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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I'm Feeling A Bit More Depressed!

Today, I wasn't going to post anything at all, but I woke up realizing that I was feeling more depressed than "normal." For the last two days, I've been sleeping on/off throughout the day. 1-2 hours up and 1-2 hours sleeping. I'm tired, but it feels more like an escaping kind of thing. Not, that I can do anything about falling asleep at the computer, my desk or table.

I had lots of things I could have scheduled to post today, but I just did not feel like dealing with it. Just like, I did not feel like doing my homework assignment from my therapist focusing on abandonment from my mother. Yes, we got into that Monday. I'm not happy about it and don't want to discuss it.

But, it came up because of my borderline personality disorder series. I don't think I realize how much that took out of me emotionally. Or even, how much I revealed about my mother and I. So, again I put myself out there and tell the truth. What always happens, my symptoms go up, so that is part of the reason for being more depressed.

I also think that the two panic attacks, last Wednesday and Friday, is still rattling around in my brain with I did something wrong and it is a set back. When in actuality, my therapist told me that I handled it well and that I could not have done anything to prevent it. Also, in that somewhere is trusting and allowing my husband and my therapist to take care of me and letting that feel good. With that came the realization, that I've always longed for that, but my mother couldn't provide it. What always happens, my symptoms go up, so that is part of the reason for being more depressed.

Okay, now I get it. Now, what to do. Or do I do nothing and just ride it out. Now, I am feeling my depression. I suppose it is a good thing. I guess, at least, I have something to talk about in therapy today.

13 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

Digging into the past always leaves me feeling depressed. I hope today brings you moments of peace.

Clueless said...

Thank you.

Bradley said...

I'm sad you are going through a difficult time. I hope pushing through the muck will help to make you bloom. Too often it hurts to heal.

Tamara said...

Clueless,

You really pushed yourself with the BPD articles so it probably isn't surprising that it has stirred up some things. You can truly be proud of yourself that you had the courage and strength and have healed enough to be able to push through the articles to begin with. You also shared some things about yourself that must have been very difficult. You are so amazingly strong!

The panic attacks have a lag effect for me also. GGGRRR!!!

I hope things settle down for you soon. I am here for you.

Hugs,
Tamara

Ash said...

*hugs*

Clueless said...

@ Bradley. Thank you...Yes, the healing process sucks!!! But, it is people like you that help me through.

@Tamara. Thank you. I forget that panic attack do have an aftermath and yes the BPD was much more work personally, than I thought it was.

@ash. Thank you!! Those feel good.

Mike Golch said...

Been there done that do not want to be there. Hugs and Blessing to you my friend!You are in my prayers.Mike G.said That(It's an A.A.Thing)

Clueless said...

Thank you, Mike G. Glad to know you understand.

catatonickid said...

Sometimes it feels like: When do I get to lift up a rock that doesn't have ruddy depression underneath?

It's so easy to fall into it when you're dealing with big emotions like you have been, CC. I hope that as you further process things it will lift.

I suspect it will because like Tamara suggested there have been things going on for you that are seriously stressful of late.

Clueless said...

Thank you CK. Yes, there has been alot of stress. And, I know that it is "normal" for a person to feel a bit more depressed when you lift a rock and that my defense against all of these things is to become more depressed and my defenses themselves add to my depression. Everything is wired in my brain to do that. But, all the understanding in the world doesn't make me feel any better. However, having the support of everyone around here, and words of encouragement and support like from you are helpful. You know what? This whole process just sucks and I'm angry that I need to go through it anyway! Thank your again for your comment and support. You are always very helpful, my friend.

Nur Sarah Lam said...

Sometimes, I am feeling just like you,and today is one of the days.

I guess that's life.

catatonickid said...

Yeah, I wholeheartedly agree, CC - the whole dang thing of this just sucks. It's messy, and hard and all the awareness in the world doesn't make it one wit easier.

*hugs*

You're not alone though. Never alone even though you may feel very distant.

Clueless said...

Sarah, thanks for visiting again. Sorry, you were having a rough day.

CK, thank you. You do know that Australia is quite a distance though. LOL!!!

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