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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: September 1, 2005 ~ 6:30 pm ~ Remembering Pain

Geoffrey,

Last night and today especially in the morning was loud with the thinking of purchasing things and wanting to cut, bruise and burn. Last night, I played the recording that I have on the micro cassette recorder and fell asleep to it. This morning, I could not concentrate on work.

I'm feeling really disconnect right now. Feeling this way on and off today with moments of being on the verge of tears. Also, feeling anxious and a bit fearful. Feeling bad about sharing the fantasies. Keep thinking, I'm bad for having them...and then project that you thing I'm a horrible person for having them.

I feel really shut down. A lot like I did as a teenager and younger. Now, I am a bit tearful. So many different feelings...anger, rage, terror, confusion, abandonment, hurt and pain. I feel achy all over and my chest and throat hurts. Feels like I got hit in the stomach. Remember feeling kind of empty, hopeless and alone. Just seems like so many things were really painful. One of the most difficult parts is feeling hopeless and anxious and not having anyone to talk to.

I felt so alone and wanted someone just to talk to who would understand and comfort me some. Right now,I just ache all over and want to cry...tearing up. Wanted so much for someone just to care about me and how I felt. Wanted not to feel like I was bad. Wanted just to feel like I belonged and that someone wanted me. Really getting tearful now, but can't cry. I want to curl up and just cry. Wanted someone to cry with. Wanted to be listened to.

Observations: I hate the dangling participles!! As I wrote this, it reminds me of my my most current slideshow and how accurately it depicted what I just wrote. By the way, I revised it...it is the unedited director version. I used a different program to put in all the picture that I wanted.

2 comments:

Tamara said...

Clueless,

I am so very sorry that your mother was like that. So was mine. I think the most frightening part was the look of rage on her face. I really used to think of her as a monster when she got like that. As a child, we were so helpless to defend ourselves and there was no one to protect us. There was no one to tell so that we could even express the hurt feelings outside of ourselves. That part was hard, too.

Hugs,
Tamara

Clueless said...

Tamara,

I'm sorry that your mother was like that too. "That look," came from both and was terrifying. And, for me, not talking about it until I was about forty is a long time to wait. But, I'm glad a I started.

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