Traumatized ~ Abandoned, Alone & Disconnected

(Written Sunday, November 9, 2008)

I have been having a very difficult time, so I am sorry that I haven't been consistent in reading blogs or leaving comments or responding to my own. Some days, I can and other days I can't. I'm glad that I post ahead of time because, at least, that stays up to the past date. :-) (I hope that made sense.)

Initially, I was having difficulty with talking about my eating disorder, but Monday changed all that. I was anxious to talk on Monday as I was having flashbacks related to my dental appointment that afternoon. However, I was never able to talk about it all week.

I was basically traumatized Monday which my therapist pointed out on Thursday and made me repeat on the telephone today. When I arrived, there were two very large male workers in the adjacent suite basically tearing everything out and using very large machines that were very loud as were there voices.

My therapist and I decided to go to the patio, but no one had the keys. Not even the manager who neglected to tell him that the work was going to be done. I could tell that my therapist was angry. The ladies went to a different building to leave us alone, but I just kept watching traffic and somewhere along the way I dissociated and was in and out. I was scared of the men, the noise, the women and my therapist.

My therapist was angry and he was not very patient with me and took some of his frustration out on me which left me feeling abandoned and alone and unsafe. He later really apologized. To top it off we were under the fire alarm which the workers set off. My coffee when flying and I just started to tremble and went outside as all this commotion commenced.

After that was over, we still tried to talk in the lobby, but the two women stayed in the building loud enough to be heard and I didn't feel safe. We finally gave up as my only focus was trying to remain present, but for what? It was a disaster.

Well, I just kept feeling more abandoned, alone, unsafe and disconnected as the week went on and through the weekend. Today (Sunday), I spoke with my therapist and realized that Monday was really traumatic and I was reacting to everything and I'm just realizing it now. This isn't even mentioning the flashbacks that it triggered that I was unaware of at the time.

I'm beginning to put the pieces together, but remain somewhat withdrawn. I was really scared and am now just beginning to process it. As a result, I've been having a difficult time with everything because I keep going away. (Oh, did I mention I had a dental exam that afternoon...I won't even write about it.) I feel numb now, so I'll stop.