What I Like About Me!!!

I know that it has been kind of gloomy around these parts lately.  I also want to share some happier things.  My therapist and I talk about how it is easier to increase a behavior instead of reducing a behavior.  So, at the end, of a session where we were talking about my feeling empty, which is a classic borderline symptom, he asked what can you do to fill that up.  Well, I came up with a good list of other things, mostly to stop my feelings or distract me.  Then, he asked, "what do you like about yourself."  I came up with some, but it kept in my mind and this is my Wordle as a result:

Click HERE for a larger, readable view

Letter to my mother ~ Part IV ~ Final

Letter to my mother ~ Part IV

I am so enraged at you for consistently ignoring any signs that I was being abused or in danger. However, I am more enraged at you for the abuse that YOU did to me. What the hell did you think when I kept scratching my crotch and rear. You even teased me that I had worms because I was dragging my rear across the carpet like a dog. You would slap my hand away. Didn’t it ever occur to you to ask or take me to the doctor? You were blind to any sense of distress that I may have expressed. You continue to put blinders on when it comes to me. But, it was your responsibility, as a mother, to protect and comfort me. You apparently chose not to do so.

You chose not to handle it when I had my suicide attempt and even more so when after that event you ignored my friends warnings that I was suicidal. You never took me seriously when it was needed. You were too busy with knowing if the school would find out. Were you afraid that they would find out how much abuse was taking place by Gene and YOU!! I was not being dramatic or sensitive. It was that bad!!! You close your eyes whenever I need something. Again, you just fucking ignored me and continue to do so. You are such a selfish bitch!!

Everything always has had to and still does revolve around you. Even, my birthday was always about what you wanted and what you liked. You rarely gave any consideration to what I wanted or liked. It was always about what YOU. And, sometimes you would remember and sometimes you acted like you didn’t. I feel like you don’t want to acknowledge my birth or me. But, like it or not you are my mother and that is your responsibility and not mine!!

I am so enraged at you for making me the butt of your teasing and joking. You were sadistic because you got so much pleasure out of teasing me to the point that it was extremely hurtful and painful. I was like a toy or something to you and Gene to play with. And, I just want to slap you over and over again when you still make jokes about it now. Besides what I’ve already mentioned, you knew that I was scared of snails and frogs, but you would purchase things with them on items for me, teased me, and allowed Gene to terrorize me. Once, it was to the point that I lost my front tooth by biting you trying to get away from him and then you just laughed. You are just a sadistic bitch.

Your sadism went even so far as giving me some wine when I was young to see how I would react. Then, you made fun of me and started to tell what I did to everyone, but would omit the part that YOU gave me the wine. You still mention it today. You really screwed up my life.

I hate you and am so enraged that (those words don’t even come close to how I feel about you) for making my life so unpredictable. Every single day that I lived with you was unpredictable either because of you or Gene. I never knew if it was going to be a safe day or not…if one of you would rage against me or if you were going to hit me. You fucking didn’t pull it together enough not to take it out on me. The worst part is that the rules changed all the time related to how one of you felt. I hate you so much for making my life like that.

I really hate you so much for making housework days hell for me. From the time we lived in the duplex until I moved out, you were always so unpredictable. Much of the time, I would wake up with you yelling at me to come help you. When we lived in the duplex, when I couldn’t figure out the right attachment that you wanted, you used to throw parts of the vacuum cleaner at me. This included hitting and beating me with the electrical cord or the hoses. You made Barbara feel so uncomfortable when she slept over and awoke to one of these mornings that you raged at me, that she left without saying anything. She just walked home with her sleeping bag and belonging. I was so fucking embarrassed that you would do that when I had a friend over. You never apologized because nothing was or is ever your responsibility.

I am so fucking angry with you. When I was still in my crib, to get me to stop crying you would put a pillow over my face or pinch me. Or just walk away!! I eventually learned not to cry even as I got older. All because you abused me. When and before we moved to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s, you used to hit me in the mouth. Then, as I got older you would slap me in the face or slug me in the back and most of the time I never knew the reason why. You were such a sadistic bitch because you would show me the bruise on your hand and make a joke about it. I hate you so much.

When we lived in the duplex, once you came into my room while I was on a chair dusting my bookcase. You came in and slapped me out of the blue causing me to fall off the chair and for it to topple. You didn’t say anything and just left. I didn’t say anything and just continued to dust. I am so enraged because by then, I learned not to cry, to numb the pain out and not to discuss it. You really screwed up my life with your abuse because I learned to do that to protect myself from you. I was always at fault, because you never had the guts enough to take any responsibility instead I now take responsibility for things that have nothing to do with me.

I remember you calling me evil and bad all the time. You reinforced that by the salt and leaving the devil or death tarot card in my room. Yes, I knew it was you. You even told me when “Rosemary’s Baby” was on television that you wish you would have set me on fire in my crib just like she did. You threatened to push me out of the moving car, push or throw me through the window or just leave me somewhere. The worst part is all the things that you said to me in which I have really struggled with my whole life and still do. You really fucked me up!!!

I hate you because you did so much damage to me that I have been in therapy for two decades and have had four psychiatric hospitalizations. It has cost me significantly financially and permanently emotionally. You were never there for me as a mother and I thank God for Arleen, Michael, Grandpa and Grandma for they allowed me to be a child and expressed love, compassion and caring toward me. I don’t even think that you are capable of doing that. You are so egocentric. When or if you did showed any affection, it always feels fake like it is something you “should” do or that you want something from me. There is so much more, but I cannot go any further. It would really take a whole book. But, you really fucked up my life and I have spent too much time trying to repair some of the damage that you have cost me. I don’t care if you take responsibility for your abuse or not because I know the truth. I would love to find a way for to you to pay for the bills because I have them because you fucked up my life.

I am still so enraged about the lies that you kept telling Arleen and Judy!! I wonder how many lies you told me and others.I do know now that you told me many, many, many lies about myself before and after I was 10 years old.


Just in case you forgot the things that YOU said to me…

I do not want any contact with you. I don’t know what this means in terms of family gatherings. I do not want you to touch me at all. I wrote this letter to you because I need to tell youhow much rage I have toward you, how much hatred, and the truth that you have never wanted to accept. I don’t care it you like it or not. This letter is the truth and reality of life in our family; whether you accept it or not. You will not take away anymore of my life…I am through with the world revoling around you. I am taking my life back and you will not win again. You already fucked up my life enough…got it bitch!!

(if you want to see a larger and more readable picture of the words above please go to the left side bar toward the end entitled, "Mommy Says.") I have also made some minor changes in the previous section, none of which are note worthy except for one at the beginning. The follow is what this letter will look like at the very beginning:

"A copy of this letter has been sent to everyone in the family because I want the family to know the truth. Like it or not this is the truth and others will finally know my pain and rage.

Susan,"

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

What is this unfamiliar feeling? Hatred!!!

I thought that I was going to be able to do a journal entry on today's session, but it was too much. I did a Wordle instead. Today, as I was talking about "the garage," I felt something that seemed familiar when it was homicidal rage. But, then it became something unfamiliar, hatred. I am trying to figure out what it is, so that is part of the Wordle. Careful it maybe triggering!! And, click on the picture to see a large image. I feel very strange, but I know that it is intense hatred toward my step-father and his father.

I Forgot To Write a Post & Slept Like a "Normal" Person

Good Morning (at least for me)!!!! I like to post on a daily basis and usually write them in advance, so it posts at 12:01 am. However, I forgot last night and went to bed figuring I usually wake up early, so I'll write it then. Well, I slept like a "normal" person. I went to sleep about 10:30 pm and woke up at 5:45 am while my husband was getting ready for work.

I thought, I was awake and turned on the computer and began to do stuff. However, when my husband came to give me coffee. I was sleeping with in front of the computer, so I went back to bed and got up around 7:30 am. So, change of plans. I'm writing a different post than expected.

The slideshow really took a lot out of me emotionally and somewhere along the way I disconnected my feelings from the content, so I was really numb yesterday when I went to therapy. However, my "wonderful" therapist "helped" me to reconnect to myself those feelings about what happened. I know it is helpful and what I'm supposed to do, but I feel like an angry little kid going, "It isn't fair. I don't want to do this." It does feel good to be present to myself, but it also is quite painful which is just sucky!!

The slideshows and Wordles are quite therapeutic. I was telling my therapist that I wish the current one could have been longer, but I'm limited to 100 pictures. I had over 200 to sort through and omit to 100. (I just realized that I could do it in Picasa.) Yesterday, I decided to start another blog that is sort of another page to this one. It will only have fingerpainting, slideshows, poetry, Wordles and whatever else seems to fit. I'm still just figuring out how I want the page formatted, then I will start adding things including fingerpainting that I've omitted from this site. When it is ready for viewing, I'll put a link on this blog. Oh, the name is COURAGEOUS EXTRAS. Thanks to an anonymous reader who has renamed me.

I Feel Special!!!

Today, this Wordle was made for me by human carvery aka mini uk. Click on photo for a better view. This really made my day especially since I was having a really rough time with flashbacks. It was quite a wonderful surprise and made me feel special. I have it above my Wordles on my side bar as well. It really touched me and made me tearful. Thank you so much mini uk.

Past Journal Entry: July 14, 2005

Geoffrey,

When I came home today, I really wanted to bruise myself, so I decided to fingerpaint. After the fourth one, when I looked at it my stomach dropped and it scared me. Made me feel my hopeless and I just wanted to cry, so I stopped painting.

Remembered how hopeless I felt that it would get better, anyone would ever listen, anyone would ever understand, that I would ever feel better, that the suicidal thoughts would stop or I would stop wanting to hurt myself. Right now, my stomach and chest hurt and I want to cry. Remember being hopeless that my mother would ever listen to me, understand me, take care of me or protect me.

I really don't feel good right now...really wanting to hurt myself. Really want to bruise. Self-injury seems like it was my way of numbing out, punishing myself and expressing rage toward myself, my step-father and my mother.

Keep having flashbacks. Mostly, just waves of feelings and just wanting to cry. So, overwhelmed, panicked, sad, scared, angry, confused, trapped, helpless and hopeless. Feeling like I was bad all the time and deserved to die. Either feels like I'm in the apartment or in our house. Felt so alone and like no one would ever listen or understand.

Sometimes the flashbacks are an actual event. Remembering some of the arguments, getting hit, screamed at, my step-father forcing me to eat the tofu or just the anger in his face like he had with the Barbie stuff. [I'll explain this in the observation section.]

Sometimes, remember numbing out, going away, trying to disappear, etc... Happened frequently even at school, in the car, listening to music, reading, watching television, etc... Remember not knowing what was being said or losing track of my teachers or the television show...basically, like losing time. Sometimes, the suicidal thoughts would take me away. Other times, there would be nothing. Just buzzy and numb. My stomach and chest hurt. Can feel myself tearing up.

Observations: Today as I write this I find it interesting that I used the words, "I don't feel good right now," because that is what I have been saying and have not been able to be very specific. I did have a "homework" assignment with doing another Wordle about "I don't feel good." I posted as the last image on the side bar, if you want to see.

Well, up above, I said I would write about the "Barbie" stuff. I'm really not wanting to do it. Feeling a little ashamed and I know it will make it more real than I want to do right now...or maybe I want it to be more real. This memory isn't one that I repressed until this go-around in therapy. I spoke about it when I first was in therapy with Geoffrey, but that is as far as it went and there was not much else.

Okay, here goes...During the time my-stepfather and I were alone in the apartment, he only grew more violent and sadistic, at times, almost verges on torture. There was an incident when he wanted to play Monopoly, but I didn’t. I wanted to play with my Barbie’s. He began to scream at me and called me spoiled and that I need to do what he tells me to do. He pushed me to the ground and pulled my pants and underwear off and shoved one of my Barbie’s feet first into my vagina and then removed it and shoved the second one in…it felt like he was intentionally trying to hurt me and like he shoved it in as far as he could while turning it. I felt like I was going to pass out it hurt so much. I also remember the green carpet and my trying to dig my nails into it because it hurt so much. I remember the feel of the shallow pattern on my hand. Then, later on my face, I could feel the carpet.

Then, he had forced me on my stomach and began beating me with his belt. I wanted to die…felt like he was going to kill me. When my mother came home, she immediately began yelling and hitting and slapping me because my step-father had told her that I "misbehaved" that day. I was assaulted and raped by my step-father with my Barbies and then assaulted by my mother. (Okay now, I want to go away and take it all back, no one is going to believe me, shouldn't have written it, it wasn't that bad, I'm lying, etc...all going through my head.)

When I did the fingerpaintings below, my last one scared me because I felt the hopelessness which is, I think, represented by the black. Right now, I'm thinking about feeling that black hole in my chest, the one that all I can say now is, "I don't feel good."

Flashbacks & Homicidal Rage!!

This is a tough weekend with flashbacks and nightmares. Besides some of the experiences with the cult, I am also remembering intense emotional feelings and physical sensations of some of the things that my step-father did along with homicidal rage.
TRIGGERING AND VERY GRAPHIC...DO NOT LOOK AT IF NOT SAFE!!!!

To see full size image or to make a Wordle of your own click the picture.

Today's Session ~ Rage, My Therapist is Crazy!

I just returned from my session and my therapist is crazy. Ever since I introduced him to Wordle, he has been assigning me homework or at least suggesting to Wordle. He is trying to keep me focused on my rage toward my step father's mother and my mother which is where I am at emotionally. My suicidal thoughts, wanting to die and urge to self-injure are defenses against feeling the rage and sadness. Yesterdays, assignment was to focus on my feelings about my step-father's mother. Today, is to focus on my homicidal rage and thoughts of revenge and retaliation. My therapist is crazy...actually, he is trying to keep me from feeling crazy. But, this is excrutiating work. Just thought I would up date you on what is currently going on. He also knows what is being posted on my blog. I am not going to share the majority of the Wordle's as they are too personal and would possibly reveal who I am. Please do not try this on your own without speaking to your own therapist or doctor as it is very powerful and can bring up stuff that you will NEED to process in order to stay safe.

Current Update ~ My Truth ~ My Childhood in a Cult~Part I

I don't even know how to begin explaining the whole thing, but my step-father's family was part of a cult which is how I think my mother and him met through his mother who was a type of leader. Well, I've been talking about it in therapy for the first time and this is what is also increasing the suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges along with touching upon my anger with my mother. These two are related. I just wanted to put things a little bit into more context. I can't tell you directly, but I can post a Wordle. Please respond because if you don't I think that it was too much and that I need to die because I've been a burden. I know that I'm fragmenting, but my mind is all over the place between what I've revealed on the blog and mostly what is going on in therapy. I'm really sensitive right now...and angry and sad. Sometimes, my life does not sound believable.

Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.

My Truth ~ My Childhood Words Part II

I decided to do another Wordle as the first one was so powerful and cathartic for me. However, this time I put the tougher words that I don't even want to say and focused only on my childhood and not the present.

To create your own or to see full size click on the picture.

My Truth ~ My Childhood

Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.