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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, August 18, 2008

My Truth ~ My Childhood Slideshow

This slide show will be triggering, so if you are not in a good place do not watch it!!! Don't even try to push yourself!! If you are triggered, please go to your safe places and people. You can also blog or write a long comment. I don't mind and Blogger seems to take it. Be gentle with yourself.

This particular slideshow has been in the works on and off for a couple of weeks. I felt compelled to put it together and at the same time it repelled me. I did not want to deal with the content. I do note that there is some lack of emotional words, but the pictures speak louder than words.

I am very apprehensive about posting this one and there is shame at what I experienced and what I have done. Again, is it really okay to share what is really inside. Also, I don't want to believe that it is about me and I am afraid of how people will respond because it is difficult for me to watch. Yet, another step of telling my truth ~ my childhood. And, the fears that come.

I also really did this slideshow for my process which also means that there are some things that won't make any sense, but to me. Don't worry about not getting it. Thanks.

16 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

A very powerful slide show. It took great courage for you to do this.

Tamara said...

Clueless,

Extremely powerful! It took my breath away. So many of the things I have felt over the years were contained in the slideshow like "I can't be me" or "they want you to be afraid". The last one was big. My parents loved that I feared them. Sick!

Thanks for all your hard work.

Hugs,
Tamara

Clueless said...

@Drifter. Thank you...this one was really tough.

@Tamara. I'm glad that you found things that resounated with you.

preciousrock said...

Thanks for sharing your life with us. Although I cannot possibly relate to most of what you have experienced in your life, as I have said before, I can relate to the emotions expressed by many of these words and pictures. Some of the abuse that I received from my father was more subtle and mostly verbal. It still scarred me though.

Clueless said...

Thanks for just listening to my story and accepting me still.

Mike Golch said...

C.C.this took a lot of courage to share this. I'm glad you did. Hugs and God's Blessings and Love. your friend Mike G. said that!(It's an A.A.thing)

theinsanities said...

Wow! That is sad and powerful. Thankyou for sharing it. I recognize many of those feelings in myself, and I often think I don't feel anything at all. It makes it easier to let my own skeletons out of the closet when I see others doing it.

Clueless said...

Thank you Mike!

@theinsanities. Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. I do the same. I disconnect from my own feelings, but can connect with others leading me back to mine. My therapist "uses it against" me! LOL!!

jumpinginpuddles said...

strong slideshow telling it as it is for you adn many others who have survived this terrible place well done for also saying some things for me and so many others in this clip

Clueless said...

Thank you and you're welcome.

mini uk said...

I think that was the most powerful thing I have ever seen/read, I continue to be reassured by what you write, admire you for your strength & your honesty, I am so glad your secret is out, sending you gentle hugs from afar, take as much care of you as you can & know you are not on your own even when you feel like it.

I loved your stair picture, don't know what it means to you but I like sitting on my own stairs, it's like being nowhere & no windows so I can't be seen yet I am here.

Catatonic Kid said...

*big hugs*

It says a lot, and they are things that need to be said. Desperately, sometimes. When there are too many words something like this turns the page. Getting it out of your mind and sharing it is important. There's no shame in wanting to be heard. I want that too.

And you are, CC - heard, that is. Definitely.

Clueless said...

@CK. Thank you for the hugs and for listening. Your support means a lot to me.

@miniuk. Thank you for your encouraging words. The staircase really didn't have a meaning. The little girl is what I was focused on. I felt like she was blending in with the floor which is what I wanted to do when it was too overwhelming which was almost all the time.

YogaforCynics said...

Wow--this is powerful stuff--overwhelming--full of sadness and hurt, but also a sense of triumph (or at least impending triumph)--you've got all this shit laid out and you can look at it. It can't beat you. It certainly can't kill you. You're bigger and more powerful than all of it put together. To quote Lou Reed: "there's a door up ahead, not a wall."

austin said...

The one that sticks with me is about this is the year I'll disappear. I always thought, this is the year I'll die.

It is a disgusting thing to know my mother enjoyed herself.

I also found the part about what they used to hurt is now a tool for self injury. I do that too. I touched on it a tad bit yesterday in the blog but only one aspect of it.

The slide shows you do are quite strong. I think the strongest thing about them is that they're silent, they're like our thoughts, no one can hear them but us but they're loud and clear and hurtful and damaging. I think if I heard these things out loud I'd dissociate or intellectualize them away. Seeing them in words without sound makes them more like my own private thoughts. This means I feel it rather strongly. It's clear as a bell and loud as old tapes.

Austin

Clueless said...

Yoga for Cynics, Thank you. I have triumphed already because I have won. Now, it is sorting through the aftermath. Thank you...I really like looking at it that way. I also love the Lou Reed quote. I think I will try to use it somewhere.

Austin, they are scary powerful to me. For me, it is a relief to hear that you use what was used for abuse for self injury. I know lots of people do that, but to hear it from someone I know helps me feel less ashamed. Thank you.

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