't bring a jacket and it was pouring, so I got really cold. I took a shower to warm up and I cut. (Obviously, I was in trouble. What I know now is that I was angry for him leaving; however, I was really angry at myself. Angry that I wanted to be able to talk with him...self-hatred.)

This evening I took my medications with about 1/4 cup of the alcohol. I feel even more numb and much calmer...didn't argue with Adrian today, but I kept my distance. Like I wanted to completely disconneted from everyone. Right now, I'm not sorry that I cut because it really calmed me down and numbed me out more. However, I am sorry I drank the alcohol...I know that I pushed too far...kind of scared myself. The suicidal thought are loud as is really feeling bad. I don't want to tell you...actually earlier I just wanted to cancel...still do. Afraid of your response. Wanting to just curl up and die. (I really pushed the edge...I was afraid that he would hospitalize me.)

Obviously, I'm having difficulty for him just being gone for a week. It always kicks up some sort of crisis, so that he is "abandoning" me in my time of need. I am also still working, but the flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep, inability to focus are getting worse. Looking back, I really should not have been working.

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....

Past Journal Entry: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

This is the second in series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. My therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much...well, as I read it...maybe, it was still a major issue.

Geoffrey,

...Yesterday and today, I woke up too late to work when I planned, so I'm feeling bad that I haven't done anywork and feeling anxious...like if I don't get caught up this weekend that I'm going to lose my job. Also, feeling bad that I accidently put one of my new tops in the dryer when it is supposed to lay flat, so it shrank some.

Also, feeling really angry with you...that I don't matter, you don't care, you're not coming back, I don't want to see you anymore, etc...I don't feel like I can handle this and I am really wanting to cut...making you not exist. I am fragmenting big time where I can't take into account anything except that he is not here for me.

Feeling bad that I've had difficulty scheduling things. Still having flashbacks. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming and just want to die..

Tonight, Friday, I became angry with my husband and am currently locked in the bedroom. We were going to watch "Fame" together, but I couldn't get the remote to work, buut he could. He told me to push the buttons harded and I showed him the light was indicating that I was pressing hard enough. I pushed a pile of magazines on the floor thinking that they might be in the way.

It didn't help, so I tossed the remote in my husband's direction hitting him in the leg or somewhere. He said, "ouch," then mad a motion like he was going to throw it...sort of mimicking me and asked, "why do you throw things?" I got up to leave, but he grabbed me and said he was sorry and didn't mean to make fun of me. He eventually let go and I slammed the beedroom door and locked myself in.

My husband really scared me when he acted like he was going to throw the remote. Then, I became angry that he was mimcking me and that he grabbed me. I really wand to cut and don't care about the promises that I made to you.

I'm feeling really bad...I just want to die. (Feeling bad was the whole goal although I didn't know it at the time. All roads lead to bad. I was angry at my therapist for being on vacation, couldn't express it properly and took it out on my husband, which in turn made be feel "bad." Partialy because it wasn't okay to be angry.)

Sometimes, the thought, "I hate you for leaving" runs through my head. Makes me feel worse. I really wish I didn't forget the mug (whenever, he went away, I would have his coffee mug with his name engraved until he came back). Reading the cards just seems to make me more angry because I don't have a current one, but the Christmas gift helps especially what it is...feels so confusing...and I want to cry because you are gone and I want to scream, one because I'm angry. Feel bad about both...want to make you not exist. (if he doesn't exist, then there is no connection, so I'm not angry or hurt...it doesn't "matter")

Obviously, I'm having difficulty for him just being gone for a week. It always kicks up some sort of crisis, so that he is "abandoning" me in my time of need. I am also still working, but the flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep, inability to focus are getting worse. Looking back, I really should not have been working.

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....