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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Putting Myself Out There=Risk!!!

I realize that when I decided to blog that I was putting myself out there to receive all sorts of comments especially with this blog as it is so personal. I received such positive responses that I ventured further into social networks and had mixed responses. But, none that really bothered me more than irritated me with cliche's of advise or one's where you wonder, "What are they responding to?" Or, "What planet are they from?"

So, I began to venture further and found myself being in discussions and heated debates on all sorts of topics including mental health. I was fine with that. In fact, I was proud of being able to stand my ground and clearly state my different point of view.

Then, that began to turn ugly and became direct attacks and digs on me personally. Some days, I can handle it without a problem and like it. Other times, when I am not in a good place it can be crushing and I can't crawl out of the "I am bad" hole. I feel attacks coming from inside and outside.

And, there are unwanted changes on some of the sites that make me feel like I don't fit in which triggers that "I've never fit in and nobody wants me unless I change." Sorry to be vague. Well, I have decided that I am only going to stay where I feel like I can be me and where it is still fun or helpful for me.

I feel like I'm standing on unsolid ground because I can't really figure out what it is that I want. I do know that right now things are in transition and I feel like I'm on the ground trying to stand up in the middle of an earthquake. Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself. If you do happen to find me, please send to my home. Postage, shipping, handling and insurance will be reimbursed.


Anonymous said...

CC--I have to say, I love your humor. And I can also relate to your humor--because no matter where I have been--as far down as I have gotten--I always managed to keep my sense of humor and I can honestly say that has saved me more than anything.

CC--none of us can give a person advice, really--we can only state what our own experiencs are. From my experiences, I no longer do things that make me uncomfortable or unhappy--at least not purposely.

The electronic format can lead to communication problems--because (as you wrote in the GSTF post) you lost facial and body expression, vocal intonation, etc when you are behind the screen of anonymity that the Internet provides. Sometimes I find it necessary to take a break from Facebook (or even my blog)--and if you do decide to do that, don't be hard on yourself!

These days, I try very hard to simply listen to my heart--because my heart RARELY ever leads me down the wrong path.

Take care--


jeff said...

comments are strange sometimes. I have often toyed with disabling them at times. but then, there are comments that come from some that are so encouraging and they are responsible for the reason I haven't deleted my blog. Tempted many times. Recently I received one that shook me to my foundations. Mostly because I posted a thought quickly and didn't really get my point across. And what was upsetting to me was it was a criticism based on not understanding what I really was trying to say. I ended up deleting the post, comments and all and then a few other posts that I thought would be taken the wrong way. Perhaps one of the reasons I have taken to expressing myself in paint is because I am more critical of how I say things that way than anyone else could be. I know I don't know the specifics of what you are referring to in this post, but thought I would share the struggle I have with some comments on blogging. I'm still not sure why I even blog. It almost seems like it's not my idea. But I know that your blog changed some very important aspects of my life as I've shared with you. So I wanted to say thanks again for your courage to hang it out there for as long as you are able.

Anonymous said...

Online networks can be very intense. Sometimes you have to switch off your computer and get into real life again before you can put it in perspective.

Take care, pet. Sending you nothing but good thoughts x

kw said...

Oh that is just a huge shame that this has happened to you. It is incredible how cowards will hide behind the web and lash out at those beyond.

If you apply Zen to archery, you don't aim for the bullseye. Rather, you work on how you shoot the arrow, as it will then meet it's target.

Feeling lost may be uncomfortable, but this is where you can work on your "arrow". It will fly straight and true if you pay attention to your posture, your mind, your stance and your "bow".

In losing ourselves, we let in other options and opportunities. If we believe we know ourselves and our journey, we will remain in a cul-de-sac.

Blessings on you, you brave and extraordinary soul. Countless regard you in only the highest regard. As to the others? They may be in even more pain than you are.

But, Fuck Them Anyway!

Anonymous said...

I just want to tell you that out of all the blogs I read I admire yours the most. You have been through things I can't even imagine and your strength is incredible. I wish I could meet you. Please, please don't let people bring you down. You are wonderful. Believe it

Anonymous said...

I think I saw you... your heart at least... beating loud and strong and with kindness and love. Being caring towards those also going through troubled times.

In fact, I know I did.

And you do too, somewhere.

You're doing the right thing, withdrawing from environments that aren't supportive. You need your energy for taking care of yourself and trying to remain as expressive as you can. Because keeping that going is what counts.

You're definitely far from bad. You're most definitely wanted and you fit in as you are. xo

Van said...

Hey CC! I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time with people who come to comment (I've had the same).

But I am guessing there are a large number the blogging community that do support you... myself included.... sure, one negative can really hurt tho.

Out of Curiosity, can you turn the comments off post by post? You may want to look into that as an option.


Psych Client said...

Hi, I recently found your blog and love it :) It is a risk putting ourselves out here in "blog land" and I'm glad you are taking that risk.

I've learned a lot already...keep it going!

Clueless said...

@Melinda. Thank you...my humor has saved me as well. Listening to my heart is an important thing that I need to remember to do...it is truthful.

Clueless said...

@jeff. Instead of getting rid of everything why don't you just delete the one comment which is what I do all the time. Thank you for sharing. Most of the stuff is on social networks where I don't have control about deleting.

@letters from exile. "Real life." I thought this was real life. :-) Perspective, yes. Thank you for the encouragement.

@Dano. Oh thank you for the beautiful encouraging prose punctuated by "Fuck Them." LOL!!!!

@SWQ. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to visit around much, but I really appreciate your continued encouragement. For some reason, what you wrote really hit the spot.

@svasti. Oh, you made me want to burst into tears and just cry in your arms. Thank you so much...you really touched my heart.

@van. Yes, you can, but it is on the social networks which I have no control over where this is occurring.

@Psych Client. Thank you for visiting and I'm glad that you like it. Just curious, how did you locate me?

Immi said...

CC, girl, figure out what you want and head that direction. Or if that's too much (often is for me lol), figure out what you don't want and head the other direction.
Oops! Bloody advice. Oh well.
At any rate, it is hell being out there on the web many times. People often seem to throw away what little common sense and compassion they have and act like real buttheads. I haven't seen a lot of that in the mh blogs so far, but that's probably in large part because I stay neutral and walk away when it starts to get the least bit ugly. I haven't yet found anything worth tearing myself up over in an online free for all, especially since it's something I likely can't do anything about anyway.
If any environment (particularly online) is negative for you, ditch it. More advice, hell's bells. But I tend to think that taking care of you is a good thing. :)
My three cents worth. Pitch what doesn't work for you.

Clueless said...

Immi, I just love you!!! I am taking care of myself that is part of my problem see today's post. :-)

Anonymous said...

I agree, whole heartedly, and feel the same a lot.

I think perhaps there's something in the air right now--

It seems there have been a lot of people feeling vulnerable to what we put out there into the mostly-anonymous world of blogs or online communities.

Maybe it's because there are a lot more people lashing out due to their sense of security behind a pseudonym combined with the stress of the holidays and new year.

I dunno. Some people are really sucky and lame. But there are several gems out there (you're one of them) who make it totally worth the time.

Clueless said...

@Ash..yes, I agree.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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