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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Don't Want To Look Behind The Door By Myself!!

I hate to break up my own party, but this has been on my mind for a while. It started on Friday during my therapy session. We talked about my suicidal ideation. My therapist said, something like, "I always take you seriously, but realize that it has been more intense before and you haven't followed through." He said a bunch of other stuff, but I had gone away.

I immediately thought that he wasn't taking my suicidal thoughts seriously and that I was making too big a deal about it, that I would never follow through, was being manipulative with it, that it was not that bad, etc... All the same stuff that runs through my head all the time, at some level.

Well, that put me in a bad place for the weekend. I left a couple of messages and starting crying on them. I just didn't feel good and did not know what that meant. Toward the end of Sunday, I realized that I wanted to be angry at him. Meaning that I knew that I wasn't really angry at him, but he was the target and I didn't feel angry toward him and didn't know what to do. (Are you confused yet?...Then, I'm not trying hard enough.)

When I saw him on Monday, he pushed the issue and had me focus on being angry at him. With much reluctance and after a time of trying to decide to go away or stay in the room emotionally and mentally, not physically, I told him that I felt like he didn't take me seriously. He did state that he always takes it seriously, and that I could kill myself anytime. He also said that he takes my history into account that I have always told him when I've been in trouble and needed hospitalization.
I started to talk about how young and how the thoughts seem like they never stop. We kept talking about that and my still feeling like he didn't understand.

Then, there was a turn. He kept asking me questions and I began to cry and he continued to gently push and I felt comforted and like he put his arm around me. And, somewhere inside of me we found this really hidden door, but I was terrified because I had no idea what was inside. Normally, I would back away and not share the room with anyone until I looked. This time was different because I felt like we opened the unknown door together.

I began to really cry and told him that I realized that as a child I felt like something was wrong with me and that the suicidal thoughts I was having really did mean that I was bad and evil. That I believed I had evil spirits and this is why I thought that way. Explains why I had such a strong reaction to the woman on the Godlinked site. It also hit me that the cult and my mother and almost everyone else had really brainwashed me, but it did hit me until that moment that I really did believe them as a child. Also, there still is a small part that still believes it.

I left not in a good place (I was feeling like I was evil and deserved to die) and left a message asking him to call me. Talking to him was very helpful. I am being flooded with the feelings that I had as a child of not only the suicidal/hopeless thoughts, but of feeling, bad, evil and that I did not deserve to live. It is quite overwhelming. They are really intense flashbacks.

I am angry that I believed them and the lies and that it has had such an impact on me. I am also sad thinking and seeing myself as a little girl even at two having all that going through her head. How must it be for a child if my being an adult has difficulty with it being overwhelming. As expected, the suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut are loud.

I keep going away as a way to avoid feeling and thinking about the reality. How does a child grow up thinking that everytime she has a suicidal thought, which was all the time, that she is evil, bad and deserves to die? Or to even believe that she really does deserve to die, is bad and is evil. What an awful way to grow up and to continue these thoughts into adulthood.

I really was brainwashed and believed that I was evil...overwhelmed, angry, sad, confused. However, I don't feel alone...I feel like I am trusting my therapist further which is also scary and comforting. I feel like he is there right with me...finally someone to talk to and to listen to all the thoughts that are hidden behind such a tangled maze...what else is there?


jumpinginpuddles said...

brainwashing is the cults best way fo keeping you silent, not sure how toi ask this but.......
has you and your T ever talked about dissocation?

j said...

You opened the door when you felt safe enough to do it. The feelings are difficult, but you are handling them and you have an amazing ally in your therapist.

I also grew up with these feelings (they're not gone yet, that's for sure) and was a suicidal child (and adult, at times). I didn't experience anything like the abuse that you did, so I can only imagine how difficult it is to confront these feelings. But you are! That is a sign of strength.

Clueless said...

JIP, you do not need to be apprehensive in bringing up anything with me. I'm already laying the pieces of my life on a blog and I trust you.

My therapist and I have discussed dissociation and yes I do that currently and it is how I got through my abuse. However, it has never truly interfered in my ability to function, so I have never been diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder NOS.

But, I call it "going away," but we both know that I know what it is. It generally happens in therapy or at home when it becomes too intense emotionally. I used to go away for whole sessions because I didn't feel safe. Most of the time I can hear and respond. But, as we get closer to the really intense, untouched stuff, it gets harder and harder to stay in reality in session, but I have never gone away for very long. However, I am realizing how often it happened as a child.

The way that I dissociate also is elusive. Many other therapist have not noticed it, but have implied that I was withdrawing and taking control. My therapist said that he understands how that could happen because I can sometimes hid it really well, even from my husband.

Thank you for asking. I really appreciate it. I feel very sad now because I needed it to survive from such a young age and now it is automatic whenever things get intense, but I'm working on it. Right now, I think it is considered part of the PTSD. I hope that you come back and read this.

Clueless said...

JIP. My cult experience was not as horrific as yours, but I do get the silencing part.

mudcakes are fun said...

hi clueless,
any cult experience is woeful if youve bene invloved on any level the level of trauma is intense, thats how the cult silence you. My abuse is not different to yours nor more horrific nor not, any cult activity is intense and horrific.

Thanks for answering the dossiciative question for us, we just wanted it to be made aware that it may not be implausable for you to ahve elemets of a dissociative disorder and as you are learnign about the cult you may also learn more aspects of this, you also may not. I guess we didnt want you to freak out if some things happened in therapy and you didnt expect it.

Programning is exactly how the cult keep you silenced in fact the saddest thing is that without the programning they could not have kept you silent.

Sending you safe hugs

Clueless said...

the multitude,

Thank you so much for bringing it up. It was good for me to think about it. Yes, you are right any cult activity is horrible and the silence is one of the hardest parts.

take care,

Tamara (TC) Staples said...


I didn't have the cult experience but I did have religion used against me. I was constantly told I was bad and going to hell. Not the same thing as you experienced but I do understand what you are feeling. As a child we really take to heart the things we are told about ourselves and then it is so hard to understand that they are not true and to change our thinking.

Of course, you are NOT evil. You are beautiful and caring. You are wonderfully open and honest and you are far, far from evil. I hope you can keep telling yourself this until you can override those old feelings.

I read your answer on the dissociation and it is what I am going through now. I too can put on a party face and no one has a clue that I am not really there. It is a horrible feeling.

Hang in there. You are doing good work. You seem to have a phenomenal connection with your therapist!

Take care and hugs,

Clueless said...

My relationship with my therapist...sheesh! I've paid for it, so has he. I've known him for almost 22 years and have been seeing him for 17. There was a 5 year break. The relationship has been hard fought. I currently see him 4 days a week and sometimes a phone call or two. For most of those years, it was two days per week and during this past five years it has been three hours to 8 hours per week. He is also an excellent therapist...highly regarded. He makes all the difference.

I'm sorry that "the church" was used against you. I hope my blog helps with that some.


Bradley said...

I'm grateful that you have a therapist you trust to help you through this. I've been though several that I didn't feel that way and adore the one I have now and trust her without hesitation. It does mean I open more than I tell myself I want to at times, however, and I understand why that is scary.

Clueless said...

Bradly, thank you for understanding. It really is great to have you around.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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