What Do You Want?

Actually, this post would be better titled, "What do I want?" But, that sounded better. I just returned from therapy and I'm having a really difficult time with the fragmenting, depression, feeling bad and the self-hatred. I'm so sensitive to everything people say or do and I am projecting like crazy.

Why? Well, that is one of my problems, silly!!! It all has to do with what I've written about my experiences on the Internet in which I cannot be specific.

But, bottom line is that I identified areas in which I was not happy, expressed that and asserted what I wanted. However, to try to get me to own what I actually want is a difficult thing to do because I often times can't identify it and when I do I make me and the want bad which is about my self-hatred. Hence, my increased symptoms.

So, the big question thing I am left with today is focusing on what I want. Not an easy thing to do when it becomes bad before I even think it, so it never comes. Or, my mind is totally blank or foggy. So, the real title is "What do I want." See I can't even own that. Can I just let it be without judgement, rules or condemnation? This is painful and tough work...anyone what to trade places?

Where am I? Borderlineville? The Castle?

It has been a really tough few weeks. I feel good that I spoke up and took care of myself. But, what I am left with is processing what was triggered and facing the reality of who my mother is and her responsibility in my whole complicated system of "I'm bad."

This is why my reaction didn't match the circumstances and why there were increased in my hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, urges to self-harm and depression. The best I can describe it is that in what occurred I feel like "I'm bad" and if the response of the other person isn't what I want/need they put me in a position of "being bad."

Whenever, this situation is created I fragment or begin to dissociate. It recreates what it was like for me as an infant. This type of dynamic is formed between 0-3 years old. An infant puts out a need, it is not met; conclusion, "I'm bad." Obviously, on a precognitive and preverbal level which is why I can't words because I end up merging with that helpless infant with no way out which is also the reason for depression at that age.

Beginning to feel the feelings and remember certain instances of feeling this way even as an adult. It actually is very sad. The only way to resolve it really is to let my therapist in to help, but it is something that is only unlocked from the inside of the castle that is extremely well defended and complex inside.

Really, quite exhausting, confusing, intense and well defended. I just don't seem to want to talk about really. As expected defensive depression, self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts are increased. But, it is either a flashback type or a defense, so as long as I keep that in perspective I'm okay. Still I don't feel good, but I am okay.

It is riding it out, working it through, allowing support and just letting it hurt and for me to be angry....and talking!! I don't know if I made any sense. Thank you for letting me be silent and to ramble because extending outward is exhausting. I really, really appreciate all the support...I still need it. Everything feels in turmoil inside. Therapy is tough work!!! But, worth it. (No, you can't quote me later!)

Reactive Brain = Mind Rhetoric

I was debating on whether to add another past journal entry or to write about my brain. My brain sounded like the better way to go. Or is it that my brain told me...is it taking over? It already has control. Okay, rambling now.

Since I talked about my eating disorder with my therapist on Friday, I have all these negative thoughts running through my head. It is just rhetoric, thoughts I've always had. Thoughts that come after I share something where I feel vulnerable or something I am ambivalent about. We all have them. Some more than others.

Part of mine is a normal response and the other part has to do with internalizing all of what was told to me growing up and what I had to tell myself to emotionally survive. Either way, it interferes with talking more. However, pulling back after being vulnerable is normal. I told my therapist that I just felt naked before him. I'm also in Salvador Dali land still.

I think, that it is also defensive, so that I don't have to deal with what I shared because I really have mixed feelings. I don't want help and I do want help and it feels better. Yet, I still do not want to give up my control which is an illusion...it is controlling me.

Yet, the thoughts continue. Like I said before we all have them and it generally interferes with those of us who have been abused. Perhaps, you hear them too. They are automatic. Mine go something like this, "I isn't that bad. I shouldn't have said anything. It isn't a problem. I can handle it on my own. I don't need help. I'm fine. I don't know why I brought it up in the first place. I'm just being dramatic. I don't really have a problem. I'm just trying to make one up for attention." The thoughts go on...

I also think that it is my way of beginning to process what I told my therapist on Friday. Talking directly about something that has been like an elephant in the living room since I began seeing him was a big step. So, now I want to retreat back and pretend it didn't happen at all. Our minds learn to do funny things.

"Soft Watch at the Moment of First Explosion" ~ 1954