Feeling overwhelmed ~ Gap in Time

I'm skipping over a huge period of journaling in 2005 which is most of the month of August 2005. Going over it was too overwhelming and had a lot to do with working, my relationship with Geoffrey and my continuing to self-injure. It was getting worse and I was feeling really disconnected and fragmenting a lot to the point where everything he was saying was "critical" to me. Some of it was, but most of it wasn't.

Geoffrey had become frustrated with my increasing frequency and intensity of bruising. Sometimes, it was everyday and several times during that day. It escalated to my hitting myself from my thighs to the top of my buttocks with a wooden spoon over 200 times at a time leaving welts and bruises. At times, it would also include taking a plastic hairbrush and removing the nubs and hitting myself at least until I was bleeding all over the area and then 100 time more once the bleeding started.

Right now, I am feeling so ashamed, embarrassed and in shock that I actually am going to post this. I actually feel kind of sick from anxiety of potential reactions. The only thing that I could tell you is that I wanted to numb out, I was feeling like I was bad, and like I needed to be punished partly for talking about the sexual abuse more. It was like I really wanted to injure myself to the point of thinking of breaking a bone.

Geoffrey says that my symptoms were/are severe which matches the abuse that I describe. It makes the puzzle pieces fall into place. This is hard for me to really take hold of and admit. Which is also where I am stuck in therapy right now. I don't want to admit how bad things were or how sick my mother is because then I have to deal with that reality of it was that bad.

I feel like every part of me wants to scream, "no, it was not that bad." I'm not really sure why. I think, part of it is because I don't want to feel the pain of how bad it was growing up. After this afternoon's session, I also think that I am angry that I have to learn how to comfort myself now because my mother never did that for me. I comforted her.

I just don't really understand there is so much in my head right now that I feel like I'm spinning and really need to talk with Geoffrey, but somehow I stop myself. Today, I heard what he was saying as I wasn't doing enough and I was purposefully resisting treatment. A part of me knows that wasn't what he was saying and the BPD part is in "I'm bad," so everything is getting filtered through that. I want to curl up and die. I think, I'll take a couple of my PRNs and take a nap.

Past Journal Entry: July 22, 2005 ~ 6:00 pm

Geoffrey,

I haven't been feeling very good since last night. I was really feeling bad and felt like when I got in my car that I detached and just went away. Felt like that when I got home which is why, I think, I pushed my husband away. Also, why I didn't leave too many messages with you ...not that I didn't thing to do so. However, at work, it was a little difficult as I had a two-hour meeting in the morning at the office.

I've felt buzzy and been having trouble staying present even during my afternoon meeting. I've been feeling really bad and kind of sensitive to everything. Feel like I've just been going away. The thoughts have been loud too. Really, really want to bruise. Having flashbacks too. Feel like crying.

I remember how bad I felt all the time and confused and scared. I wish I could stop seeing my step-father or my mother's face when they were angry. I was so scared. I sometimes feel my mother grabbing my right arm to get my attention or to slap me. She grabbed really hard. Sometimes, I can feel him grabbing my left arm to yell at me. Sometimes, I can hear them yelling at each other or at me and how scared I was and how my stomach hurt and how much I just wanted to cry.

And, I keep having flashes of the whole Barbie thing, including the physical sensations, how much it hurt, how terrified I was, how angry I was at both of them, how painful it was that no one listened to me, how bad I felt, how confused and how much I wanted to cry, but didn't.

Just the look in his eyes scared me. I wasn't sure how much he was going to do because he seemed so out of control and so angry with me. I remember dreading my mother coming home because at that point, I think, I had already given up hope that she would listen to me. She listened to what he said and that was it...she always believed whatever he said, so he set me up sometimes. I can feel myself going away right now.

Felt like everyone was so angry all the time. I guess they were. The look he had in his eyes was the same look he had when we were at his parents in his bedroom. By then, I really knew not to make a sound especially cry. It was the same look that he would get when he would scream at me. My chest and stomach really hurt. I really want to just disappear...make it all go away.

There is also a small part that wants to talk to you and not carry it on my own. There is also a part that says, not to talk because I already have talked about this stuff. I really was scared all the time of him and of my mother. I'm tearing up a little.

Observations: I am back to work after taking time off and continuing to have greater difficulties despite the increased medications. I felt like I was barely holding it together, but felt like I had to...it was like I couldn't lose control over work too. Work and school were always two places that I excelled and I kept thinking I'll get caught up which, under normal circumstances, I could have.

In actuality, I was having greater and greater difficulties at the time being present and focusing. I was still seeing Geoffrey, I think, five times a week. Yesterday, I was talking with a friend who was also a coworker, but left before this time. She is one of the few people that know about this blog. We are alot alike and she asked me, "What the hell were you working for? Your ass should have been out of there!" I told her that in writing my blog that I realize that I should not have been working or functioning at the level that I was. Then she said, "You had to keep it together at work for you." Looking at it now, I think it was a pretty unwise decision, but I don't think it would change my actions. Thing is no one at work really knew. Oh, I was also rapidly losing weight which was being monitored and people began to make comments at work.

From 2004 to 2005

Yes, I'm skipping over a year. Briefly, that year was filled with lots of family emergencies and continued intense, intrusive flashbacks, continued lack of sleep, continued therapy 4-5 days per week and more and more memories that I did not write down at the time, but I remember. Beginning to have difficulty focusing on work now as I am feeling overwhelmed, panicked and awful everyday. I did not have any other words to explain it. Oh and due to the nature of the sexual abuse my husband began sleeping in a different bedroom, so that I felt safer.