PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 8, 2005 ~ Holding It Together!

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (current observations in purple)

I haven't been doing very well since last night. Something didn't sit right with me about the session. Today, I'm feeling really panicky, unfocused, overwhelmed and disorganized. [Panicky and overwhelmed and awful are things that I say I've been feeling every morning since this all started. What I know now it that is the way I used to feel all the time, but it was before I had words to describe my feelings; hence, the vague word "awful."]

I think, with the end of the year and with all the work I have to get caught up on, changing our schedule was just one more extra variable. I felt out of control even more. Last night, I felt like crying. A part of me with the schedule is that I'm afraid that it won't work out. And, I disconnected last night. Today, I've had moments when I've felt like I was going to die or wanted to do so. I'm really wanting to cut and bruise. [Anticipatory anxiety always begins at the end of October, like now. My anxiety rises and my defenses engage just in case.]

I think, yesterday, I wasn't ready to deal with scheduling problems. Just felt like crying all day and hadn't slept well. Didn't sleep well last night either. I'm feeling really anxious overwhelmed and stressed with the end of the year. I think, the weekend was really stressful for me and difficult. Feels like I fought really hard to stay connected. Also, felt extremely relieved that I saw you Monday and just wanted to cry. I guess, I felt sort of like I missed out yesterday because I was late.

Today was really a long day and I was constantly busy even so the thoughts were intrusive and I felt panicky, at times, or felt like I could tear up. Not really sure why. Sometimes, just getting through the day seems so difficult and like I'm just trying to hold it together to get through. [Work is becoming increasingly overwhelming and I am becoming almost incapacitated and falling further behind which incapacitates me more. I'm still working full-time and then some.]

My client was re-hospitalized last night. I'm concerned about him and want to go see him, but feel like it would just be pushing it. Sometimes, I wonder when things will be "normal" again.

I really just feel like crying. Felt like crying last week too. Feels like I've been trying really hard to stay in control which probably just adds to my stress. I guess, I feel like something needs to feel more settled which may be why the schedule thing bothered me so much. I just really feel like crying. I was so relieved to see you Monday. I was really afraid you wouldn't come back, but don't think I was able to acknowledge that.

Just feels like the past couple of weeks I've been just holding it together and it feels like things just keep building.

Observations: I was not able at the time to acknowledge that I was really afraid that he was not going to see me again after his vacation. I was getting increasingly ungrounded and disconnecting. The stress of working and trying to deal with therapy and the memories was really not working anymore, but I was hoping that the holidays when I took time off would help. I was also freaking out about going from 8 hours of therapy a week to 7. It is really hard for me to believe that I was doing and feeling all this. I was really crazy to be working and I really did need the level of treatment. It was that or the hospital. I am really grateful that Geoffrey took the time, patience and energy to modify outpatient therapy to meet my needs.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October, 28, 2005 ~ Abandonment!!

I think that it is ironic that where I am in my past journal entries is almost exactly three years ago. Some of it seems recent and others seem so long ago. It has also been a long time since I posted a past entry as there has been so much current process and then my surgery. The last journal entry was on October 2nd for the date October 27, 2005.

When we last peeked in at CC's past, her therapist had announced that he was going on vacation. CC and her therapist were trying to talk about attachment. In CC's own words, let's return to the story...

Yes, my poor attempt at making this a drama. It actually is more like a dramady. Anyway, in my journal I continued to write and discuss in therapy my attachment to my therapist. This meant borderline abandonment fears go amok, again!!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY:

October 28, 2005

Geoffrey,

Most of me really doesn't want to disconnect from you because it is really painful to feel. It really scares me sometimes when there is a disconnect between us because it feels like it will never be repaired which, I guess, is where I go sometimes. Then, I feel hopeless and it gets loud and nothing matters...I don't matter.

I'm feeling really panicked about you leaving and really want to push away. Feels like I'm going away. Feeling really sensitive to what you say and do and everything you say can easily throw me into "I'm bad." Feeling "bad" anyway...so much remember feeling bad all the time. Feel like crying now.

Feels so chaotic and disorganized and terrified...feels like you are leaving for good that I'll never see you again. Feels like I'm being punished. Never should have let you in to begin with. Really want to die and hurt myself.

The feeling like I'm going to die and the suicidal thoughts are really loud...even had thoughts of walking into traffic. Remember thinking that a lot growing up, there was that boulevard and this one or that one. Just wanting to die...wanting to cry.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to make one of us not real or not exist. But, I really don't want to detach from you. It just makes it more painful. My stomach hurts. I think, I'm feeling really anxious, almost panicky. My chest and throat hurt, feel lightheaded and my hands start to tingle.

I remember feeling this way growing up and even now. Then, I just would go away or numb out. I remember staring out the car window feeling like this.

Sometimes, I wonder if it matters to you that you going away is so difficult for me, but I know that you care, just hard to hang onto sometimes. I feel like crying, but I'd rather be angry at you that feels just a bit more like I have control.

So much, goes on inside when you leave and it is like I need to make you not exist, but then I end up not existing and the thoughts just spiral.

The object constancy thing is really difficult. My head knows one thing, but my feelings are, so different.

I'm feeling really bad and sensitive. Last night, I was a little sensitive to when you would laugh. And, I've been getting frustrated with my supervisor, but, I think, I have reason to be, but I'm having difficulty asserting myself with her. She said that I assured her that I had already scheduled an intake; however, in our last two conversations, she told me to hold off until she could discuss it with her supervisor. She was insistent that she was right, but I know she wasn't . The other situation is her questioning me on things that we have already discussed that are not clear cut as to where to go because of conflicting goals and other issues. I can't do anything, yet and it feels like I'm supposed to have already fixed it.

I think, in someways it reminds me of my mother telling me one thing or backing me up. Only to side with my step-father and discount or deny what she told me either by her words or actions.

I'm feeling really jumpy and things seem so loud around me. The suicidal thoughts and plans and the wanting to cut and bruise are extremely loud.

Talking about my mother this week has been really difficult. Makes my heat hurt. Makes me feel sad. I keep wanting to tell you that it wasn't that bad. And, another part wants to talk about how bad it was and how horrible I felt all the time.

I really don't want to push you away, but my first and strongest impulse is to disconnect from you or me, make neither one of us exist. Feeling just seems so overwhelming.

Mostly, feel anxious and want to cry. I'm not really feeling that much anger. My disconnecting and pushing you away is based in fear, anxiety and not wanting to cry. But, I feel like I need to and it isn't necessarily about you leaving, but some of it is. When, I think, about you leaving or even this weekend when I don't see you, I feel panic.

Observations: I have quite a bit, but I'm too tired to write them. Sorry. I will say that this past week when my therapist was on vacation that I stayed connected to myself for the most part before, during and after. I also didn't make him "pay."

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 1, 2005 ~ Pain, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges!

Geoffrey,

I had a tough time sleeping last night. I kept feeling overwhelmed and panicky and just really scared. My stomach and chest hurt and my throat was tight. Felt like I was terrified, at times, and that is how I kept waking up until I took my PRN. Felt like crying too.

Felt the same this morning and tired...got really frustrated with myself and felt bad because I couldn't focus enough to complete even one of my charts. Kept feeling panicked and overwhelmed. Wanting to cut and bruise.

My chest hurts right now and my throat is tight. Flashbacks have been intrusive and disturbing. Wish I could just turn it off.

Over the weekend, a lot of the times, it felt like I did when we lived in the house...the constant thoughts of wanting to die or kill myself. Had those thoughts today, but they were not as loud.

Been thinking a little about what things mean. Self injury usually has to do with being angry, feeling bad or trying to numb out. The wanting to die is usually about trying to say how painful things are and having an escape. The wanting to kill myself seems more of trying to say how much pain I'm in and having an out. The book you let me borrow talks about it being partly about control...about having control of ending the pain.

I'm not sure what the nothing matters is. I don't matter, the promises I made don't matter. It is like I totally disconnnect from others and myself. Maybe it is about feeling hopless and saying that I'm tired. It is really loud and constant and sometimes, I feel like just giving up. It is disconnecting from everything. Not wanting to feel, think or remember anymore. And feeling hopeless that it won't end. Feeling totally alone, misunderstood, that no one will ever understand or listen, or comfort me.

Remember feeling/thinking that growing up. Thinking back, I felt like that frequently especially after getting hit, yelled at or during/after the sexual abuse. The just wanting to die...that it wouldn't matter if I died. Felt like that as an infant, at my grandparents, at my step-father's parents house, where I lived and through college.

I've have always had really scary and dark thoughts. So much pain never allowed to feel. So many tears and screams deep inside...the rule, never let anyone know or see. It really doesn't matter, I'm okay. I need to be okay. Don't let anyone hear...too dangerous. Can't let anything matter. Hurts too much. Need to just go away. Never let anyone know. Never talk. Never share. Never cry or scream. Need to stay silent and pretend everything is okay.

Observations: At this point, I am having more difficulty coping and it is really effecting my work. I remember feeling this because it still occurs now when I am fragmenting or defending. Then, I was in the process of trying to figure out what I was trying to tell myself and my therapist. Two, great questions to ask are "What am I defending against?" and "What am I trying to say?" I can do that now, but back then I don't think it was possible because my feelings and thoughts were my whole focus. I was in just getting through the day mode without harming myself and not going away as much. I also completed fingerpaints on this day which are posted on the Courageous Steps site.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 28, 2005~during work day

Hi Everyone!!! Yesterday's post and Wordle did me in...cannot focus on my mother right now. I am emotionally exhausted. So, here is a journal entry.


Geoffrey,

It is so very loud today...the suicidal thoughts, the plans, wanting to cut and bruise and planning ways to do it at work, wanting to die, the flashbacks and feeling bad.

I think, the feeling bad was made worse by two of my coworkers being very loud and wearing a lot of fragrance. Also, I've been panicky and generally on edge and overwhelmed and when they came in it just added, so much to it.

Feeling bad about what we talked about yesterday and just this week. Also, getting anxious with you being out of town. Also, feels like I need to cry. I just want to disappear and go away. Just die.

"Why," keeps running through my head. Why did my step-father and his father, Jon and the day program do what they did? I find it confusing. I also feel bad because I liked their attention and special treatment. I liked them and though that they liked me.

I keep hearing you saying that my step-father was sadistic. That seems really hard to accept. I don't want to see it like that. Yet, I know it fits. Even harder to see my mother in that light.

I've been in the car trying to get some quiet, bet now there is a jack hammer and gardeners going on all around me. I am feeling overwhelmed by all the noise. And, I don;t want to go back to the office.

So, I went for a walk. Came back and it was quiet until the two same coworkers returned from lunch. However, they did eventually quiet some. But, I've been feeling really overwhelmed, panicky and on edge. The thoughts have been getting louder. I found the utility knife at work, but didn't use it. Tempting. Feel like crying.

Sometimes, I feel like crying just because it feels good to have you listen to me. Your support and encouragement feels good. Really scares me too.

Also, thinking about what I said about when you went to San Jose about feeling like you were intentionally trying to hurt me. Makes more sense now, but only if I take into account that my step-father and my mother were sadistic. It is such a harsh word.

It has been bugging me trying to remember what you said over the weekend about why the teasing bothered me so much.

Flash of pictures, feelings and sensations about all the things we've been talking about. Feels so crazy, intrusive and stressing.

Observations: I am really emotionally wiped out, so I am not going to make any here. Maybe, later tomorrow or maybe not.