If you have been following my blog you will know that I am having a difficult time right now and it still continues. Thursday, session was difficult as I talked about "just being tired and being angry that I have to go through therapy, am unable to work, increased medications, etc..." And, I used four tissues. I cried a little. Also, he kept bring it back to it being about my mother's failures (he used a stronger term, but I'm buzzy writing this) and that I am really angry at her. I left feeling angry and like sobbing.
All this time, since last week, I've been having horrible flashbacks of being alone with my step-father in our apartment. My therapist and I talked about it on Friday. Yes, he saw me on Independence Day. I was really glad. I was able to talk about a third of the memories, but felt the terror (I can't find a stronger word), how often he actually threaten to kill me, how the sexual abuse began, how young and immature he was, that I never felt like there was a place to hide, felt trapped all the time and was forcibly made to eat things that I did not like. With all of this, I am extra hypervigilant. My therapist and I laughed at that because my baseline is really hypervigilant. I hate this PTSD. (I am one of Bradley's prairie dogs) Filled with terror, sadness, homicidal rage, abandonment, betrayal and more. It was intense, but good. He says, that I am making good progress and seems to really feel for how difficult this is and how painful.
We also talked about how the summer gets worse for me and the things that are connected to summer including the heat, being with my step-father all day or his parents, my birthday and the pattern of my becoming more symptomatic. Both of my hospitalizations were in the summer and although I don't want to go that route, if I need to I will. But, I don't think that I need to except for sometimes that safe environment sounds good. And, I've been feeling really hopeless.I hope the increase of my Effexor XR is helpful. I'm still waking up with the thought of I want to or I need to die. We are also connecting my current feeling with that being the way I felt growing up. *Sigh*
I had a really happy thing happen too on Friday. One of my blog buddies called and we spoke for almost two hours. I don't recall doing that since I was a teen well maybe a 20-something. Well, it has been over 20 years except for a few times with my therapist, but he doesn't count. I had a great time talking to this person and it was helpful to talk serious and laugh instead of emailing or posting comments. Immediate feedback!! I really had a good time. I just found out that we have unlimited long distance calling, so I can call this person too.
I didn't do anything else on that day except for try to figure out EntreCard and relaxed. However, the PTSD kicked in really badly in the evening with the fireworks, but my husband just laid by my side and stroked my hair as I curled up next to him...very nice and comforting...good trick to cuddle, huh? I hope you had a good one.
