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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Feeling overwhelmed ~ Gap in Time

I'm skipping over a huge period of journaling in 2005 which is most of the month of August 2005. Going over it was too overwhelming and had a lot to do with working, my relationship with Geoffrey and my continuing to self-injure. It was getting worse and I was feeling really disconnected and fragmenting a lot to the point where everything he was saying was "critical" to me. Some of it was, but most of it wasn't.

Geoffrey had become frustrated with my increasing frequency and intensity of bruising. Sometimes, it was everyday and several times during that day. It escalated to my hitting myself from my thighs to the top of my buttocks with a wooden spoon over 200 times at a time leaving welts and bruises. At times, it would also include taking a plastic hairbrush and removing the nubs and hitting myself at least until I was bleeding all over the area and then 100 time more once the bleeding started.

Right now, I am feeling so ashamed, embarrassed and in shock that I actually am going to post this. I actually feel kind of sick from anxiety of potential reactions. The only thing that I could tell you is that I wanted to numb out, I was feeling like I was bad, and like I needed to be punished partly for talking about the sexual abuse more. It was like I really wanted to injure myself to the point of thinking of breaking a bone.

Geoffrey says that my symptoms were/are severe which matches the abuse that I describe. It makes the puzzle pieces fall into place. This is hard for me to really take hold of and admit. Which is also where I am stuck in therapy right now. I don't want to admit how bad things were or how sick my mother is because then I have to deal with that reality of it was that bad.

I feel like every part of me wants to scream, "no, it was not that bad." I'm not really sure why. I think, part of it is because I don't want to feel the pain of how bad it was growing up. After this afternoon's session, I also think that I am angry that I have to learn how to comfort myself now because my mother never did that for me. I comforted her.

I just don't really understand there is so much in my head right now that I feel like I'm spinning and really need to talk with Geoffrey, but somehow I stop myself. Today, I heard what he was saying as I wasn't doing enough and I was purposefully resisting treatment. A part of me knows that wasn't what he was saying and the BPD part is in "I'm bad," so everything is getting filtered through that. I want to curl up and die. I think, I'll take a couple of my PRNs and take a nap.

11 comments:

catatonickid said...

*big, gentle hugs*

I'm sorry you had to go through all that pain, CC - and I'm not really referring to the self-harm.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, though I can understand the shame all the same. You did what you had to do to cope with truly horrific circumstances, and the fact that you are alive today and healing is a miracle.

You are here, though and you are giving your all to a process that is far from easy.

You struggle, and yet your honesty, faith and strength are always in evidence - beyond measure sometimes. That you are able to go on even through the worst times and still find the courage to keep on fighting is amazing to me. That's something else, seriously, something to be proud of.

Clueless said...

CK,

You made me cry!! All I can muster up to say is "thank you!."

cc

Ash said...

I am so thankful for your relationship with CK. What a wonderful friend you've found!!

You are not judged here. Only embraced!

Anonymous Drifter said...

There is so much pain in this post. I can understand the self-injury. When I was young and involved in an abusive relationship I used to cut. Sometimes it's the only way we know how to deal with the pain and confusion.

Tamara said...

(((((Clueless)))))

I so respect and admire you. The way you share your darkest moments on your blog is beyond courageous. Not many of us can look at ourselves that closely and then admit what we see in public.

My T, upon hearing your story, said you were doing amazingly well to be healing from BPD the way you are. I agree.

I am so glad you did the borderline series but am very sorry that it has taken so much out of you and seems to have really stirred things up a bit too much.

Please know you are not alone and lots of people out here are inspired by your journey towards healing.

Love,
Tamara

Tempy said...

Going through all that you did, your voice was never heard and all you had was the ability to express that pain through action. You don't deserve shame, you deserve compassion and empathy and people to sit next to you and hold your hand as you learn the words to go with your pain.

You survived, and now you are healing. That deserves more than words could ever express.

Clueless said...

@ash. Yes, that has been a very supportive relationship and I am very thankful. Thank you for the embrace.

@drifter. Thank you for your understanding.

@Tamara. Thank you for the hugs. I am really glad that my blog helps others. It also helps me, but is painful. I have been having difficulty since before the BPD series. It just heightened things a bit.

@tempy. Thank you for your understanding. You really made me cry.

Mike Golch said...

Just popped in to say hellow! I'm taking a short break from my online classes. to check in with my blogging friend.
I have heard many times in my A.A. meetings that a problem shared is a problem cut into half. by shareing your pain you are giving up a part of it and healing. I know it is a long progress. I'm still healing my self.
Just remember we ale all here for you. Big Time Hugs and God's Love and blessings to you and your family, From Mine. Mike G. said that(It's anA.A.thing of mone)

Clueless said...

Thank you!!!

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Sweetie,

I understand your shame, but it is not yours to hold on to. The shame belongs to your mother, father, step-father and all the others that wounded you so deeply.

When we have been abused by who are closest to us, we learn some awful coping skills to help us survive.

We float above the sexual abuse and disassociate from the horror, losing ourselves in more ways than one. Having learned that our voice, our thoughts and our needs will be ignored, at best, we can only relieve our pain at the expense of self-hurt.

I think that you should take immense pride in yourself. You have survived incredible torture and are here today. The strength of your character shines, as you tell of your awful journey. Please be kind to yourself: You are a hero!

Dano

Clueless said...

Dano,

Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving a comment. I really appreciate what you said, but it is so hard...but, not impossible. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.

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