Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005

Possibly Triggering ~ violent content

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005

Part of the purpose of this blog was to share past entries from my journal and add my current perspective. Well, between my health problems, my dealing with mental illness and three hospitalizations, I was side tracked. Today, I thought that I would go back to sharing my journal entries. The last one I wrote was in January and the journal entry was for December 22, 2005. I was having difficulty with flashbacks and thoughts of suicide, self-injury and violent fantasies. Remember that my journal entries are addressed to my therapist, Geoffrey. Today I'll start with December 23, 2005...

Geoffrey,

Last evening and this morning were not as loud (with the thoughts of suicide and self-injury) because we were busy. However, the first thought when I woke up was stabbing my thigh with a knife. I woke up at 4 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I kept having nightmares and flashbacks all night, but was able to fall back to sleep.

Like I said to you yesterday, what I wanted to do and the images, I'm having are really horrible as they are so bloody. I used to imagine just taking the screwdriver (which was used to sexually abuse me) when my step-father was on top of me in the van and stabbing him and that his blood would be all over and that his blood would be all over the pads on the floor, the walls, the seats and me...I just wanted to repeatedly stab him until after he was dead. (I was wanting enraged and wanted to hurt him with the things that he hurt me with.)

When we were in the apartment, I remember, thinking about taking a kitchen knife and in the morning after my mother left, standing on the bed and with all my force stabbing him repeatedly until he was dead and blood was everywhere.I also remember thinking of stabbing myself in the leg or stomach hoping that I would die. (Again, an expression of anger and self-protection

When I was a teenager, it progressed to using the chef's knife (which was used to threaten me), but first drugging both my mother and step-father. Sometimes, it would be just my step-father, sometimes it would be both. But, every time ended in my killing myself.

I realized this week that , I stared bruising myself when my father was around, but then I would hit myself in the legs with my fists. When my step-father came around, I still used my fists, but also started to use objects and burning my fingers. (I was angry at myself and others, but had no outward way of safely expressing it. Also, at a very young age, I felt like I was "bad" and needed to be punished.)

Everything got worse and more self-injurious as I became older I was cutting or scratching sometimes drawing blood. The bruising progressed to almost daily during the summer. Most of the time, I was hurting myself without even knowing how I go there. (I was disassociating)

I think it was a way I could express my anger and pain. It was also a pain that I could control. Feeling bad or at fault for the things that happened. (meaning my abuse)

There is more for this entry, but this is enough for today. I have more insight to share, but I will do that when I finish this day. Remember that this is a Past Journal Entry from 2005.

To be continued...