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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 28, 2005~during work day

Hi Everyone!!! Yesterday's post and Wordle did me in...cannot focus on my mother right now. I am emotionally exhausted. So, here is a journal entry.


It is so very loud today...the suicidal thoughts, the plans, wanting to cut and bruise and planning ways to do it at work, wanting to die, the flashbacks and feeling bad.

I think, the feeling bad was made worse by two of my coworkers being very loud and wearing a lot of fragrance. Also, I've been panicky and generally on edge and overwhelmed and when they came in it just added, so much to it.

Feeling bad about what we talked about yesterday and just this week. Also, getting anxious with you being out of town. Also, feels like I need to cry. I just want to disappear and go away. Just die.

"Why," keeps running through my head. Why did my step-father and his father, Jon and the day program do what they did? I find it confusing. I also feel bad because I liked their attention and special treatment. I liked them and though that they liked me.

I keep hearing you saying that my step-father was sadistic. That seems really hard to accept. I don't want to see it like that. Yet, I know it fits. Even harder to see my mother in that light.

I've been in the car trying to get some quiet, bet now there is a jack hammer and gardeners going on all around me. I am feeling overwhelmed by all the noise. And, I don;t want to go back to the office.

So, I went for a walk. Came back and it was quiet until the two same coworkers returned from lunch. However, they did eventually quiet some. But, I've been feeling really overwhelmed, panicky and on edge. The thoughts have been getting louder. I found the utility knife at work, but didn't use it. Tempting. Feel like crying.

Sometimes, I feel like crying just because it feels good to have you listen to me. Your support and encouragement feels good. Really scares me too.

Also, thinking about what I said about when you went to San Jose about feeling like you were intentionally trying to hurt me. Makes more sense now, but only if I take into account that my step-father and my mother were sadistic. It is such a harsh word.

It has been bugging me trying to remember what you said over the weekend about why the teasing bothered me so much.

Flash of pictures, feelings and sensations about all the things we've been talking about. Feels so crazy, intrusive and stressing.

Observations: I am really emotionally wiped out, so I am not going to make any here. Maybe, later tomorrow or maybe not.


Strong and determined said...

You are working through so many thoughts and feelings - it's wise to step back and give yourself some time before making observations. I admire you for your strength. You are stronger than you realize.

jumpinginpuddles said...

WE know how hard it is to control the urges to hurt it is horrible

Clueless said...

@strong and determined. Yes, I feel emotionally exhausted

@JIP. Thank you!!!

Roger DJ said...

Hang in there ! No matter what someone else has done to you, you are loved by God more than what you feel right now. Hold on to the truth.

Clueless said...

Hi Rog, God's love and presence in my life has never been a question or the foundation even cracked, so I have that assurance all the time. It is the other things that I have difficulty with.

Anonymous said...

As exhausting as it is, I know you've also been extremely brave and put forth SO much effort.

If we could compare it to a physical activity, it would be much like running a hundred mile marathon, backwards, and with one leg.

You've made so much progress, and it's no wonder you're exhausted!

Still, I am SO proud of you. You're conquering these battles, like a knight with an unstoppable sword.


Thank you for sharing such personal things. I think it allows all of us to grow some. I admire that about you.

Roger DJ said...

well that's good to know. When I read that someone wants do themselves in I get concerned.

Clueless said...

Thank and that is wise, but also realize that some of my posts are past journal entries and some are current. You have to read the titles. Usually, current stuff including my observations are in purple. Thank you again.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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