Why Cry?

Why did I post yesterday's depiction of "sadness"?  In therapy, for several weeks I have been dealing with sadness and abandonment issues.  The feelings are there and have been intrusive and I find myself tearing up frequently.  In therapy, I have difficulty crying even after nineteen years of therapy with the same therapist.  Truth is that I don't want to tell myself how I really feel by crying.

I know that I'm ready; otherwise, I would not have brought it up.  We also have been talking about my "silent" crying which really isn't crying at all.  My therapist says that crying is meant to signal distress and needs to be heard...he is there to hear me.  Even though I know that he is right, I still tell him that crying alone or "silently" is enough. Well, he tells me differently...of course, it is his job. Tears just get caught in my chest or throat. 

When I cry, it makes reality more real to me instead of my fantasies that "it wasn't that bad," "I'm just being "too sensitive" and "I've already talked about it, so I don't need to anymore... and the thoughts/defenses go on.

I will get there.  I know I can!!

Don't Cry Out Loud sung by Melissa Manchester

Baby cried the day the circus came to town

'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown

While she danced without a net upon the wire

I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see

Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down

They left behind her dreams among the litter

The different kind of love she thought she'd found

There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter

But baby can't be broken 'cause you see

She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part II of IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued.... (current commentary in purple)

I think, since crying, I've really felt embarrassed, like I did something really wrong, that something bad is going to happen and that I am going to die. Also, felt like I needed to do that for a long time [cry]. It did feel good to be heard by you. [I am trusting him on a whole new level by crying, hitting and screaming with him without knowing why. I still have difficulty with this.]

I'm also feeling like I need to die and that I really need to hurt myself. One because I feel bad and the other is to calm my anxiety. Sometimes, I get so tired and discouraged that I keep going here. Other times, the thoughts make complete sense to act upon. [Again, I express myself truthfully and there is a price I make myself pay...I continue to have difficulty just letting myself be.]

When I was crying and intrusively so since, it feels like everything hurts. Also, felt angry and hitting the pillow felt good except that I bruised my hand. During when I would let myself go some, there were thoughts of hitting myself and also wanting to hit someone else. [I was just starting to feel my anger and it wasn't very focused except for at myself, most of the time.]

The screaming felt like I released some of/and felt more intensely the amount of anger, fear and pain that I had/have. Feels like there is more. I'm tearing up now.

During, I also had some thoughts of wanting to die because I just hurt so much or was absolutely terrified. Terrified of being slapped, hit, dying, being screamed or yelled at, being grabbed, being forced upon and just beginning to feel the searing pain of the spankings. I think, that is what the crying, screaming and hitting were about, but not all some of it was just feeling so alone, misunderstood, unheard, like I didn't exist and feeling so utterly bad and wanting to die. [These sensations and realizations were new to me at the time, at this level, so it was quite distressing to me.]

Sometime, I just feel like crying with no identifiable reason. Sometimes that's what it felt like for me at all ages and just got worse as I got older. [I need to know what I am going to cry about; otherwise, I have difficulty...again I just can't let me be where I am.]

To be continued....

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part I ~ Depression

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

For the most of the day, I've been feeling really depressed and the suicidal thought/plans have been really, really loud as has been wanting to really hurt myself or cut and bruise. I had difficulty getting out of bed and got up and laid on the couch until my husband went to work. Then, I went back to bed and slept on and off until about 1:30 pm. Didn't feel like showering or brushing my teeth.

Tried to catch up on work, but couldn't focus. Tried to play computer games, listen to the tapes from church, and do some laundry. Did the laundry, but curled up in bed. Finally, took a shower around 2:30 pm and still couldn't focus enough to do anything especially work.

It has been really loud in my head and I've been wanting just to curl up and die. Having flashbacks of being at my step-father's parents. I left you some messages and fingerpainted [which is posted on my Courageous Steps blog for today]. After I painted, I left a message. At the end began to cry and started sobbing into the office pillow you gave me. Cried for almost an hour.

I think, the fingerpainting made me realize that the thoughts had to do with being in pain. When I begin to cry, I had some images of me crying sitting in the dirt after my step-father's father forced himself on me. Also, sitting on the garage floor crying and rocking, which I was doing on the bed after they had forced themselves on me, and after being spanked by my mother and step-father.

Also, had an image of me sitting on my grandparents porch, curled up and crying. So much pain...other feelings in the crying, but don't know what they are. The most prominent is pain. Then, I just wanted to really hurt myself, cut, bruise, take the pills...anything to stop from hurting. I'm tearing up now.

Observations: From reading this, it sounds like I am getting more depressed, dissociating/fragmenting more frequently which is effecting my concentration. Basically, I am continuing my spiral downward and my work is really beginning to be effected. I noticed that I am also calling Geoffrey more which means I'm becoming for fragmented and needing him to ground me. This is the first part of this entry. Tomorrow, I will finish the entry. Also, don't forget to go to Courageous Steps to check out the corresponding fingerpaintings that go with this date.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 6/7, 2005 ~ Flashbacks and screaming and crying!! (Part II)

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Remember, how much I wanted to scream and cry when my step-father locked me in the garage. And, how painful it was when he kept inserting the hammer...Felt like I was going to die. Also, felt like I was going to die when he forced himself on me. Either die from the pain or afraid that he would kill me. Sometimes, there were no actual memories, at least, specific ones...just feelings. Really feel like crying now.

Today my body aches...like I worked out. I keep going away and feel like something awful is going to happen to me or my husband. This morning, he came back into the house and he "said one last kiss." I started to think, I wasn't going to see him again and began to panic and asked him to call me when he arrived at work or to text message me. He forgot, so I ended up calling him. He was quite apologetic.

Today, I was really sensitive to what people were saying or how they were responding to me. Everything was bad. I got overwhelmed at the talent show...loud and crowded. [Okay, borderline personality reaction...fear of abandonment and I'm all bad (splitting)]

Feeling panicky and overwhelmed and a sense of dread. The suicidal thoughts and wanting to bruise and cut are really loud. I really, really want to hurt myself. Part of it is that I really need to catch up on my documentation. Also, feelings seem overwhelming as are the flashbacks. I'm tearing up again. Scares me that I felt so safe and comforted by you yesterday. I keep thinking it is a bad thing to want or receive.

I also am feeling a bit panicked, as the holidays approach. Last night my husband told me that he is going to have to work over time and weekends through the end of the year. Also, they are not going to approve any vacations. I had previously suggested that he take some time off before the end of summer as this happens almost every year and then, he gets sick. I keep thinking that means this year, I have to take care of the Christmas shopping. Also, panicking a little as your schedule will also change. [more BPD reacting/thinking]

Yesterday, I was surprised at how scared I was in the flashbacks and how much I really wanted to scream and cry and how afraid I was to do so...felt so unsafe. It seems like that is how I felt all the time. Sometimes, it felt like I needed to die or disappear or just hide in a corner. Also, hurt so much emotionally and just remembering some of the physical pain was difficult.

Remember how much it hurt when she slapped me and how I immediately stopped from crying.

Feel a bit embarrassed of screaming and crying. Shared a part of me that I've tried to keep hidden even from myself. I really feel like crying which maybe why it is so loud in my head.

Observations: There is a huge difference between how I reacted to this crying session compared to last week's. I can see the progress. I did react some, but it was really managable with PRNs, I felt safer with my therapist, felt proud of myself and was able to feel good about me and my therapist. And, I am not embarrassed for crying. It is good for me to see the progress.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 6/7, 2005 ~ Flashbacks, screaming and crying!! (Part I)

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey,

I've been kind of numb tonight. I feel really drained by today's session and somewhat relieved. Like, I got some of the screams and tears out. Still feels like more might be helpful. Maybe, later on, as I don't feel finished. The screaming and crying seems to help convey what I can't put into words or that there are no words for. Really scared me though...hearing your voice and just knowing you were there felt comforting and safe.

[We had set aside some extra long sessions as my crying seemed to begin as the sessions were supposed to be winding down leaving me without being able to cry in session and feeling frustrated. The really interesting thing is that last week, we set aside two extra long session to do just the same thing. I felt better afterwards and not so alone. Today, my therapist told me that if I cried at the beginning of every session he would think that is great as I have enough to cry about and that it would be helpful as he hears more about what is going on with me than with my words.]

Sometimes, I had no idea what I was screaming or crying about. Lots of flashbacks during it. Lots of different feelings...pain, sadness, abandonment, feeling alone, rage, anger, terror, hopelessness, physical pain, confusion and other that I can't identify...sometimes, just no words. Felt very, very young. Remembered scratching or digging my fingers into the carpet and dirt...and in bed. Feel like crying now.

Feeling bad...too dramatic...too sensitive...over-reacting...making it up. Also, aware that we went over the time. Feels like I revealed a part of myself that was supposed to stay quiet and hidden. Now, I'm wanting to die. Really wanting to injure myself. Feeling really bad and in pain. [My reaction whenever I tell the truth, same as last week although not as bad.]

Also, feels good to have shared with you and to have you listen. I felt so young, trapped, terrified and sometimes hadn't a clue of what I was feeling. Feels like I still need to scream and cry some. Seemed to make the memories more real. Felt good to just have you there talking to me..the most prominent feeling was of terror.

Remembered being in my crib feeling overwhelmed and scared of all the noise of everyone arguing with the television on. Feeling terrified when I couldn't breathe. Also, seeing my father's hand come down hard on my face...really scared me and hurt. Wanting to push my mother's hand off my face, but being unable to do so. Confused...too much noise. Learned not to cry out loud or scream, but really wanting to do so. Wanting to disappear.

Remember standing on the porch when I was about two after my mother took us to my grandparents in the middle of the night and my mother crying and being loud...didn't understand the words. Then, my father came...they argued and I stood on the porch watching him screech out of the driveway. Listening to my mother cry and yell with my grandparents. Felt terrified, confused, abandoned and so alone. Felt like I didn't matter and that no one would even notice if I were gone. Tearing up again and wanting to die.

Observations: I remember this session and it was gut wrenching. After this week, the thing is that I know I have more crying. I told my therapist Monday that almost everyday I walk into his office and feel myself begin to tear up. Crying is such a difficult thing for me and frustrating because even when I want to I can't...partly because I don't want to feel.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ September 30, 2005 ~ 6 PM ~ Mother flashbacks

Geoffrey,

[I wrote about how difficult my work day had been and had several triggers.] ...All day, I wanted to cut and bruise and to really hurt myself. Thought about making purchases. And, kept going away. I went through a red light and stopped at a green [dissociating while driving]. Scared me. I really just felt bad all day and teared up, at times. After my meetings, I had no focus, so I finger painted [which is posted on Courageous Steps].

I thought some about what you said about my not saying anything or running away as a way to protect my mother. Feels bad because I interpreted as I should have done or said something. But, I also get the part about protecting her. I think there is some truth in it. But, still feels like I was bad for not saying or doing anything to make it stop. [Normal guilt from someone who was abused. It is part of the process.]

This morning one of the things that I remembered was my mother yelling at me when we went skiing and a snowstorm started. I remember, I was really scared to move as I couldn't see in front of me and the cliff was on my left side, but I couldn't see it.

My mother kept screaming at me to ski down the mountain and she just kept getting more and more angry. I wanted to cry because I was so scared because I couldn't see where I was going and she kept screaming at me. I know though, she was screaming because she was scared and the storm was getting much worse. I remember starting to cry a bit once. I finally got down and into the car. But she continued to yell at me for not obeying her. I stopped tearing up and just went away. I knew she kept yelling and eventually stopped. Don't know why this came to mind this morning. [Thinking about it now, it seems like I was trying to tell myself what my mother was responsible for and I wasn't. And, just in general continuing to have flashbacks.]

Feels like a part of me is just really sad and need to cry. I think, it would have been more helpful if she would have acknowledged I was scared and gently talked me down the mountain. Instead, I got down because she scared me. Not that the snowstorm wasn't scary enough. She has often talked about it since and referred to me as being stubborn, I don't think that she got that I was scared, but maybe she did. I understand that she was yelling because she was scared. [Again, her borderline thinking and needing me to be bad because she can't see or accept her part in it.]

I was scared most of the time growing up...scared of my mother, my father, my step-father, and his father. And, I felt bad all the time, wanted to die, was afraid of being killed, felt overwhelmed, panicked and so alone and misunderstood. Felt like I didn't matter, wasn't important and that it wasn't okay to cry, be sad, be angry, be scared or even be excited and happy. I was bad for wanting comfort, someone to listen to me, for existing, not wanting to go to my step-father's parents and wanting to stay at my Grandparents home. It wasn't even okay to talk about my feelings...and they felt so jumbled. [I remember being really confused and feeling alone with my thoughts and feelings.]

I wonder if part of my not killing myself was also a way of protecting my mother. But, sometimes I hated her because when the bottom line came she always chose my step-father over me even if previously she told me differently. Action wise, she always chose him. Felt like I didn't exist sometimes, I wasn't important.

I didn't matter except for when she needed my comfort or for me just to listen to her complain about him and how she wanted to leave him and was going to...but the next moment, she would be all affectionate with him and angry with me...all very confusing. Felt like I had to listen to her complain and had to listen to her complain and degrade my father. [Borderline symptoms again with my being either all good or all bad and she need my step-father to be all good because of her fears of abandonment.]

I can't remember not being her source of comfort and someone to listen to her. But, it was never okay for me to talk about my feelings...either they were invalidated, minimized, teased or she would become angry. I feel like screaming and crying. Sometimes, when I feel like screaming...it seems like it comes from a preverbal time. Maybe, even as an infant, I just wanted to curl up and disappear.

The flashbacks make me feel like I'm going crazy...can't get the sounds, sensations, feelings or the images out of my head. Makes me want to injure myself or die.

Observations: Again, I find it amazing how I am having the same issues now and struggling with crying and accepting my mother the way she really is/was. This process is long and painful.

Yesterday's Session ~ Crying

I just wanted to update you regarding my feeling my emotions and crying. Yesterday, I had a 1 1/2 hour session, which is the same for today, and I sobbed and screamed. I was exhausted afterward, but it really felt good to be able to do that and to have someone listen and be there with me. The unfortunate part is that I am defensively feeling a bit more depressed, and the suicidal thoughts and urges to cut are increased slightly. Overall, I'm doing okay with it. It feels like there is more...what, isn't one time enough? I am proud of myself!!