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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Where am I...I feel disconnected.

I'm in this weird space. Kind of like being here and not being here. I can't explain it. Today's session did not go anything like I anticipated it to. I had a reaction to a word my therapist used, so we ended up talking about that with my tearing up and having these horrible flashback. I wanted him to stop, but he kept gently pushing forward. It ended up a lot deeper that I thought. Maybe, that is it. I feel achy, empty, like everything inside and outside hurts and that there is this hole where I just need to cry.

The flashbacks of this and what my step-father did when I was at home alone with him keep coming back and in my nightmares. I know I need to talk about it, but there wasn't enough time. Talked about my psychiatrist appointment and increasing depression today. I don't want hospitalization, but I'm not sure if it might help. I getting more and more hopeless as things get deeper and I talk. I've grown weary of the flashbacks. I'm tired of just hurting all over and I feel like I just need to really sob. I just want the aching, suicidal thoughts, urges to cut, hypervigilance, sensitivity to what everyone says or doesn't say, waking up with "I need to die," the emptiness and the flashbacks to stop. When does it end...I know depression is a natural response to all of this, but when does it end...it has been a long time with the flashbacks. My depression always gets worse during summer and we are looking at that and everything in me says, "no!"

I don't know why I wrote this, if it relevant or rambling or both or if it makes a difference. Maybe, I just won't publish it. I don't know. I am questioning every decision that I make. Not in a good space. Not in a good space...need another PRN to calm down enough to think. *Sigh*


j said...

You sound exhausted -- who can blame you?

Yes, depression is a natural response to your past and dealing with it, but I do think there will be an end, a peace with what happened to you. It may be a long journey. You will get there.


Clueless said...

Yes, I am emotionally and physically drained by all of this. Thanks for the encouragement...I so much need to talk and then it takes so much out of me. I guess this is why I am not working and blogging instead. ((((hugs back))))

Tempy said...

When I am in that space, I often try to approach it with problem and solution focus, which ultimately ends in frustration and disappointment and deeper depression because I can't just fix it.

My therapist has told me on numerous occasions that I don't have to have the answers and I can't just fix it. With her working on breaking down my dissociative barriers it is going to HURT and my only job is to take care of myself. To give myself patience and understanding, and to be unusually nice to myself. Using that approach has been really helpful and I am now able to step back and ask myself what I need. And if I don't know I think of what a child would need from a parent when they felt this way and offer it to myself.

Something else that has helped me is realizing that this journey for me is not something I've done before. I am clueless about what exactly the end result is. So I keep holding out for this moment of peace and greatness. I imagine it will be so very different from all the pain and suffering I have gone through. It's terribly difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you don't know what it looks like or feels like. So I have narrowed it down for myself. I measure the growth that I've been through and realized how different I am now, and how much better this feels even though it still feels crappy. That insight gives me a measurement, and I know if I have made this much improvement, there is a LOT more room for more and it gives me hope.

Sorry for the ramble

Clueless said...

Thank you that was helpful. I know you understand. Part of the problem is that I don't give myself credit for my growth. I just focus on where I think I should be. I think, I just feel really tired of hurting and want a break from it...but my own body is saying not yet.

By the way, I like your new avatar.

nippercatshome said...

It is so hard when we are working through our therapy, and going through everything that happened to us, that its no wonder we have the flashbacks come back and haunt us. I just want it to go away also, but I also know that in order to heal I have to go through this process and get it all out, or else it will never go away. We have to keep on fighting until there is nothing left of the past. It will happen, we just have to believe that it will, and it will happen sooner or later.. Just hang in there and keep posting, so we can talk to u and try and help you whatever way we can. It's going to be a long road ahead, but after it is all over we can look back and say WOW...I did it...I can do it....so be gentle with yourself, go easy, and it will happen....Mary

Anonymous said...

we know this terrible place of being overwhelmed it is horrible and exhausting, maybe now is the tiem to express in art (no matter how much you think you cant draw or whatever ) and release thsi way, because unless you find a way it could overwhelm you.
If it helps we are about to embark back on drawing no matter how immature because we are getting swamped also.\
You are not alone, we feel so much for you and your place and space right now.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting, you're doing the best thing for yourself.
I can relate to the exhaustion and the pit of ill things. But it does end somewhere, of that I'm sure.

Clueless said...

@Mary. Thanks for the encouragement. I'll keep posting...it is amazing how helpful a blog is.

@JIP. Thank you. I feel for you also. Feels good not to be alone and to be understood. Painting sounds good.

@svasti. I know it ends too, but I'm getting impatient!!

Katie's Blog said...

I am sorry you're having a hard time.I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Email me anytime you want. Hugs if you want them.


Clueless said...

@Katie's blog. Thank you. Hugs are nice, email is helpful, but could I have a chocolate chip cookie, please?

Anonymous said...

Chocolate chip cookies for all!!!!


It will get better!

Anonymous said...

Don't forgeet that God has a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:17)

Hang in there, one day or minute at a time.

Is there a way to restructure your mindset around the flaskbacks?

Anonymous said...

Get it all out!!!!!!!! I learned that for me I had to travel to the darkest corners of desperation before I found the last embers of hope that still existed within me. You will be okay and you are okay...just keep moving forward!


Clueless said...

@Ash. I'm all for the cookies! Thanks.

@Laurie. Not really...it is just getting through the pain. No way around it.

@Morgan. Thanks for the hugs. I know you are right it just really hurts and is really shitty!!!

Tamara (TC) Staples said...


I wish I had words to help you. I so understand the exhaustion and wondering if it ever ends. It does end - I am sure of it - it has to. You are doing such hard work to heal yourself. There has to be a reward for that which is reaching the place of peace that you so deserve. I hope you can hold onto all of the people who love you and support you to help you get to that peaceful place. We are always here for you!


Clueless said...

@Tamara. Thank you encouragementand for being here for me.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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