Past Journal Entry: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06

This begins a series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. My therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much.

Geoffrey,

I am having a really tough time and I haven't been able to journal. I've either been too tired or I haven't been home. Feels like my emotions are all over the place. Feeling really angry, really hurt, abandoned, confused, bad. I'm wanting to scream and really hurt myself. Feeling like I don't matter...making everyone not exist. (due to anger for feeling abandoned and if no one exist, neither do I...borderline trait.)

Wednesday night, I was able to finally sleep without any nightmares. However, last night, was difficult because I kept having nightmares of getting spanked or slapped of generally just feeling trapped and scared. (My therapist and I had been discussing some of what my mother did, so I was having nightmares and flashbacks.)

I'm glad that you were able to call me back on Tuesday. I don't know what really happened, except I became scared when my husband got frustrated and stressed out with the drive to the mall and I didn't respond to my trying to help him calm down. I became really scared, thought he was angry at me when he slammed to car door saying he was going for a walk. (this was quite uncharacteristic of him) I sat there for awhile, then I walked through the parking lot making cars stop and then through the mall to the other side.

I was really angry and and just sat on a bench with my knees and just rocking. I briefly went to the restroom and warmed up. I knew he was angry because he had left the car for more than one hour and hadn't called me, so I was afraid to call him. He did call, but I wasn't interactive. Eventually, we talked and he said that he was never angry with me. We were able to do some shopping after that. (During this whole time, I was really fragmenting because I didn't know what to do with my anger which was mainly due to my anger with my therapist being away. I also knew that my husband was angry, but was not admitting it.)

Wednesday morning was really bad. I wanted to go to the bank early, but we both got up late. When I was ready to go, he wasn't. I became angry and left to the bank without him. Felt band and felt even worse that I had forgot to transfer funds two to three weeks ago, so I went into overdraft protection. And, I just became angrier, but was ready to go shopping and run errands as planned. What I told was that I was going to the bank without him.

When I came home and parked the car and left saying, he was going to the post office, so I figured he was angry with me as he was going in the same direction that we had planned to go and that I had already parked the car. I went into the house and got things together and into warmer clothing as it was slightly raining. When he came home, we argued and I left without him...I scared myself as I was driving too fast especially on turns as I slid. I went to the Hallmark store and he called apologizing and admitted that he was angry with me. I came home and we ran errand and had a good time shopping. I still was feeling bad and really wanting to cut. I felt bad because he didn't want to be with me.

(Besides the anger, I was feeling bad, so I set things up to make me feel worse...borderline trait again.)

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....