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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

"Thank You Lord" ~ Don Moen ~ Worship in Song

Thank You Lord ~ Don Moen

I come before you today
And there's just one thing that I want to say
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

For all you've given to me
For all the blessings I can not see
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

With a greatful heart, with a song of praise
with an outstreched arm, I will bless your name

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord

For all you've done in my life
You took my darkness and gave me your light
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

You took my sin and my shame,
You took my sickness and healed all my pain
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

With a greatful heart, with a song of praise
with an outstreched arm, I will bless your name

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord

KEY CHANGE

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord

Saturday, November 29, 2008

“I don’t exist” ~ Emptiness

I want to say that I’m doing much better and that I feel great, but that would be a fantasy. My therapist suggested that blogging would help lower the intensity of my feelings. I didn’t intend to talk about my mother for the the whole session. I’m having a really difficult time writing this like in the session I kept dissociating to where I missed whole parts of what Geoffrey said to me. I keep feeling like I’m trying to do the same writing this.

It started with talking about not going to Thanksgiving and everyone in my family calling or emailing me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and that they hope I feel well enough to come to Christmas. Everyone, except my mother. Now, I know it isn’t realistic to have her call and I know that I could have called, but I only wanted to speak with her if she was going to be nice. Chances are she wouldn’t be. After a long time of going around making a direct statement I admitted that I was disappointed.

Then, next thing I know we are talking about feeling like I’m unwanted, I don’t exist, am unimportant and don’t matter to her. That being how I’ve felt my whole life and her actions match. So, Thanksgiving kicked all that up again which is also why That Monday is not processed yet. Then, to admit that I really wanted to feel wanted by her or that I existed by her my whole life just led me to tears.

Also, that emptiness. An all to familiar emptiness that feels like my whole body aches with hollowness. Hollow because I don’t exist. I’ve never really existed to her except for when she needed me, but then I was just a projection which to me means I existed even less. Words cannot adequately describe the pain. And, I can’t find the words to describe my pain. Hollow, non-existent fits. But, not quite. Still those aren’t even feelings.

I know that I just really hurt right now and so want to fill the whole up with shopping. I wish I could afford to do more than just Christmas shopping. Anyway, my pain is intense and I can’t seem to explain it. But, it is pain where I want to curl up in a corner and die. And, feeling really hopeless. I'm feel like I'm rambling. I feel disorganized.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Today and everyday, I give thanks for the support and encouragement that you all give me. Thank you!! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up ~ Part II

I just returned from my therapy session and I feel a bit better. What I wrote and read to my therapist, I knew had a lot of transference and self-projection. [When you take a part of yourself that like for me helplessness and turn it back on yourself like feeling hopeless.]

As Geoffrey and I talked about what has been going on, he realized that neither one of understood how much I was effected by That Monday where it was so chaotic that we couldn't have a session and he was angry and focused on finding a place to meet.

It kicked up a lot of things that we haven't processed, so it kept getting pushed underground for the past three or four weeks. This is why my symptoms and my defenses kept getting worse. I'm still feeling hopeless, but it is more toward discouraged.

It is so hard just for me to "be" including just thinking and feeling. Then get to talking and that is a whole different hurdle. Part of the impass with therapy is that I'll revert to six months and not have any language to explain what is going on or I might use vague words. And, I withdraw more and more and feel intensely, but am not able to express it except by acting it out usually by just shutting down.

Bottom like is that I am not as overwhelmed, hopeless, suicidal, depressed, angry and empty feeling. Some of it is a flashback and another part is self-projection. Either way, it is painful, but I feel like I have a better handle off it, but still feeling vulnerable and just on that edge. Tomorrow will be just a nice day with my husband and I see my therapist on Friday. All those feelings...realizing how young I was when I first felt them...how sad.

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up! ~ Part I

[I wrote this yesterday evening after my therapy session. Obviously, I was not in a good place. Just so don't worry. I am not suicidal and I am not going to do anything. I do have an appointment scheduled for today and I plan to read this to him. What you will read is my borderline thinking and fragmenting. And, some I'm not sure what is happening...just that I'm really having a difficult time dealing with stuff in therapy.]


Geoffrey ~

I don’t even know how many phone calls I left, but I’m sorry. I was fragmenting and still am, but it feels like I can’t stop. However, the message that I left when I said I wanted to terminate therapy I wasn’t aware of fragmenting. The drive home was over an hour long and I thought about it and it seemed like a logical conclusion...to terminate.

It seems like I’m taking steps backwards and can’t see to move forward. I’m getting in my own way and can’t seem to stop it. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. And, I just seem to make it worse. I can’t tell you enough of what is going on or what I need, so you can’t help me. I keep doing the same unhelpful things over and over again. Maybe, this is as good as it gets for me. Maybe, we were both wrong in my ability to go further.

I feel really hopeless and alone. I just want to give up. Stop trying because I can’t seem to do the right thing. I feel like I’m never going to change. I’m never going to get better no matter what I do. I think, this week I feel like you gave up on me. I know you were, at least, frustrated which in my head meant that you are going to give up because you don’t know what to do. (I am just now realizing this is what I’ve been thinking.) So, I feel alone in this and since I think you have given up then, it is hopeless.

I know you care and my husband does too. You are two of the reasons that when I’m not fragmenting that I don’t think I would kill myself. I don’t want to hurt either one of you especially my husband. But, when I’m fragmenting nothing matters…I don’t care about how you or my husband would feel. I just know that I want to stop the feelings. I’m angry, empty, suicidal, depressed and hopeless. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I keep messing things up with you and with therapy. Why keep trying?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Visiting "The Old Neighborhood"

Sorry, about not getting around to comments including responding to my own and visiting blogs. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and one today plus therapy. Therapy and my other appointments are an hour from each other, so by the time I get home I usually take at least a two hour nap and I am gone most of the day. The day also starts much earlier, so I am even more wiped.

However, I am doing a bit better and thank you everyone for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. For that, I am thankful this week and always. My doing better is a mixed bag as I am doing better because I am feeling more and letting more truth into my brain. It has been quite painful and I dissociate some or fragment. It isn’t so much better as much as just different because both are painful.

Yesterday, was a good example. I had an optometry appointment for my new progressive lenses (oh, one does get older. At least, they have progressive and not bifocals. But, I am having such a hard time getting used to them.). The appointment is out in the area where my grandparents and my step-father’s parent used to live. They lived close to each other. The freeway on ramp is close to where we lived when I was in elementary school. So, I know the area very well. It is a well traveled route for me.

I’ve been out there many, many, many, many times, but never had an experience like today. My therapist says because I wasn’t all there. But, I went from feeling disconnected to really depressed, hopeless, terrified, sad, empty, pain, anger, trapped and overwhelmed. I just couldn’t wait until I got out of the area. I kept telling him that I’ve never felt this way before, but he told me that I did all the time. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel it, but now I am. I can’t imagine a child the age I was feeling like I did and having no control. At least, I had control yesterday.

So, basically I’m not feeling very well and having a rough time, but, in terms of therapy, I am doing well. I even noted for the past week that I have been letting myself cry in every session. My therapist displayed a bit of excitement when I said that. He has worked in theatre, so he can be quite expressive and funny. I still feel like I’m going back and forth between being able to express myself and not. Like yesterday, all I could say for awhile was that “I didn’t feel good, I felt awful, or It was hard.” Non-descript words that leave people guessing what it means.

I’m also having a difficult time with the increased depression, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges. One thing that is helping is when I can keep into focus that it is sort of a flashback to how I used to feel or cope and not a current feeling. Doesn’t make me feel any better, but helps me to stay grounded and not act on anything.

Everyone, thank you for sticking with me through this and leaving comments. I really appreciate it even it responding doesn’t happen in a timely manner or at all. I want to and I want to read your blogs, but I’m just not there or there inconsistently. Thank you again.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Where Do I Find Comfort? ~ Worship in Art

...knowing and sensing that God has wanted and delighted in me from before I was born.


"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13 (NIV)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Learning to Simply "Be" ~ Poetry

Learning to Simply "Be"

For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.

To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.

Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.

An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.

The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.

One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.

A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.

A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.

Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.

It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.

Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.

That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, who I am kept getting missed.

Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.

Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.

I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.

It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.

He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.

So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.

To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.

©2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

Friday, November 21, 2008

Finally, able to talk and it isn't pretty!!

Commentary: I wrote the following yesterday morning before my session as a tool to help me just express what I was feeling toward Geoffrey. He kept telling me just to say what ever I was feeling and thinking about him. This proved to be very helpful in keeping focused and not dissociating so much in session. However, my ambivalence was extremely high as was my anxiety. Thank God for PRNs.

Geoffrey,

I feel really disconnected right now. But, yesterday I know that I was angry with you and have been. It has been difficult in that I keep stopping myself with knowing that most of it has nothing to do with you and with not wanting to just be…feel anything about you. Since that Monday, I feel like I left a big part of me there. I wonder, if I can just let go if I just write because I don’t feel like I can actually talk and this may help.

There is a part of me that just wants to yell “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” It was a mistake to trust you on Monday because I ended up just getting hurt. I’m angry that you took some of your frustration out on me. I’m angry at you because you hurt my feelings. I’m angry that you made me feel like I didn’t exist. I’m angry that I felt like I didn’t matter to you. I’m angry that I felt so missed like you didn’t care about how I was doing. I’m angry at you for not picking up that I was in so much distress and had dissociated so much. I’m angry with me that I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know until a week later that I was angry and hurt. I hate you for hurting my feelings and not being aware of my needs. I’m really angry that you directed your anger at me. You really hurt my feelings. I felt like you didn’t want to be with me.

I’m still angry at myself that I went away so much. To the point that I couldn’t tell you what was going on because I didn’t know. I still don’t know some of what happened. I really hate that. I am angry that you can’t fill in the blanks. I’m angry that I still need to talk about how I feel about you and that I can’t even move on to what I know was triggered as flashbacks. I felt like I was in a minefield with something ready to go off at any moment.

I’m angry with you because it doesn’t seem to matter to you that it was difficult last week with realizing what happened. I’m angry that you said my delay in the hypervigilance was an indication of how bad it was and how damaged I am. I’m angry that it impacts everything in my life and employment. I’m angry that you said that the level of panic I felt is my baseline even though I know it is true. I didn’t want to hear it. I am angry that I felt like you didn’t notice how overwhelmed I felt. I’m angry that you triggered my feeling the “I don’t exist” emptiness and being alone.

I’m angry that you didn’t tell me earlier that you would be gone this past weekend knowing that all this new stuff was on the surface. I’m angry that you just left me and didn’t seem to care about the place that I was in.

I hate you for how awful you made me feel on this past Monday. I’m angry that you didn’t share at least a little of your trip with me like you usually do. You made me feel shut out. And, then I felt your frustration with the return trip and it felt like it didn’t matter to you how was doing over the weekend.

I had a horrible weekend and just tried to sleep most of the time. I felt disconnected from me and you. I am angry with the way you handled the session because you made me feel even more disconnected and angry. I really wanted to tell you about the flashback, trying not to feel what was kicked up last week, that the suicidal thoughts got scary and that I was feeling more and more hopeless since that Monday.

I feel like I just hate you for being unattuned to where I’ve been, directing your anger/frustration at me, leaving, trying to make me angry, not seeming to care about last week, not taking into account my weekend before you started pushing, not noticing that I really went away on that Monday and for hurting my feelings so much in the past couple of weeks. I hate that you can hurt my feelings. I feel like screaming that you don’t care.

Commentary: This lead into that this is the way I felt with my mother when she would become angry or frustrated and that I could not say anything even though there was a lot in my head. I knew that it triggered things with my mother, but didn't know how painfully deep it went. I didn't realize how much anger, sadness and pain was there.

I am continuing to feel more depressed and hopeless and the suicidal thoughts, planning and wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm more disturbed by my increasing depression and hopelessness. I think, that some has to do with this is the way I felt and that it is my reaction whenever, I speak up. Geoffrey has also purposefully not helped me to feel better as he wants me to stay with my feelings, so I know today might be better as he won't let me go into the weekend feeling this badly without feeling his support. I really just want to crawl into a corner and die. He did tell me that I did a good job yesterday and worked hard.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Okay, Some Words...I guess.

Okay, I have a little bit of a voice now. Besides just having a tough time in general, other things coming up feeling misunderstood, rejected by others, hopeless, terrified, panicked and overwhelmed.

The main thing in therapy has been making realizations and talking about that Monday which I blogged about in a
post a couple of weeks ago. Well, I'm still trying to work through what actually happened, my feelings toward Geoffrey, and what was triggered.

Basically, I know that I really dissociated, was terrified, felt abandoned, angry, non-existent type of emptiness and overwhelmed. Along with it has come lots of suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Then, this past session did not go well. So, generally I am feeling disconnected from myself, Geoffrey and everyone or I want to push them away.

I know that I am angry because he went out of town for the weekend and I am still angry at Geoffrey which he wants me to express, but I keep stopping myself because I know that it isn't about him. He lets me know, but that is where you are now and that I can't just let myself "be."

I've been sleeping a lot as a way to numb out and taking more PRNs per my psychiatrist's suggestion. He says that I'm not taking enough and that I could have called him this past weekend when I was having difficulty.

I am just having a tough time with present feelings, flashbacks that I haven't been able to talk about, and feelings that have been triggered. And, it all starts with how I am feeling toward Geoffrey and expressing myself. Unfortunately, I have this problem of just letting my feeling be there, to stay present to them with Geoffrey or even just with myself, and expressing them that is a huge leap. Much of it is also pre-verbal which makes everything more difficult. So it is preverbal and I shut down...great combination.

Well, I need to go to my session...I'm going to try, but I am already going away...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

"Still No Words"


"Suffering" ~ © 2002 Rita Loyd

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Monday, November 17, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~November 25, 2005~Thanksgiving

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~November 25, 2005

Thanksgiving was okay. I enjoyed getting to know the new spouses (new wife and a new husband) better and helping out in the kitchen...she seemed relieved when I arrived because I know how to cook. I got a little angry at my mother. She was much better, but I still had to initiate any interaction even when she arrived and was greeting everyone. However, she didn't cut me off and continued to minimally interact. Still it was tiring. Didn't help that I didn't sleep well.

I got so angry at Grandma. I knew I really didn't want my mother or Grandma to touch me, but Grandma really irritated me when she moved my hair. I only allow or feel safe with a few people touching my face or hair.

Anyway, after we ate and my husband and I went to the couch and he sat there and I laid down resting my head on his leg holding a pillow and was starting to fall asleep. Then, Grandma chose that time to come and ask if I was okay, how have I been and moved my hair. I told her I was fine and shook my head indicating not to continue to touch my hair.

I really wanted to push her hand away. Then, she brought the pies. One pumpkin and a pumpkin chiffon. Now, for forty years, I've always hated pumpkin and seems like I tell her at every gathering. It was made worse because she said she got the chiffon one because it was her favorite. [She has always remembered what everyone else's favorite desserts are, but when it comes to me she can't remember or gets it wrong.]

I think, sometimes I feel like I don't exist to my mother or grandma. And other times, they are intrusive or demanding. Just got really angry. Really feel like crying. Also, the thoughts of cutting and bruising are loud today. So are the thoughts of wanting to die. [At the time, I realized that the anger toward grandma was really for my mother. I was also beginning to realize that their behavior hadn't changed in forty years...that I've always felt like I didn't exist.]

Remember so many holidays. Having such mixed feelings. Looking forward to spending time with some of my family and so anxious about going to my step-father's parents and feeling on guard the whole day as usually some of the bigger arguments would occur between my mother and step-father. The more violent conflicts would occur and then there was having to see his parents.

And everything was so loud as the football games were on every television and my step-father was really loud and everyone would suddenly yell during the game. I also kinda miss Grandpa sitting in front of the television all day and my aunt and I drying and putting away the dishes.

Then, there were the time when my mother would become angry and suddenly take me to my step-father's parents. My step-father usually went there and my mother and I went to my grandparents. Nobody in my family really like my step-father except he was good with my uncle's children. But, every get together was preceded by some huge argument with much of the time my mother ending up yelling and slapping me for not getting ready quick enough. [I was never going to be quick enough.]

Then, there was always the hope that my father would call or send a card. Disappointed every time, yet there was always a part that hoped until I was a teenager. Always feeling like crying because of the disappointment or the arguing. Sometimes, it was just so confusing and a lot of the times my mother seemed angry the whole day no matter what we ended up doing.

Often times, I'd end up sleeping over at my step-father's parents when I really wanted to stay with my grandparents. Felt like I just got yanked back and forth by my mother with no reason...it was confusing and her driving scared me. It was always so tense. Feel really anxious and like crying. Sometimes, I got to stay with my grandparents, but even if that was preplanned, I could still end up at my step-father's parents. I hated it and just wanted to die. Always so much conflict, but the holidays just made it worse.

Comments: At this point in therapy, all of the above was the first time that wrote or spoke of things in this manner. I was also making connections between how my mother and grandmother treated me as a child and that it still occurs despite my saying anything...then, I'm just too sensitive.

I have always started to become really anxious at the beginning of November. This year, since I am not feeling like I want to deal with what is going on inside and with my mother, my husband and I are not going to Thanksgiving with my family. We are going to have a quiet day together. Or maybe, I'll just sleep.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

"Not Be Shaken" ~ David Ruis ~ Worship in Song!!

This is one of my favorite worship songs as it reminds me to be steadfast despite all that is around me...and that I am, for the most part. It also reminds me of God's sovereignty. No matter what my faith is not shaken.

Not Be Shaken

I will declare my joys to the nations
I will shout for joy to the congrgation
I will worship God, worship GodAll my days

Those who love the Lord are satisfied
Those who trust in him are justified
And I will serve my God, serve my God
All my days

When the nations crumble
The word of the Lord will stay
Kings may rise and fall
His love will endure
Though the strong may stumble
The joy of the Lord is strength

To my soul
I will not be shaken
I will not be moved
I will not be shaken

I will declare my joys to the nation
Hey I will shout for joy to the congregation
I will worship God, worship God
All my days

Those who love the Lord are satisfied
Those who trust in him are justified
I will serve my God, serve my God
All my days

When the nations crumble
The word of the Lord will stay
Kings may rise and fall
His love will endure
Though the strong may stumble
The joy of the Lord is strength

To my soul
I will not be shaken
I will not be moved
I will not be shaken

I will not be shaken
Keep my eyes on you Lord
I will not be moved
Keep my feet on the ride
I will not be shaken
Let him do something to you
I will not be moved

Anywhere you see, and anywhere you look
I will not be shaken
I will not be moved
I will not be shaken

Saturday, November 15, 2008

"Star Wars" - an a cappella tribute to John Williams

From: ApprenticeA @ YouTube

GET THE MP3 (AND READ THE LYRICS):http://www.moosebutter.com/starwarsA BIG thank you and ALL musical credit goes to the a cappella comedy group Moosebutter (from Provo, UT), who greatly assisted me in the making of this video and memorizing their brilliant song "Star Wars" from their 2002 album 'see dee'. This video was done with their blessing and their support. Check out their website here:http://www.moosebutter.com/

Friday, November 14, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued....


When I was older, it got worse and I remember being home alone a lot and sometimes, I would tear up for no apparent reason. Other times, it was because of how I was being treated.


Feels so much like I also need to just talk, but sometimes it seems so repetitive and I make it bad which I do anyway. Feels like I break one of the biggest rules I had which was not to say anything, not to cry, not to make a sound...never to let anyone know.


Now, sometimes, I feel like I just want you to know everything and to share my tears and screams. And to let you know how angry, hurt and scared I was all the time. Then, sometimes, I feel bad that I want you to know. Feels like I'm really doing something wrong. Like with the crying. In my head, I hear, "I'm being dramatic, too sensitive, blowing it up, or making it up."


And another part just wants to scream I'm telling the truth and I've waited a long time for someone to really hear me. Then, I get scared and everything hurts and I want to cry.


Remember ripping my t-shirt up after the Monopoly incident with my step-father where my mother ended up spanking me with the yardstick...feeling so misunderstood, alone and like I didn't matter. I was so angry and hurt because she took his side again...felt so hopeless and knew as long as my step-father was around that it was never going to be any different. She would never hear me.


I remember making superficial cuts on my wrist and hitting my thighs with my fists. Felt so alone and misunderstood most if not all of the time. Sad how difficult real comfort was hard to find. And, now when I have it I try to push away or make it bad when I receive it.


It is like I make everything bad that I wanted or needed even wanting or needing. Even something as simple as a card from my father or to hear my father tell me he loved me. Really hard to realize that he didn't even want me and that he made choices and had intent in what he did as did my mother and step-father. Means I really didn't have any control over what they did to me. Really wanting to cry.


There is just so much pain, anger and fear and other feelings. Feeling overwhelmed and in over my head and absolutely panicked all the time. Sometimes, it seems like I need to share the same stuff over again...really feel like crying and I am glad that you are there to listen and comfort.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued....

The flashbacks run through all ages and sometimes, I get really buzzy and anxious. I so much wanted someone to really know how much pain I was in and to talk to someone who would understand and listen and comfort me. Someone to tell what was going on or what happened. I'm starting to cry now. I think, I must have really wanted it since I didn' t give up on therapy or you or me.

So much, I kept to myself, so many thoughts and harming myself...so many private things and unshared and unspoken even to me. And unknown.

I think, I'm realizing how constant and unrelenting the suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, hopelessness, feeling really, really bad, feeling like I didn't matter, wasn't important, uncomforted, terrified, angry and hurt I was. There is more, but this is what I can identify now.

Feels like I'm really wrestling with accepting or even looking at that things were really scary, chaotic, violent and terrorizing and sad. When I do I feel more and sometimes I just hurt all over. I'm crying now. Things were really horrible for a long time.

Sometimes, I feel like I did growing up and just wanting to cry and scream, but unable to really do so. Could be tearful alone. Being alone was and is really painful. Feels good not to cry alone. Then, I make it bad. Bad to feel comfort and to even feel safe...can't trust.

Remember sitting in my closet or on my floor just holding my Snoopy and rocking...trying not to cry, but really wanting to cry and scream. Wanting to do so with my Mom, my father, step-father, his father and all the other men. But, so many times at home or with my father not saying anything or crying or screaming when sometimes all I wanted to do was cry or scream.

Really wanted to when my step-gather did the things he did, when my Mom would slap and scream at me, when my father would correct me, slap me or spank me. Also, when my mother and step-father would tease me.

To be continued....

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part II of IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued.... (current commentary in purple)

I think, since crying, I've really felt embarrassed, like I did something really wrong, that something bad is going to happen and that I am going to die. Also, felt like I needed to do that for a long time [cry]. It did feel good to be heard by you. [I am trusting him on a whole new level by crying, hitting and screaming with him without knowing why. I still have difficulty with this.]

I'm also feeling like I need to die and that I really need to hurt myself. One because I feel bad and the other is to calm my anxiety. Sometimes, I get so tired and discouraged that I keep going here. Other times, the thoughts make complete sense to act upon. [Again, I express myself truthfully and there is a price I make myself pay...I continue to have difficulty just letting myself be.]

When I was crying and intrusively so since, it feels like everything hurts. Also, felt angry and hitting the pillow felt good except that I bruised my hand. During when I would let myself go some, there were thoughts of hitting myself and also wanting to hit someone else. [I was just starting to feel my anger and it wasn't very focused except for at myself, most of the time.]

The screaming felt like I released some of/and felt more intensely the amount of anger, fear and pain that I had/have. Feels like there is more. I'm tearing up now.

During, I also had some thoughts of wanting to die because I just hurt so much or was absolutely terrified. Terrified of being slapped, hit, dying, being screamed or yelled at, being grabbed, being forced upon and just beginning to feel the searing pain of the spankings. I think, that is what the crying, screaming and hitting were about, but not all some of it was just feeling so alone, misunderstood, unheard, like I didn't exist and feeling so utterly bad and wanting to die. [These sensations and realizations were new to me at the time, at this level, so it was quite distressing to me.]

Sometime, I just feel like crying with no identifiable reason. Sometimes that's what it felt like for me at all ages and just got worse as I got older. [I need to know what I am going to cry about; otherwise, I have difficulty...again I just can't let me be where I am.]

To be continued....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part I of IV

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005

I've been feeling like crying on and off all day and yesterday. Keep tearing up. Feeling really tired too. Woke up in a panic at 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep. Felt like I was suffocating and screaming at the same time. Had nightmares and flashbacks all night.

Also, kind of feel panicked about going to seven hours next month especially since this month and next month are so disruptive, in terms of the schedule especially with the holidays. I think, I would feel better if we waited until January, but I know we agreed upon December.

I also think, I'm really anxious about the holidays and Thanksgiving especially since I have not had contact with my mother since May. Really keyed up for how she will be. Makes my stomach hurt. Feeling really anxious and a bit angry.

When you first began using the word "fiction" it felt okay. Now, it seems somewhat discounting. I think I've been making it bad. I guess, I've been feeling bad especially since crying. Partly, because I felt heard, comforted and not alone and safe with you. Somewhere in my head it is bad to feel or even want that. I can hear you saying that that is just fiction which makes me want to go away because it feels discounting and bad. [I am fragmenting which is a defense about how I've been feeling which I will write in tomorrow's entry.]

To be continued...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Traumatized ~ Abandoned, Alone & Disconnected

(Written Sunday, November 9, 2008)

I have been having a very difficult time, so I am sorry that I haven't been consistent in reading blogs or leaving comments or responding to my own. Some days, I can and other days I can't. I'm glad that I post ahead of time because, at least, that stays up to the past date. :-) (I hope that made sense.)

Initially, I was having difficulty with talking about my eating disorder, but Monday changed all that. I was anxious to talk on Monday as I was having flashbacks related to my dental appointment that afternoon. However, I was never able to talk about it all week.

I was basically traumatized Monday which my therapist pointed out on Thursday and made me repeat on the telephone today. When I arrived, there were two very large male workers in the adjacent suite basically tearing everything out and using very large machines that were very loud as were there voices.

My therapist and I decided to go to the patio, but no one had the keys. Not even the manager who neglected to tell him that the work was going to be done. I could tell that my therapist was angry. The ladies went to a different building to leave us alone, but I just kept watching traffic and somewhere along the way I dissociated and was in and out. I was scared of the men, the noise, the women and my therapist.

My therapist was angry and he was not very patient with me and took some of his frustration out on me which left me feeling abandoned and alone and unsafe. He later really apologized. To top it off we were under the fire alarm which the workers set off. My coffee when flying and I just started to tremble and went outside as all this commotion commenced.

After that was over, we still tried to talk in the lobby, but the two women stayed in the building loud enough to be heard and I didn't feel safe. We finally gave up as my only focus was trying to remain present, but for what? It was a disaster.

Well, I just kept feeling more abandoned, alone, unsafe and disconnected as the week went on and through the weekend. Today (Sunday), I spoke with my therapist and realized that Monday was really traumatic and I was reacting to everything and I'm just realizing it now. This isn't even mentioning the flashbacks that it triggered that I was unaware of at the time.

I'm beginning to put the pieces together, but remain somewhat withdrawn. I was really scared and am now just beginning to process it. As a result, I've been having a difficult time with everything because I keep going away. (Oh, did I mention I had a dental exam that afternoon...I won't even write about it.) I feel numb now, so I'll stop.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Friday, November 7, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

Slideshow and nightmares have been of all of these things. Really quite disturbing. Feel like crying, yelling and screaming. Seems like I was always making him angry. Felt like even though, he didn't hit much that I was always afraid that he would hit me.

Also, keep flashing back to the three (my mother, father and his father) of them yelling and my father pushing my mother or to my mother and father arguing on the porch of my grandparents or at our apartment with the screen door between them and to him slapping me with no specific incident attached.

Feels like there are a lot of feelings, but they seem overwhelming and very difficult to identify. It is just even difficult to take in what I wrote. Feels sort of trivial to talk about. Or that no one would believe me. You're [Geoffrey] the only one I've ever told how strict he was and how angry he could get.

I feel like dying now or like I'm going to. I'm also really wanting to cut, bruise and take the medication.

It isn't like abandonment or rejection. It was like I didn't exist to him. He never knew me and I never knew him which was also his choice. Hard to understand. I felt like a thing to him. The whole thing is difficult to comprehend. Makes my head hurt. Feels really overwhelming and makes me panic.

I don't feel safe fingerpainting because it makes the emotions more intense. Right now, I don't feel safe without you being there when I get into this stuff. Last week, I felt safe with you because I could sense you pushing me and pulling back when it seemed too much or when I tried to tell you.
Scared me when I tried to tell you. Scares me how safe I've been feeling with you. Two things, just trusting and that it allows me to talk more freely which ends up in surprising things coming out of my mouth and going to more painful places.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

I started biting my nails when I was very young and I remeber him slapping my hands each time to get me to stop which I was never able to do until a few weeks before I graduated from college.

He got angry and corrected me in the way I ate my soup, held my pencil, how many fries to eat at one time, keeping my elbows off the table, using my napkin properly, brushing my teeth. He also told me that I drank and ate too quickly. He said I was supposed to chew my food at least 25 times. I remember skipping and him getting angry because that was not a proper way to walk. I was also told to take smaller more ladylike bites.

He would correct me about the way I spoke. Sometimes, I spoke too quickly or used improper grammar, or misprounounced words. He would correct me. I remember him correcting me about using "ain't" and with pronouncing my last name. I got lectures about my grades if they were less than "A"s which I alwasy had some "B" or, God forbid, a "C."

He would also lecture me about not becoming overweight like he was and comparing me to a relative that we always visited who was a year older and a cheerleader type. I remember him getting angry because I was making too much noise which basically meant that he could hear me in the other room of the house.

Feeling angry because I felt like he picked on me, that I could never live up to his standards and that that was the primary way I remember interacting with him. There were also some fun times too, but those could be easily interrupted. Also, feel a little sad because, he was so strict with what little time he did spend with me. Also, feeling really scared and panicky...afraid to move, say anything or even make a sound....

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part II

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

Remember, him hitting the kitchen table when he would get angry with my mother and would start to yell. Remember being slapped in my crib and up until he stopped seeing me regularly (sort of) in the beginning of elementary school. Still remember being really scared.

Sometimes, it felt like his yelling or scolding came so suddenly and usually I didn't understand why he was so strict and kept picking on me. He seemed so unpredictable and most of the time, I didn't even know I was doing anything wrong. I'd get angry, but didn't let him know and tried to hide it. Also, didn't cry because it also hurt my feelings.

I remember his apartment and my spending the night in my sleeping bag on his couch. I was really young. At his apartment, breakfast was always Cheerios which I really didn't like especially with the mild in the cereal, but I remember thinking "I better not complain." I also remember the time when I spilled the cereal on the floor. It wasn't alot, but I immediately felt my stomach drop because I knew I was in big trouble.

I remember thinking I'd better clean it up and started to, but he was so fast and grabbed me by my right arm really tightly with one hand and pulled my pants and underwear down with the other as he easily picked me up and tossed me on the leather couch. I remember hearing him take his belt off and hear it go through the air and hit me. He was so angry and he kept spanking. I didn't cry or say anything. When he was done, he told me to get dressed, clean up the floor and eat breakfast.

The only other time I remember him spanking me was when I was playing with the doors at the home with his second or third wife. I remember him yelling my name and seeing his face. I immediately began saying, "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

He grabbed me, and lectured me about how improperly I was behaving and that doors are not toys and that I was making too much noise. He pulled my pants and underwear down and pused me on the arm of the sofa, took his belt off, held my back down with his left hand and started spanking me with his belt with his right.

I remember hearing the belt go through the air and hit my bottom. I think, I went away some because both times I don't remember the spanking hurting, but they did hurt a lost. I teared up because it stung so much, but I didn't cry or say anything once he started. I remember thinking that he was unfair and was really angry again I couldn't please him.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Part I of IV

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

[My parents divorced when I was about 3 years old and I saw him sporadically until about 5th grade. I never knew where he lived, had his telephone number or a picture even though I asked for a picture and the information. There were many last minute cancellations and broken promises. I last had contact with him in 1983. I do not know how to contact him, nor do I want to do so.]

The "slideshow" [of flashbacks in my head] has been really disturbing feels like I can't get away from it. It started at the end of the session and has continued to be intrusive. I didn't sleep well last night. Felt really edgy and panicked. Had nightmares and flashbacks all night. Sometimes, I think I've talk about my father enough, but I guess not.

Some of what I remember are things that I've already talked about. Other flashbacks are just the general feeling of being scared, angry and hurt. Feeling like I'm going to die.

Sort of feels like he picked on me whenever, I was with him. But, there were pleasant times too, but generally, I was at the very least apprehensive. One of the last activities was kite flying at the beach. He knew I liked Snoopy and took me shopping. But, it always felt like he was just trying to make it up to me or buy me.

I keep thinking that his being strict wasn't that bad. But, I do remember feeling like I had to do things perfectly for him or he would get angry. Remember, sometimes feeling like he didn't want to see me because I made him angry with me and that's why he didn't come back.

Remember, that when I was younger that he would slap me and grab my arm and would yell and lecture me and tell my that my mother wasn't raising me right. When I was older all he needed to do was to raise his voice or scold me. Either way, I was really scared of him and wanted to be with him. But, didn't want to be with him. I was really afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. He seemed so big to me and his hand seemed enormous especially when he would slap or grab my arm.

Sometimes, he would lecture me about what seemed odd to me at the time. He lectured me about wearing my seat belt which if he knew me, it was something I always wore and would tell my mother to wear hers. He also lectured me about not smoking cigarettes or marijuana. I was in elementary school and remember thinking that I would never do that because I hated both and didn't like it especially when my mother would smoke or smelling it at my step-father's parent's home. He also lectured me of the dangers of hitchhiking. I remember, thinking why are you telling me this. It is something I would never consider doing....

....to be continued tomorrow.

Monday, November 3, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 8, 2005 ~ Holding It Together!

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (current observations in purple)

I haven't been doing very well since last night. Something didn't sit right with me about the session. Today, I'm feeling really panicky, unfocused, overwhelmed and disorganized. [Panicky and overwhelmed and awful are things that I say I've been feeling every morning since this all started. What I know now it that is the way I used to feel all the time, but it was before I had words to describe my feelings; hence, the vague word "awful."]

I think, with the end of the year and with all the work I have to get caught up on, changing our schedule was just one more extra variable. I felt out of control even more. Last night, I felt like crying. A part of me with the schedule is that I'm afraid that it won't work out. And, I disconnected last night. Today, I've had moments when I've felt like I was going to die or wanted to do so. I'm really wanting to cut and bruise. [Anticipatory anxiety always begins at the end of October, like now. My anxiety rises and my defenses engage just in case.]

I think, yesterday, I wasn't ready to deal with scheduling problems. Just felt like crying all day and hadn't slept well. Didn't sleep well last night either. I'm feeling really anxious overwhelmed and stressed with the end of the year. I think, the weekend was really stressful for me and difficult. Feels like I fought really hard to stay connected. Also, felt extremely relieved that I saw you Monday and just wanted to cry. I guess, I felt sort of like I missed out yesterday because I was late.

Today was really a long day and I was constantly busy even so the thoughts were intrusive and I felt panicky, at times, or felt like I could tear up. Not really sure why. Sometimes, just getting through the day seems so difficult and like I'm just trying to hold it together to get through. [Work is becoming increasingly overwhelming and I am becoming almost incapacitated and falling further behind which incapacitates me more. I'm still working full-time and then some.]

My client was re-hospitalized last night. I'm concerned about him and want to go see him, but feel like it would just be pushing it. Sometimes, I wonder when things will be "normal" again.

I really just feel like crying. Felt like crying last week too. Feels like I've been trying really hard to stay in control which probably just adds to my stress. I guess, I feel like something needs to feel more settled which may be why the schedule thing bothered me so much. I just really feel like crying. I was so relieved to see you Monday. I was really afraid you wouldn't come back, but don't think I was able to acknowledge that.

Just feels like the past couple of weeks I've been just holding it together and it feels like things just keep building.

Observations: I was not able at the time to acknowledge that I was really afraid that he was not going to see me again after his vacation. I was getting increasingly ungrounded and disconnecting. The stress of working and trying to deal with therapy and the memories was really not working anymore, but I was hoping that the holidays when I took time off would help. I was also freaking out about going from 8 hours of therapy a week to 7. It is really hard for me to believe that I was doing and feeling all this. I was really crazy to be working and I really did need the level of treatment. It was that or the hospital. I am really grateful that Geoffrey took the time, patience and energy to modify outpatient therapy to meet my needs.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

"Edge of Heaven" by Aaron Ryan Gayah

"Edge of Heaven"

("Shot taken of the sunset from the plane on my way home from Houston.")

From http://www.aarongayah.com/. Used by permission.
Copyright © 2008, Aaron Ryan Gayah. All rights reserved.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Can Your Resist Temptation?

Go Ahead, try! I know that you are dying to!! Three is a magic number!!!

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