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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I Made it Through the 4th of July!!!

If you have been following my blog you will know that I am having a difficult time right now and it still continues. Thursday, session was difficult as I talked about "just being tired and being angry that I have to go through therapy, am unable to work, increased medications, etc..." And, I used four tissues. I cried a little. Also, he kept bring it back to it being about my mother's failures (he used a stronger term, but I'm buzzy writing this) and that I am really angry at her. I left feeling angry and like sobbing.

All this time, since last week, I've been having horrible flashbacks of being alone with my step-father in our apartment. My therapist and I talked about it on Friday. Yes, he saw me on Independence Day. I was really glad. I was able to talk about a third of the memories, but felt the terror (I can't find a stronger word), how often he actually threaten to kill me, how the sexual abuse began, how young and immature he was, that I never felt like there was a place to hide, felt trapped all the time and was forcibly made to eat things that I did not like. With all of this, I am extra hypervigilant. My therapist and I laughed at that because my baseline is really hypervigilant. I hate this PTSD. (I am one of Bradley's prairie dogs) Filled with terror, sadness, homicidal rage, abandonment, betrayal and more. It was intense, but good. He says, that I am making good progress and seems to really feel for how difficult this is and how painful.

We also talked about how the summer gets worse for me and the things that are connected to summer including the heat, being with my step-father all day or his parents, my birthday and the pattern of my becoming more symptomatic. Both of my hospitalizations were in the summer and although I don't want to go that route, if I need to I will. But, I don't think that I need to except for sometimes that safe environment sounds good. And, I've been feeling really hopeless.I hope the increase of my Effexor XR is helpful. I'm still waking up with the thought of I want to or I need to die. We are also connecting my current feeling with that being the way I felt growing up. *Sigh*

I had a really happy thing happen too on Friday. One of my blog buddies called and we spoke for almost two hours. I don't recall doing that since I was a teen well maybe a 20-something. Well, it has been over 20 years except for a few times with my therapist, but he doesn't count. I had a great time talking to this person and it was helpful to talk serious and laugh instead of emailing or posting comments. Immediate feedback!! I really had a good time. I just found out that we have unlimited long distance calling, so I can call this person too.

I didn't do anything else on that day except for try to figure out EntreCard and relaxed. However, the PTSD kicked in really badly in the evening with the fireworks, but my husband just laid by my side and stroked my hair as I curled up next to him...very nice and comforting...good trick to cuddle, huh? I hope you had a good one.


Spin Original said...

Wow, Clueless, sounds like things are pretty difficult right now. I am proud of you for working through what comes up. Just feel what you feel. If you need to sob, then do so. My friend once told me to "grieve until it's all gone." I think about that often.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

"grieve until it's all gone."
I like that.


Anonymous said...

Something struck me here, this is another time I've heard of survivors having a difficult time during the spring or summer. I wonder why that is? I seem to be an all season type of depressed and anxious PTSD driven survivor but I've been seeing that some have more difficulty during the warmer months.


April_optimist said...

Flashbacks are tough. With them come back all the emotions we felt at the time. It's hard to learn to separate the emotions of then from the emotions of now. And yeah, summers were tough. No escape to school. Fewer clothes to protect. One of the things that helped me was to find clothes and jewelry I loved that I couldn't/didn't have as a child and wear them to remind me that this was NOW not then and that NOW I could be happy and have pretty things in my life. NOW I could make choices and be kind to myself. Big ((((hugs)))).

Clueless said...

@p.j. Thanks for being proud of me. "grieve until it's all gone." *sigh, good grief!* I know you are right, but it really sucks. Thank you for the prayers.

@austin. Yeah, she is right! I'm giving you my squinty eyes. Hmmm...that summer thing is interesting. Need to think about it more.

@april. You know optimist really fits. The clothing and no school makes a lot of sense. I like what you do now. Does that mean, I can go on a spending spree? Huh, huh, can I? Thank you for the hug!!! (((hug back)))

j said...

You are getting through -- despite the flashbacks and terror, the feelings of hopelessness. You will continue to get through. I know it.

Clueless said...

Thank you, Jennifer for the cheerleading. Deep down, I too know I'll get through because I know I am tenacious and a fighter. But, it is such a difficult process.

Anonymous said...

Glad you got to talk it out with a friend. That rocks =)

Sorry you're doing it so tough at the moment, CC. I'm so impressed by your determination. I always am.

Austin mentions grieving, and it sure sounds like that's the process you're going through. It's just so much to process, and it's slow, right?
I know it is for me or can seem that way. The summer can be so damn long. Some people treasure that feeling of it being endless but for some of us it wasn't anywhere near a good thing most of the time.

Anonymous said...

Dear Clueless,

Summer is a really rough month for me also. I don't have PTSD, but the heat combined with the need to be indoors with artificial climate control really gets me down. Sometimes I find myself running the a/c and having the window open for fresh air at the same time -- a utility bill nightmare.

I'm so glad you had a positive lengthy blog buddy conversation if that is something you needed. I haven't talked on the phone for that length of time since high school. I tend to avoid the phone. Sounds like you have a kind and supportive husband.

Sorry you are going through such a rough time lately. ((Big Hug))PR

Tempy said...

I am really proud of you for making it through this holiday. It can be so overwhelming when traditions are linked to trauma. Take care :-)

Clueless said...

@CK. Thank you. Sometimes, I tell my therapist that my determination is actually stupidity. No, he doesn't let me get away with calling myself stupid...unless he is teasing me.

I think this whole healing process is about grieving. Same stages. S-L-O-W is right. And if it is done for the long-term it is slow.

Hmmm...summer. I don't think it has much to do with the heat or weather. I live in Southern California so the weather is within a certain range...no real seasons, except for the summer is really hot...sometimes.

Oh, blog buddy telephone conversation...very cool.

@Thank you Precious. I have to use AC and I like it, so that is good. I know, I'll get through this, but when does it end?

@tempy. Thanks! I wonder how your evening went? I guess I'll read your blog tomorrow.

Unknown said...

interesting, I was hospitalized in the summer as well...that was two years ago. July 11, 2006 to be exact.

Now that I think about it, summers are usually the worst part of the year for me. Hmmmm... I had never really consciously realized that I dont think?? I do know the heat is AWFUL for me. I dont have PTSD issues ...well, my trauma group therapist would likely disagree but I am bipolar. I will research this.

"grieve until it's all gone" -- I like that too.

Clueless said...

I do wonder what hospitalization statistics are on that? It is very interesting.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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