PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 31, 2005 ~ 6:15 pm ~ Part II

Geoffrey,

Since Friday, I've also been having flashbacks of the things we've been talking about and other incidents. Keep having the feeling of being trapped, terrified and unable to move, speak or cry. Having difficulty with the idea that they were mean or sadistic, even though a par of me knows it is true. I feel a little sad and tearful right now.

Remembering John's hand over my mouth and just how scared I was of him because he was so big, felt like his hand could cover my whole face. I also keep feeling that the day program staff, holding me down by grabbing my arms and holding them above my head on the mat. I remember my skin sticking including my back side when he pushed. I keep rubbing my arms to try to make the feeling go away. I can feel him holding my shoulders into the mat while his friend hut me. Remembering being pinned to the ground in the park by him and pushing his legs into mine, so he could put his hands in my underwear.

Remember going away when Richard, co-worker in 1990, pinned me to the wall and becoming panicked when I was pinned to the couch, floor or wall during a date which was always the last date and I always cut and/or bruised afterwards.

Remember, my step-father holding me down when he touched me or had me touch him. I can feel him grab my right wrist and pull it toward him or push my head into his lap. When he would go inside or put his fingers there, I can feel him holding me down. But, after awhile just the look in his eyes had the same effect. Same look that his father could get, but mostly he pretended that nothing was going on and knew I wasn't going to make a sound or say anything. Even remembering how similar it felt (trapped, terrified and unable to move, speak or cry) when my mother would grab my arm to yell or hit me.

I didn't want to write about any of this stuff because I keep thing I'm making this up or that it is insignificant or that I've already said these things, but your message on my voice mail about the flashbacks helped.

This weekend, I keep feeling bad that I feel angry, scared and hurt that you left town. I'm not as angry as in the past and I think the check in calls and help. Not that I'm not angry, but it seems this time I feel more scared and hurt. Hurt because I feel abandoned. Really scared that you are not going to come back. Then, I feel bad. What you said on the tape and having you coffee mug helps. Also, feel bad that I'm excited that I'll see you tomorrow.

The suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, planning on purchases and wanting to cut and bruise have been really loud. However, tomorrow will be eight days without harming myself.

Observations: I still can't believe that I was working full time during all of these flashbacks. I still have them, but they are not as intense and they are more about feelings then sensations. Also, Geoffrey was only gone for the weekend and my borderline thinking always kicked in especially the fear of abandonment. It is better now, but still is a problem for me. Why in the world was I working...to prove to myself that I was okay...NOT!!