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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Past Journal Entry: July 12, 2005 ~ Morning


I am feeling ashamed, a little sad and disappointed in myself for bruising this morning. Also, afraid to tell you as I keep thinking you are going to take away the ocassional evening check-ins saying that it didn't work last night.

I bruised twice around 3 am and 5 am. The first time I stopped, but the second time, I didn't. I used an old hairbrush with the stiff plastic bristles with the nubs previously removed, so it broke skin and hurt more. Although, I hit myself less, only about 300 times and when I took a shower I was really bleeding and it stung. I didn't mean to draw so much blood. It was like I just went into a different mode.

I also really meant it last night when I promised you I wouldn't hurt myself, but it was like I literally wasn't thinking and was on automatic pilot. The early morning hours and when I'm waking up seem to be the most difficult times. Feels like I got tired of fighting. But, I did go for almost four complete days without hurting myself. I am so afraid of your response. ~END~

These are the fingerpaintings that I did the day before on 7/12/05. I painted 5 or 6, but I am displaying only three. I am also leaving out the color chart. It is abstract art, so everyone reads into it what they see, not necessarily what I meant. I thought it would be more helpful for others to just look at it as find out what they mean to them. If you don't get anything out of it don't worry, some people are not as visual and it means nothing to them. I no longer worry about fingerpainting around my husband because he doesn't see anything but a bunch of colors on paper.


jumpinginpuddles said...

all finger painting showing smeared blood can you think you explain why?

sending gentle hugs

Clueless said...

The red doesn't represent smeared blood to me; however, I can see how it could. To me,when I painted these two years ago,it represented my pain. So, it could be blood, at least, some.

Thank you for the hugs.

gentle hugs back to you JIP

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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