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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

What Do You Want?

Actually, this post would be better titled, "What do I want?" But, that sounded better. I just returned from therapy and I'm having a really difficult time with the fragmenting, depression, feeling bad and the self-hatred. I'm so sensitive to everything people say or do and I am projecting like crazy.

Why? Well, that is one of my problems, silly!!! It all has to do with what I've written about my experiences on the Internet in which I cannot be specific.

But, bottom line is that I identified areas in which I was not happy, expressed that and asserted what I wanted. However, to try to get me to own what I actually want is a difficult thing to do because I often times can't identify it and when I do I make me and the want bad which is about my self-hatred. Hence, my increased symptoms.

So, the big question thing I am left with today is focusing on what I want. Not an easy thing to do when it becomes bad before I even think it, so it never comes. Or, my mind is totally blank or foggy. So, the real title is "What do I want." See I can't even own that. Can I just let it be without judgement, rules or condemnation? This is painful and tough work...anyone what to trade places?


April_optimist said...

Is it possible that you were conditioned it was bad or selfish to be happy? If so, maybe it would help to know that studies show people who are happy are more likely to be kind and generous to others. So....to be a good and loving person, the best thing you can do is be happy and let yourself enjoy the things you like.

(My apologies if I've totally misunderstood what you wrote. Nor am I trying to say it's easy to be happy for us survivors just that if you're holding yourself back because you think it's somehow bad to be happy...well....there's another way to look at it.)

Anonymous said...


I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much recently. The one thing I can say is that you have a lot of awareness. You know you are projecting--you know your self-beliefs are not good right now. You know! This is huge, really--because part of the recovery process is becoming aware of those pitfalls we find ourselves in, which I feel you are doing, my friend.



Clueless said...

@April. No, the problem is that I internalized that I am bad and don't deserve to live.

No, by the study that you quoted it would be that being kind and generous increases happiness.

Sorry, if I stepped on your toes.

@Melinda. Then, I use knowing against me because then I should be able to stop and when I'm not fragmenting, I know that isn't true...Arg!! I am so glad that my therapist really understands me and the process. I know, I'm making progress, but that means I just feel awful. Some help my therapist is...he smiles or says happily, "yes." In a loving manner, of course. Where did I find this guy and why did I stay? I'm glad that I did.

April_optimist said...

Well, actually there ARE studies that show being kind and generous make one happy but there are also studies where they did first get people in a happy mood and then observe how they behaved toward other people and those who were first encouraged to feel happy were more likely to loan others money or do them a favor.

Aren't people fascinating?

Immi said...

The symptoms suck, and it's a pisser that you have to deal with that while also trying to deal with the main issue. You're getting through it, though, little piece by little piece, and that's great to see. Been there too much myself to have any naievete about how awful it is. And I'm pretty sure I'll be there again sometime. But just seeing it outside makes me feel less alone and more human, even when I'm not at the moment in the middle of it myself. Courage girl, you've got it. Thanks for sharing it.

Anonymous said...

I can't trade places, but I am happy to hold your hand!!

Clueless said...

@April. I find people facinating all the time.

@Immi. Thank you and yes, it sucks, but I know it is for the better. It still sucks though!!!

@Ash. That would be great!!

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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