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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 27, 2005 ~ Borderline abandonment fears!!


Geoffrey ~

Okay, I'm still writing about attachment, but I don't like it!! I can feel myself trying to disconnect by not calling when I needed to both today and over the weekend. In my head, I tell myself it isn't a big deal, not life or death, but it does make everything much more difficult. I guess too it is a little bit out of anger. Trying to go away without since while your gone I'm going to need to anyway. [This is a preemptive maneuver on my part basically saying I don't need you. I'm angry...borderline abandonment anger and fragmenting. I wasn't doing very well]

Whenever you go away or sometimes on the weekends or between sessions when it is rough for me, I feel really panicky that you are not there for me. Sometimes, it feels kind of crazy, disorganized, overwhelming and like I can't ground myself. I'm not really sure what that means. I feel a little lost and terrified. Sometimes, I have more panic attacks. I can feel the panic now. [People with borderline personality have very little sense of self and use the outside world to contain them, so my feelings are a reaction to this particular state.]

At work, the training today, was on panic disorders which I really didn't learn anything, but I could identify with a lot of it. Thought about waking up last night in a panic...feeling terrified. I woke up with my mouth open trying to scream, but couldn't make any sound. Night terrors. [Yes, he also agreed that his timing was not very good.]

Observations: Borderline personality disorder abandonment panic!!!! And, "why don't I fall apart before you leave me, to prove that you are abandoning me in my time of need and don't care about me." Yes, having borderline personality can be so fun...not.

On ironic and good thing that came out of writing this past entry is that Geoffrey is going out of town in a couple of weeks. Although I am having difficulty and the same issues, I realized that my feelings are not as intense and I am handling it a lot better and don't feel as ungrounded. Hooray, I have more of ME!!!


Polar Bear said...

I think it's great that your feelings are not as intense now in anticipation of Geoffrey going away in a few weeks.

I'd just like to share that I am making some progress as well with my attachment issues. I think this is the first time that I've been able to be really open and acknowledge as well as talk to my therapist about my attachment.

I've always felt so ashamed about my neediness and clinginess which is my attachment issue, so I always acted like, yeah whatever, I dont care if you're going away, I'll be fine, etc, etc. But last week, when we were discussing my T's 7 week holiday, we actually had a conversation about how it was going to impact me.

It still feels like those 7 weeks will be painful,... but being able to admit that perhaps is a step in the right direction :)

Take care.
Polar B.

Clueless said...

Polar B. ~ I emailed you a reply.

Anonymous said...

People with BPD have a hard time accepting and understanding that someone cares about them if they're not in their presence. It's really hard. I am sorry you're going through so much.

Clueless said...

Thank you!

Immi said...

CC, it's super your not dreading Geoffrey going away as much. More you is good :)

Clueless said...

Immi, no dread, but I don't like it. And more of me is very good. I hope you are doing better.

susan said...


i so related to this piece. I have issues with abandonment too.

I've been remiss in blog reading, too. I just spent a good half hour reading the entries I missed last week.

Take care, keep on blogging. I will keep on reading.



Clueless said...


Thank you. The abandonment issue is core to everything, so it is so difficult to deal with and excruciating.

take care,

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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