A little bit better

Hello Everybody,

For the first time since That Monday, I am doing a little better. I really don't want to share this, but I hope it will help others understand what can happen in therapy and with therapeutic impasses, where you feel like you and your therapist are in a struggle or your angry or hurt my by your therapist. I want you to know that this is normal, growth producing and that therapists aren't really perfect. Nor are they mind readers.

Since That Monday, almost a month ago, my symptoms were getting worse despite anything my therapist or I would do. I just felt angry and couldn't get over it and it just didn't feel right with him. It was like I no longer trusted him for not attending to me better on that day. I knew that I had to talk about it, but all of my defenses went up including terminating therapy. I also would become defensive to anything he would say, I mean anything. I also took everything as criticism.

I was a doing a lot of projection and transference and generally just felt ungrounded, scattered and unable to focus. I am still doing that, but not as badly. I also am still above baseline for depression, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Feeling empty, hollow and like I want to die are still there. However, the intensity of everything is better.

I knew that the only way that I was going to feel better was to talk to my therapist, but I was scared that he wouldn't be there for me or be critical. During this time period, I had two regularly scheduled session's with my psychiatrist who kept encouraging me to talk to my therapist. I feel really blessed that he actually does therapy with me and that I allow him to.

This past Tuesday really helped as I was able to say some of the things that I needed to say to my therapist. Also, I spoke with my therapist on Monday which did not go well, but he encouraged me to try to make a choice and talk to him.

So, yesterday I went to session trying to remember to just talk and not go away. Well, I got there, sat down, and said, "I don't know what to say." LOL!! Anyway, he just let me ramble and as I rambled. I made a connection between what was happening between he and I and with my mother and I. I burst into tears. I was able in my mind to keep both of us in the room and it felt like I was crying on his shoulder. I actually felt comforted. We talked about the connections with my mother.

Then, he apologized for missing me (not being aware). He explained that basically he did not realize how much That Monday effected me. He said that he put my behavior in the category of defense, but that wasn't it. I actually became disorganized and so I couldn't do what he was asking or what I was trying to do until we reconnected which is what happened yesterday.

It kicked up so much about being abandoned or ignored by my parents and that there was nothing I could do then or now especially with my mother to make her acknowledge me. All the intensity of the feelings I've been having was related to that and I know there is more. I still feel depressed, empty, hollow, suicidal, hopeless, etc. (Those are also the feeling that I had growing up, but didn't allow myself to feel.) However, it isn't as intense and I have a tiny bit of hope which feels good. The key was really focusing on telling him what I was thinking and feeing.

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up ~ Part II

I just returned from my therapy session and I feel a bit better. What I wrote and read to my therapist, I knew had a lot of transference and self-projection. [When you take a part of yourself that like for me helplessness and turn it back on yourself like feeling hopeless.]

As Geoffrey and I talked about what has been going on, he realized that neither one of understood how much I was effected by That Monday where it was so chaotic that we couldn't have a session and he was angry and focused on finding a place to meet.

It kicked up a lot of things that we haven't processed, so it kept getting pushed underground for the past three or four weeks. This is why my symptoms and my defenses kept getting worse. I'm still feeling hopeless, but it is more toward discouraged.

It is so hard just for me to "be" including just thinking and feeling. Then get to talking and that is a whole different hurdle. Part of the impass with therapy is that I'll revert to six months and not have any language to explain what is going on or I might use vague words. And, I withdraw more and more and feel intensely, but am not able to express it except by acting it out usually by just shutting down.

Bottom like is that I am not as overwhelmed, hopeless, suicidal, depressed, angry and empty feeling. Some of it is a flashback and another part is self-projection. Either way, it is painful, but I feel like I have a better handle off it, but still feeling vulnerable and just on that edge. Tomorrow will be just a nice day with my husband and I see my therapist on Friday. All those feelings...realizing how young I was when I first felt them...how sad.

Finally, able to talk and it isn't pretty!!

Commentary: I wrote the following yesterday morning before my session as a tool to help me just express what I was feeling toward Geoffrey. He kept telling me just to say what ever I was feeling and thinking about him. This proved to be very helpful in keeping focused and not dissociating so much in session. However, my ambivalence was extremely high as was my anxiety. Thank God for PRNs.

Geoffrey,

I feel really disconnected right now. But, yesterday I know that I was angry with you and have been. It has been difficult in that I keep stopping myself with knowing that most of it has nothing to do with you and with not wanting to just be…feel anything about you. Since that Monday, I feel like I left a big part of me there. I wonder, if I can just let go if I just write because I don’t feel like I can actually talk and this may help.

There is a part of me that just wants to yell “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” It was a mistake to trust you on Monday because I ended up just getting hurt. I’m angry that you took some of your frustration out on me. I’m angry at you because you hurt my feelings. I’m angry that you made me feel like I didn’t exist. I’m angry that I felt like I didn’t matter to you. I’m angry that I felt so missed like you didn’t care about how I was doing. I’m angry at you for not picking up that I was in so much distress and had dissociated so much. I’m angry with me that I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know until a week later that I was angry and hurt. I hate you for hurting my feelings and not being aware of my needs. I’m really angry that you directed your anger at me. You really hurt my feelings. I felt like you didn’t want to be with me.

I’m still angry at myself that I went away so much. To the point that I couldn’t tell you what was going on because I didn’t know. I still don’t know some of what happened. I really hate that. I am angry that you can’t fill in the blanks. I’m angry that I still need to talk about how I feel about you and that I can’t even move on to what I know was triggered as flashbacks. I felt like I was in a minefield with something ready to go off at any moment.

I’m angry with you because it doesn’t seem to matter to you that it was difficult last week with realizing what happened. I’m angry that you said my delay in the hypervigilance was an indication of how bad it was and how damaged I am. I’m angry that it impacts everything in my life and employment. I’m angry that you said that the level of panic I felt is my baseline even though I know it is true. I didn’t want to hear it. I am angry that I felt like you didn’t notice how overwhelmed I felt. I’m angry that you triggered my feeling the “I don’t exist” emptiness and being alone.

I’m angry that you didn’t tell me earlier that you would be gone this past weekend knowing that all this new stuff was on the surface. I’m angry that you just left me and didn’t seem to care about the place that I was in.

I hate you for how awful you made me feel on this past Monday. I’m angry that you didn’t share at least a little of your trip with me like you usually do. You made me feel shut out. And, then I felt your frustration with the return trip and it felt like it didn’t matter to you how was doing over the weekend.

I had a horrible weekend and just tried to sleep most of the time. I felt disconnected from me and you. I am angry with the way you handled the session because you made me feel even more disconnected and angry. I really wanted to tell you about the flashback, trying not to feel what was kicked up last week, that the suicidal thoughts got scary and that I was feeling more and more hopeless since that Monday.

I feel like I just hate you for being unattuned to where I’ve been, directing your anger/frustration at me, leaving, trying to make me angry, not seeming to care about last week, not taking into account my weekend before you started pushing, not noticing that I really went away on that Monday and for hurting my feelings so much in the past couple of weeks. I hate that you can hurt my feelings. I feel like screaming that you don’t care.

Commentary: This lead into that this is the way I felt with my mother when she would become angry or frustrated and that I could not say anything even though there was a lot in my head. I knew that it triggered things with my mother, but didn't know how painfully deep it went. I didn't realize how much anger, sadness and pain was there.

I am continuing to feel more depressed and hopeless and the suicidal thoughts, planning and wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm more disturbed by my increasing depression and hopelessness. I think, that some has to do with this is the way I felt and that it is my reaction whenever, I speak up. Geoffrey has also purposefully not helped me to feel better as he wants me to stay with my feelings, so I know today might be better as he won't let me go into the weekend feeling this badly without feeling his support. I really just want to crawl into a corner and die. He did tell me that I did a good job yesterday and worked hard.

Therapy sessions ~ Fragmenting, anger, making connections and feeling better!

I had a therapy session on Monday and afterward was worse in terms of my depression, fragmenting, suicidal thoughts, etc. I was having difficulty staying present, tracking conversations, was hesitant in my speech, halted in mid-sentence and was indirect. This is what I usually do when I am fragmenting or disconnected from myself. I was also over-reacting to situations. I could not understand what was going on only that I was really angry at Geoffrey, so the morning of the session, I wrote this letter which I read to him. Information in [brackets] is additional commentary or explanation written on the same day. Come and read how crazy my head can be and also how I was able to turn it around and feel better by reading this and making connections on Wednesday's session.


Wednesday ~ September 10, 2008 ~ 9:13 AM

Geoffrey,

I know that I’ve been fragmenting since Monday. Actually, for a long while now. Which I know is partly why I am angry with you and I know that there is a lot of transference and projection going on. Even so, I am angry. I’m angry at you that the letter for the appeal was not completed in time and that I kept forgetting to prompt you. I’m angry that I had to prompt you. I feel resentful that I called the insurance company instead of you even though it is my responsibility. I’m angry that I don’t trust that you faxed it Tuesday as you said you would I’m angry that I am filling out my own bills because otherwise, I feel like I’d never get them. I’m angry that your answering machine keeps getting filled and I keep getting cut off. But, then I realize that I’ve been cut off four times in the last three weeks and that means I’ve been calling a lot, so I feel bad. I understand that you have had a lot going on with your mom and other personal stuff and I am sorry for that. The paperwork is a lot like my mother not following through for me with stuff like that growing up.

[My therapist generally does not complete most insurance forms and does not deal with insurance which is an agreement known at the beginning. However, in my case he decided that he wanted to help me, but I need the letter by 180 days which was Tuesday. He is horrible when it comes to stuff like that and I’ve always known it. I brought up whether or not he wanted to continue with this arrangement and he said that he did and apologized for not meeting the deadline. I also called him three times since our session on Monday to leave a message because I was not doing very well.

Although the situation with Geoffrey was frustrating, the amount of anger was out of proportion to what I was feeling. This morning I realized that it was triggering stuff with my mother. When I was in school, I used to leave papers for her to complete for school. When she hadn’t completed by the time I went to bed, I would remind her that I had to bring them to school the following morning. My step-father couldn’t sign them and my mother would leave for work without completing them. It left me feeling embarrased and with the teachers asking me uncomfortable questions…at the time, divorce was not as common. In fact, all through school I didn’t have any friends whose parents were divorced. I also cried in session remembering how I felt.

Last week, via the Internet I found out some personal about him that I will not share with you, but it made me feel like he really understood what I was going through and we talked about it and I felt closer and more trusting. Today, I asked him a couple of personal questions. The first one he answered and the second one he did not. I immediately felt bad and started to cry…I knew, it triggered something. I really cried.]

I did not like that I found out via the internet. I really would have liked you to have said something. I also know that it was my responsibility to ask. It feels like how I used to try and piece things together with what little resources I had. But, I also feel like I always felt in asking anything personal about my mother or my father. My mother would just become angry and start yelling at me. The worst time I remember was when I asked if she was married to my step-father. It was for a class assignment, but she started yelling, screaming and slapped me telling me that was personal and none of my business. Then, they started arguing and both started yelling at me. It was a horrible day. I felt so bad and like I should have known the answer. I was so confused.

I am also angry with myself because I keep getting stuck by not talking about what I’m writing on my blog and the flashbacks. Also, angry with myself because I keep getting stuck with crying. I’ve been wanting to ask you if I could have an extra hour, maybe next week. Meaning having two 90 minute sessions because I think it would help to get unstuck. But, then I think what if it doesn’t work then, I’ve wasted both of our time. I also am wondering when we can have a joint session with my husband to watch and talk about the slideshow, but I’ve been afraid to ask…I know I’m fragmenting. I’m angry that I keep doing that. [I asked him directly for both and we scheduled the to longer sessions and will schedule one with my husband.]

Because I am fragmenting, I am having much more difficulty with you taking vacation. I feel much more abandoned. I guess, it is intensified too because that is some of what I need to talk and cry about. I did talk with my psychiatrist yesterday and asked if I could see him the week that you are mostly away because that is not my normal week to see him. So, we arranged a session for Thursday. I did tell him about my increased depression, suicidality, sleeping more and fragmentation. He said that it was like I was going into hibernation, so I didn’t have to deal with the issues in therapy. He basically said that medication is not going to help, but that I need to work it through my therapy. I know that he is right. I know part of my anger toward you is about my being angry with myself and with my mother.

My psychiatrist also, at my request, showed me his appeal letter. I pointed out a few typos. He made me sound a bit worse off than I am which was necessary, but it also sank in a little more how severe my symptoms and my abuse really are. His diagnosis didn’t include borderline personality disorder, but did include Dissociative Disorder which wasn’t really a surprise to me, but to actually see it on paper was difficult because it is an indication of my symptoms and of my abuse. I think, that made me fragment more and I became more tearful, sad and angry. I wondered about your diagnosis of me as it helps me put things into perspective and context. [My therapist said, the same with PTSD, major depression. But, he adds borderline and does not include dissociative disorder NOS although I have symptoms.]

So, I actually have some questions in here. I am also feeling more focused and feel like I can be more present today with you. But, I am so scared. I also think that feeling closer to you last week scared me and now I’m trying to push away. All of a sudden I just want to cry. I’m glad I wrote this out. It helped me to clarify some things and make some connections.

[Overall, it was a really good session. First time in a long time, that I felt better afterward. I was able to really process and really felt proud of myself. I was able to say what I needed to, he took responsibility where necessary. However, most of it was my own issues and I was able to recognize it and express my emotions over what past issues the current ones triggered. I knew from the beginning that only a small fraction had to to with Geoffrey, but he was safer than having to deal with my past. Great session, but extremely difficult.]