PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Part I of IV

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

[My parents divorced when I was about 3 years old and I saw him sporadically until about 5th grade. I never knew where he lived, had his telephone number or a picture even though I asked for a picture and the information. There were many last minute cancellations and broken promises. I last had contact with him in 1983. I do not know how to contact him, nor do I want to do so.]

The "slideshow" [of flashbacks in my head] has been really disturbing feels like I can't get away from it. It started at the end of the session and has continued to be intrusive. I didn't sleep well last night. Felt really edgy and panicked. Had nightmares and flashbacks all night. Sometimes, I think I've talk about my father enough, but I guess not.

Some of what I remember are things that I've already talked about. Other flashbacks are just the general feeling of being scared, angry and hurt. Feeling like I'm going to die.

Sort of feels like he picked on me whenever, I was with him. But, there were pleasant times too, but generally, I was at the very least apprehensive. One of the last activities was kite flying at the beach. He knew I liked Snoopy and took me shopping. But, it always felt like he was just trying to make it up to me or buy me.

I keep thinking that his being strict wasn't that bad. But, I do remember feeling like I had to do things perfectly for him or he would get angry. Remember, sometimes feeling like he didn't want to see me because I made him angry with me and that's why he didn't come back.

Remember, that when I was younger that he would slap me and grab my arm and would yell and lecture me and tell my that my mother wasn't raising me right. When I was older all he needed to do was to raise his voice or scold me. Either way, I was really scared of him and wanted to be with him. But, didn't want to be with him. I was really afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. He seemed so big to me and his hand seemed enormous especially when he would slap or grab my arm.

Sometimes, he would lecture me about what seemed odd to me at the time. He lectured me about wearing my seat belt which if he knew me, it was something I always wore and would tell my mother to wear hers. He also lectured me about not smoking cigarettes or marijuana. I was in elementary school and remember thinking that I would never do that because I hated both and didn't like it especially when my mother would smoke or smelling it at my step-father's parent's home. He also lectured me of the dangers of hitchhiking. I remember, thinking why are you telling me this. It is something I would never consider doing....

....to be continued tomorrow.