Visiting "The Old Neighborhood"

Sorry, about not getting around to comments including responding to my own and visiting blogs. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and one today plus therapy. Therapy and my other appointments are an hour from each other, so by the time I get home I usually take at least a two hour nap and I am gone most of the day. The day also starts much earlier, so I am even more wiped.

However, I am doing a bit better and thank you everyone for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. For that, I am thankful this week and always. My doing better is a mixed bag as I am doing better because I am feeling more and letting more truth into my brain. It has been quite painful and I dissociate some or fragment. It isn’t so much better as much as just different because both are painful.

Yesterday, was a good example. I had an optometry appointment for my new progressive lenses (oh, one does get older. At least, they have progressive and not bifocals. But, I am having such a hard time getting used to them.). The appointment is out in the area where my grandparents and my step-father’s parent used to live. They lived close to each other. The freeway on ramp is close to where we lived when I was in elementary school. So, I know the area very well. It is a well traveled route for me.

I’ve been out there many, many, many, many times, but never had an experience like today. My therapist says because I wasn’t all there. But, I went from feeling disconnected to really depressed, hopeless, terrified, sad, empty, pain, anger, trapped and overwhelmed. I just couldn’t wait until I got out of the area. I kept telling him that I’ve never felt this way before, but he told me that I did all the time. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel it, but now I am. I can’t imagine a child the age I was feeling like I did and having no control. At least, I had control yesterday.

So, basically I’m not feeling very well and having a rough time, but, in terms of therapy, I am doing well. I even noted for the past week that I have been letting myself cry in every session. My therapist displayed a bit of excitement when I said that. He has worked in theatre, so he can be quite expressive and funny. I still feel like I’m going back and forth between being able to express myself and not. Like yesterday, all I could say for awhile was that “I didn’t feel good, I felt awful, or It was hard.” Non-descript words that leave people guessing what it means.

I’m also having a difficult time with the increased depression, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges. One thing that is helping is when I can keep into focus that it is sort of a flashback to how I used to feel or cope and not a current feeling. Doesn’t make me feel any better, but helps me to stay grounded and not act on anything.

Everyone, thank you for sticking with me through this and leaving comments. I really appreciate it even it responding doesn’t happen in a timely manner or at all. I want to and I want to read your blogs, but I’m just not there or there inconsistently. Thank you again.

Okay, Some Words...I guess.

Okay, I have a little bit of a voice now. Besides just having a tough time in general, other things coming up feeling misunderstood, rejected by others, hopeless, terrified, panicked and overwhelmed.

The main thing in therapy has been making realizations and talking about that Monday which I blogged about in a post a couple of weeks ago. Well, I'm still trying to work through what actually happened, my feelings toward Geoffrey, and what was triggered.

Basically, I know that I really dissociated, was terrified, felt abandoned, angry, non-existent type of emptiness and overwhelmed. Along with it has come lots of suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Then, this past session did not go well. So, generally I am feeling disconnected from myself, Geoffrey and everyone or I want to push them away.

I know that I am angry because he went out of town for the weekend and I am still angry at Geoffrey which he wants me to express, but I keep stopping myself because I know that it isn't about him. He lets me know, but that is where you are now and that I can't just let myself "be."

I've been sleeping a lot as a way to numb out and taking more PRNs per my psychiatrist's suggestion. He says that I'm not taking enough and that I could have called him this past weekend when I was having difficulty.

I am just having a tough time with present feelings, flashbacks that I haven't been able to talk about, and feelings that have been triggered. And, it all starts with how I am feeling toward Geoffrey and expressing myself. Unfortunately, I have this problem of just letting my feeling be there, to stay present to them with Geoffrey or even just with myself, and expressing them that is a huge leap. Much of it is also pre-verbal which makes everything more difficult. So it is preverbal and I shut down...great combination.

Well, I need to go to my session...I'm going to try, but I am already going away...

Reality Settles Even Deeper ~ Dissociative Disorder NOS

Although the following video is about children, I think it gives a good description of how dissociative disorders develop which if left untreated continue into adulthood creating significant problems with daily living. (Plus, it was the only decent one I could find.)

First of all "dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Dissociation seems to fall on a continuum of severity. Mild dissociation would be like daydreaming, getting "lost" in a book, or when you are driving down a familiar stretch of road and realize that you do not remember the last several miles. A severe and more chronic form of dissociation is seen in the disorder Dissociative Identity Disorder, once called Multiple Personality Disorder, and other Dissociative Disorders. (Mental Health America)

Dissociative Disorder (NOS) is different from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), so please don't confuse the two. Tempy over at Crackers and Juice Boxes wrote a post where part of it was excellent on explaining the continuum. Please take a look at her post. I have provided the links and while your there take a look around.

"People who suffer a severe trauma might wrestle with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If a person experiences ongoing and severe trauma, particularly if the trauma began when the person was a young child, he might develop an even more severe dissociative disorder, with the most extreme disorder being Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Because a child is creating a way to survive severe trauma, the resulting dissociative disorder might not fall neatly into a description of DID or other pre-defined dissociative disorder. If the person's symptoms are clearly dissociative in nature but do not fall under any of the predefined criteria for DID or other dissociative disorder, the diagnosis is likely to be Dissociative Disorder--Not Otherwise Specified (DD-NOS). (e-how ~ Faith Allen)"

So, why am I bring this short description up now?. I was recently diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder-NOS which is due to a chronic and severely abusive, traumatic childhood. Since I worked in the mental health field, I knew that I have been fitting the criteria. However, I never discussed it because I didn't want to hear the answer. But, I actually saw it in two letters last week for appeals with my insurance company from both my psychiatrist and my therapist.

It surprisingly has had an impact on me. I am feeling a distressed. I think, because it indicates how horrendous things really were growing up. I understand how this develops and I never really thought of my circumstances as that bad. Although this blog has made that harder to believe. In reality, that was my own thinly veiled denial which I am coming out of and dealing with my past and my feelings in therapy. Still this made reality bigger. It is like I can't ignore it. That combined with Friday's session which I will write about tomorrow, has me really wanting to defend which I am.

Instead of using the word dissociate, I usually say, "going away" or "fragmenting" or "leaving" or "feeling disconnected." At times, I will lose touch with reality, become disoriented, lose time, not hear parts of conversations, become unresponsive, and mentally and emotionally "leave."

Writing this was difficult and has really been the first time that I have really acknowleged my "new" diagnosis. I think this was a good step for me. However, I still do not want to believe that my childhood was that bad, but I really do know. But, sometimes, I still want to pretend.