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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I can't stop fragmenting!!! Today's therapy session.

Geoffrey,
Thank you for this week and especially for today’s session. I know that I’ve been really having a difficult time for the past 3-4 weeks. My fragmentation has been really bad and many times I can’t seem to get out of feeling like I’m bad which makes what everyone else says and does feel critical and rejecting. Most of the time, I know I’m fragmenting, but can’t seem to get out of it. Until today, I haven’t been able to tell you what has been going on in my head, so I’ve been feeling misunderstood and not heard. But, I haven’t been able to tell you anything.

The suicidal thoughts are loud and constant for this past week with, “I want to die.” I just feel so overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, misunderstood, unheard, bad, etc… I also know that this is part of my fragmenting. It felt good to talk about it and how difficult the fragmentation has been. When you brought up hospitalization, it felt good to discuss it even though I don’t want it. I have thought about it either because I’m just so tired of fighting, fragmenting and dealing with the suicidal thoughts. I am also glad that you trust me in making that decision with you.

Between talking about abandonment, the BPD series, the last Wordle about things my mother said and my working on another slide show and everything being so loud in my head. Until today, I just haven’t been able to find the words to get it out. I feel relieved today after talking. I’m tired of being depressed, dealing with all the thoughts and memories and I’m angry that I have to go through this. I’ve been gathering pictures for the slide show and it seems like it is going to be more graphic regarding the abuse and self-injury, so I’m not sure that I will share it in a post. Or maybe, it would be good for the comments. Whatever, I feel like I want to put it together. It is also some of what has been rattling in my head.

I know all the stuff I mentioned and the flashbacks have brought up all of the feelings that I really didn’t feel. I’m fragmenting because I am having difficulty separating then from now. I feel so tired. I am also really grateful for your being there for me and that I trust you enough to talk. Now, if I can stop fragmenting long enough to say something in session that would be good. Today felt good and shitty at the same time. But, mostly I feel relieved. I am also really grateful for the blog and the support I receive from the blog community. I’m just in a bad space right now, but today helped. “I want to die,” is still there, but not as loud.

15 comments:

catatonickid said...

You know what? You've had a really big week, so it makes sense to me that you'd be struggling with being a bit all over the shop.

I think you've done incredibly well to keep going this week, CC - what with so much going on. And you've every right to be tired! Goodness knows I would be. It's exhausting trying to combat so much, and stay focused and in control.

But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, I reckon. You are a warrior, of sorts - at least, that's how I think of it sometimes. You need a lot of discipline and awareness and strength to come to grips with all that you have had to deal with.

*hugs* Hope your weekend is recovery time - at least somewhat =)

Clueless said...

CK~Thank you for putting things into perspective. I think about your posts this week and how focus is such a difficult thing and I have to move through the fog to find me. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. I plan to rest this weekend.

Tamara said...

((((Clueless))))

You have been doing such brave and courageous work with your BPD series, slideshows and wordles. It is inspiring the way you push through even when you know it is going to significantly trigger you. Your honesty in your blog about what you think and feel shows that you really understand yourself and it demonstrates how hard you are working to heal.

We all need to take breaks even when we are doing work that is very meaningful and special to us. Maybe it is time for you to take a few days and rest, re-group and generally soothe yourself. You have certainly earned a bit of a vaca!

I truly hope things settle down for you really soon.

Hugs,
Tamara

Wandering Coyote said...

I hear you on how tiring this illness and all the intricate processes around it are right now. I'm glad your "I want to die" has quietened down a bit. Catatonickid is right - you are a warrior of sorts, a spiritual warrior. Be sure to give yourself some space between all the hard work you're doing.

Clueless said...

Thank you Tamara. Yes, I probably do need a break, but my mind won't stop and the thoughts just keep going...some healthy relief comes from doing the blog stuff. But, my hunch is that I will sleep most of the weekend.

Thank you wandering coyote. Thank you for the compliments, support and encouragement. I think, being self-comforting or just being good to myself
is a really difficult thing for me.

Anonymous Drifter said...

Never give up the fight. You're a courageous woman. Healing happens a day at a time.

Wandering Coyote said...

Self-soothing is a definite skill that takes work. It was taught in the DBT program I took. It's hard because we've been conditioned to think that it's wrong to find comfort, or we are conditioned to feel we are unworthy of comfort. But, in getting over that, finding decent ways to actually soothe using the five senses is a great way to de-stress and relieve anxiety. It's just getting over that worthiness hurdle that's the tough part.

marci said...

May you find rest and renewal this weekend. Courageous i have been where you are now, and know that the pain is beyond words or expression. There are places whre one finds the uselessness of words in the journey.

This is what i found in my healing. There where places so wounded that healing could not be found, by what i knew academically or from doing my own indepth work in therapy. People who have not gone through psyche pain cannot imagine what the pain is like. Yet, those places are where i made the break through into a deep pervasive kind of healing. After years of living in the pain-body, came to the place where the core was so painful that i moved into spiritual surrender. I would just say, i cannot heal this, and Holy Spirit i have to give this one to you. I found it is impossilbe to call on the Holy Spirit and not receive the administration of comfort and healing. I could not heal those places, but learned i could call on the Holy Spirit and each time in the surrender the mind would be "lifted to the the rock that is higher", and profound healing would occur. When i integrated went through what the psychological literature use to call "Spiritual conversion", and truly it was a profound re-birth and the healing has stayed and been complete. There are places in the journey where it is as if you are being birthed and birthing yourself at the same time. You are the Mother and you are the Child. For now, you are aware of the dark, that suffocating pain filled canal, but truly there will be a beautiful new, True you, dripping with after-birth and smiling with joy. May it be soon, and may the true self be revealed on the other side of this passage. Nothing can touch the true self, and when it is revealed you will know that you are beautiful and whole. The Borderline issues as intense as they have effected you life, in truth have functioned as centurians to guard that which is true and untouched by the heartless hands of abuse.
May you hold both of these with love and tenderness as one is letting go, and the other is getting ready to live, dear one.

Clueless said...

@drifter. Sometimes, a minute...mine is an hour.
cc

@marci. Thank you. That was beautiful. Yes, I've been at that spiritual place quite a few time in my journey. Perhaps now, it is time again. The BPD series really seems like a minor earthquake.

Take care,
Courageous

austin said...

Not as loud is a good thing. We don't want to lose you CC.

Austin

Clueless said...

It would only be to the hospital. I know when that is needed. Thank you for your support and thoughfulness!!!

jumpinginpuddles said...

what you are going through isnt fragmenting its reliving through some forms of dissociation, and what did you mean about the noise in your head being so loud you couldnt think?
And re our blog thanks for saying you trust us:)

Ash said...

Sending love and strength your way.

Clueless said...

@JIP. I know my fragmenting is a form of dissociation, but it is what my therapist and I use to explain that stage of it. As far as the noise in my head, sometimes the thoughts and flashbacks get so overwhelming or loud that I feel like I can't think or just pull it together which means I usually go away (dissociate some). PRNs help quite things and help me feel more together.

You are welcome about the trust.

Clueless

Clueless said...

Ash, I am always thankful for your support.

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