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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, May 30, 2008

I got brave or is it stupid or crazy!!

My answer is that I got brave and bold. I added a summary of my repressed memories to my side bar. I've been thinking about it since I started and then began to slowly test things out on other people's blogs. Terrified of their reactions. This is where my borderline thinking comes in and is not very helpful. I received an email this morning from a friend who asked if I was okay. Well, okay is a relative term.

Now I'm scared. I feel like something bad is going to happen and that no one will like me or read my blog anymore. I know I am not thinking straight about this. All sorts of insecurities and bad thoughts in my head. It just makes the abuse more real and a part of me doesn't want it to be real and I've avoided it for many years.

I am proud of myself for doing it, but there are repercussions. I keep thinking that I did something wrong and that someone is going to yell or hit me. It has also increased my depression and desire to cut or bruise. So, I know I need to take PRN's today.

What I wrote are some of the things that I'm starting to integrate in therapy which sucks. I think it helps to put things into context. The biggest thing is that I told. I actually told anyone that visits my site and reads the sidebar. Feeling very vulnerable, raw and tearful...seeing on the computer screen makes it so much more real. I am beginning to have more compassion for my little girl instead of hatred and wanting to kill her off.

It is triggering more of the flashbacks that I've been having anyway, but it has increased them in intensity and frequency. I'm also feeling pretty disconnected. Writing helps even though, I am rambling and jumping thoughts. I still am in a little bit of shock, but the responses have been great. Thank to those who have been encouraging. Can I take it down now...I don't really mean that I would. It is just really tempting.


Rising Rainbow said...

You did get brave......there's nothing stupid or crazy about it.I'm glad that your secret is out. I know it's really scary but it will make things better this way. It won't happen overnight but it's such a huge step in healing your depression.

Tory said...

Do not be ashamed. I'm so proud of you that you were able to share this horrific time of your life with us. You are not bad and nothing is going to happen, I promise. God will see us both through all this crap in our lives and those who hurt us will pay for every tear we have shed because of them. You are a precious child in God's eyes, don't ever forget that! Hide in the palm of His hand when you have to 'go away'.

Mr B The Tech Teacher said...

No one is going to be scared off hun, and no one will think any bad of you. Quite the contrary I can't put into words how proud I am of you, this must have been incredibly difficult for you!
If it's triggering you, feel free to take it easy for a bit to let your mind settle. We're not going anywhere and you've earned it!
We all love ya hun, you are an incredibly brave and strong person. I know you may not always feel like it, but take it from me~ you are! :)


Spin Original said...

I really appreciate your openness. Thank you for sharing. As long as we think that something bad is going to happen because we told, we are still giving credit/control to our abuser/s and they don't need any more of that!!!

I look forward to reading about your journey though this healing process, and I hope we can talk about things and get well together.

You are not alone.

Clueless said...

I want to respond to everyone individually, but positive comments, any comments are triggering and feels good at the same time...it is hard to trust. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the last 24 hours. All I can do is say thank you to everyone. It does mean a lot to me. Now, I think I'll go take a PRN, calm down and take a nap. For some reason even though I am an American, I want to say:


Tracy said...

Dear Clueless,

I have read this and it reminded me of myself. I used to have another blog, one where i shared my past pains. It was a very healing thing for me. As i have healed, i decided to make a new blog, one that reflects my growth and healing. It had taken a lot of courage to post all i did in my old blog. I was very blunt in my posts as you are doing. It is a good thing. If anyone does judge you, which i hope they do not, know that your healing is more important.

I am glad you stopped by my blog and commented. Know that with Gods grace and love anything is possible. He has the ability to bring you freedom from this pain that holds you in place.

Hugs and many blessings to you.


Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I get really afraid when I write stuff in detail as you've done. It worries me that someone may not believe all of this could happen to one person or that maybe I'm making too much of something. Lord do I worry a lot. But I encourage you to push the worry aside and keep writing. I've written entries that I was sure would drive people away but people still read. It amazes me but they do. I wonder why, I really do. Perhaps it's why I read their blog, to find some understanding of myself or find some connection with another human being that gets it.

As long as there is someone out here searching for answers and connection people will read. Keep writing and keep giving yourself the care you need to keep going. That is first and foremost. We can't read anything if you're not around to write it.

smiles to you and yours,

jumpinginpuddles said...

we also think you got brave it also helped us to get to know you. Our mother was one of our abusers and she was a diagnosed paranoid bipolar, who refused to take her medication. We understand a mothers abuse the same as a fathers, what you wrote helped us
thankyou for coming to our blog and introducing yourself

Clueless said...

@ Mysti ~ thank you for your comments...Yes, I need to focus that this is for my healing. It is also helpful that you are a Christian. I know I'll get through the process, but the process sucks.

@ Austin ~ thank you for the encouragement. Yes, it is the emotional consequences that are difficult after sharing and I do what you do. Thanks for the smiles and I will take care of me first.

@ jumpinginpuddles ~ thank you so much for visiting my blog and reading my story. My life. Thank you for coming to my blog and introducing yourself. I'm glad that you could relate some. It doesn't make me feel so alone and like I'm making it up.


Anonymous said...

I admire you for your courage. Your story made me cry which is something I have a hard time doing - accessing my feelings. I just began my own website and blog and while my story of abuse is not near as severe as yours I am still having anxiety attacks every time I put up a post or new content.

Thank you for your bravery. It will help me be a bit more courageous about posting on my own site. Also seeing the supportive answers that commenters are leaving makes me feel glad that I am finely finding my voice and joining the healing community.

Clueless said...

Tamara, Thank you. You are not alone on the healing journey. And now, I am not. Putting that up there was one of the most difficult things I've ever done and I am glad that I did it even though it is painful.

Anonymous said...


With great risk comes great reward...

I have a dear friend with much of the same history, and I've walked with her throughout much of her adulthood-- and it all rings so similar (dissociation, PTSD, feeling fear or guilt about saying what happened...) I jump for joy to hear that you've come so far and were so brave. You're not alone, we support you!!!

Unknown said...

It is one thing to live it, but to share it for everyone to see takes a lot of courage..way to go. I too have a blog where I write about my feelings and my depression. Reading your blog did have some triggers for me, I still am trying to reach my "inner child" but it is so hard, to accept her...keep on writing ill be back..Mary

Clueless said...

Yes, it is hard. However, being so open which I do not recommend to everyone, helped me have more compassion. Now, the back lash of wanting to kill her off happens, but I know and can handle what is happening. I hope you took care of yourself with the triggers...those can be so difficult...mine have increased as have the flashbacks since writing the side bar. I look forward to getting to know you and I'm going to take a look at your site tomorrow. Bedtime now.

Anonymous said...

Hi CC,
Your story is remarkable and I think you're doing really well! The natural desire is to hide the things that we consider shameful, but I believe that the best thing we can do is bring our 'stuff' out into the light where it can be examined properly.
Like me, you're writing anonymously which I think really helps. It gives a safety net of sorts, whilst still allowing honesty.
No one is going to yell at you, but those of us who read your blog are going to cheer for you! :)

Clueless said...

Exactly. Thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate it.

Scraps said...

Hi...I'm new here, just started reading. I followed you back from a comment you made on Therapydoc's blog.

I think you were really brave to put that out there, as well as everything else you've been telling about yourself. I don't know why G-d lets such terrible things happen...but I hope He continues to give you strength to go on and grow ever closer to Him.


Clueless said...

@scraps. Thank you!!

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