PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 31, 2005 ~ 6:15 pm ~ Part I

Geoffrey,

I've been thinking about what my husband told me about his conversation with my mother's husband. I am really reacting to it. Three things: (1) my mother getting angry, but not telling him for a few days and probably calling me then; (2) not being able to say anything negative when asked for his opinion; and (3) if he says anything to defend himself, when she is angry and yelling at him that it just makes her more angry and the situation worse...as he put it, "he goes to the bottom of the barrel."

Makes me tear up...really validated that things were really this way, but she has gotten a lot better, more mellow. Also, triggered memories of how she was with me, the arguments she had with my step-father or how she treats me now. Feeling sadness, fear and anger. Actually, more PRT (pain, rage, terror). Sometimes, I do these things and I feel bad about that.

My mother used to do all of the with my step-father all the time. Big difference is that he would argue too and it would escalate into their big arguments and fights. He basically needed to be right and so did she. He would say whatever he wanted and was on his mind. Sometimes, it seemed they would end up in an argument because they both needed to. Mom mother would do what her current husband said.

With me, I did more of what her husband does...I didn't say how I was feeling or what I was thinking and tried to calm her down if I said the wrong thing. Sometimes, it would be something seemingly neutral or insignificant that I would say in response or that I would initiate and she would blow up. Just as she does now with her husband. It didn't happen all the time which was worse to me as it was so unpredictable. I think I just stopped talking in these situations and didn't give my opinion. I also learned this in other situations. But, this happened frequently enough.

Thinking, she probably got angry with me because I wasn't available when she wanted to talk about being angry on vacation. Also, thinking that with the other two situations it is about mirroring. Like a child, she was wanting someone to mirror, or validate, that she was justified in being angry. She becomes angry if you don't mirror her thoughts and feelings.

I adjusted to her and really stopped giving my own thoughts or feelings. The being angry and not saying why was really bad when she did that to me. But, mostly she did this all the time with my step-father, but during those events the silent periods could last a week or more. But usually a few days, but she would verbally or physically lash our at me more frequently.

Makes me feel overwhelmed and panicky now thinking about it. I felt so trapped and like I needed to fix it which I sort of did my attending to her and trying to calm her down or keep her company often foregoing my own activities. Writing this makes me realize more that I really lost myself. Feel tearful. What her husband said really helped to validate my experience. I've been having flashbacks of being in those situations everywhere and especially on the holidays.

Observations: This really fits right in with the BPD series. I didn't time it, I just happened to be where I was in my past journals. I think it illustrates some of her BPD behavior. It makes me think and feel more of what was stirred up during it. I'm still trying to process and feeling emotional raw and vulnerable with the series. It really has taken a lot more out of me than expected. I guess, part of the problem is that I really do not want to believe that she was that sick and that growing up was that bad.