PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 2-6, 2005 ~ On Vacation

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (Current commentary in purple.)

[Well, after all the anticipation Geoffrey goes on vacation out of town for four days. He admits that it isn't good timing and this will be the first one where he will not be calling from where he is on vacation to check on me. At the beginning of this second go around, he even called from Canada twice. But, I was in a much more unstable place. Even, so this one is really tough...obviously. Plus, at this point, I was talking to him on the telephone at least one time during the weekend. Being that he just went out of town and that I handled it well really shows me how far I've come.]

I'm feeling really sad that I'm not going to see you or be able to talk to you. I felt like crying this week, but I think I numbed out at the beginning and then I just shut it down. I really don't want you to go and am already missing you.

I'm also really wanting to bruise and am a little angry that I asked for the contract. Also, feel a little sager that you wrote one. I also really don't like the way that it is written...makes me feel bad.

[The bruising is a way of saying that I am angry and in pain. I asked for a contract for not harming myself including self-injury because I take contracts really seriously, so this was to insure that I would not do anything while he was gone, even so I ended up feeling bad.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The card really touched me and made me tear up...helped me feel connected and cared about. [In advance, he had given my husband cards, one to give to me each day he was gone. My husband would put them in a different place every morning. I was a fantastic surprise.] Had a really full day with my husband. Way too much traffic and feel like I did too much, but I think being busy helped. Kept thinking about bruising and wanting to now. But, it helps to read everything.

The way the contract is written really bothers me, so I think I'll stop reading it. I know what is says and I plan to keep my promises. Actually, the cards help the most...today's especially. I liked the hug part. My husband gave me a hug instead. The tape helps too, as does the mug, and pillow. [I have a micro cassette recorder with messages from him and whenever he goes away I take home his coffee mug with his name. Last week, when he was gone was the first time that I did not need the mug!! Hooray!]

The last thing, I do is listen to the tape. Sometimes, I really listen to the words other times your voice is just soothing and comforting. Sometimes, I fall asleep before it ends. It is a good thing that it doesn't wake me up when it shuts off. I am apprehensive about going to work tomorrow. I really miss you and am trying really hard to stay connected to you. Thanks for trying on your end...it helps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cards really surprised me and made me feel good. Feels good to know you care and that I can allow myself to feel that. I have all three cards on my desk today. However, the thoughts are really loud, but these things help to keep me grounded and centered and quiet things a bit. I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious...panicky I can't wait for the day to be over. I really miss you and hope that you are having a good time.

The cards really mean a lot to me. They are very important. Thank you. It means even more because there was forethought and pre-planning on your part. And, as difficult as it was to just ask you for a card, it was well worth it to just tell you what I wanted. Amazes me how difficult that is for me even for seemingly small things.

Tonight the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to hurt myself is really loud. I want so much to injure myself. [Defense against feeling good, missing him and being angry that he is gone and ungrounded. He helps to ground me like a mother does to their child.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday was really difficult. I kept getting angry with my husband. I was really feeling bad that I was missing you and liked the cards. I felt on edge all day. Partly, I think, I was anxious about the concert which went well it was quiet and our box was not full. I took my PRNs four times Saturday.

Today, I was really tired and got up late. I was frustrated with trying to work, so asked my husband to take me to the Nordstrom sale. It helped. Then, I was able to work.

Both yesterday and today the wanting to bruise has been loud, but not as loud as last weekend. I think, the cards have really helped along with the tape. However, the thoughts have been intrusive, even during the concert and shopping.

I can feel myself getting a little excited and feel bad about that. Then, I try to shut down and start to think that you aren't coming back or it isn't a big deal. Little angry about the cards because they were very helpful. Helped to quiet or stop the projections. [Angry at myself for needing them. Also, preemptive strike (defense), just in case he doesn't come back.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 31, 2005 ~ Self-injury continues

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey,

Today, I felt out of control and on auto pilot. I bruised in the morning and in the afternoon. I felt so much calmer. I really need to stop and I really intended to keep my promises. They really did matter to me. It was like I just wasn't aware of what I started to do and then, I didn't care and continued.

[At this point in time, I am still working full time and getting further behind and stressed. However, I am having difficulty focusing because I keep thinking of harming myself. At the end of every session, I promise not to do anything. It was good that when I did that he believed I meant what I said, but wasn't able to follow through. My addiction to self-injury is beginning to interfere with work.]

I'm feeling really bad which I guess is part of the purpose. [Projecting onto myself and acting out the internalized "I am bad."] During part of it, I flashed back to doing the same thing as a teenager and junior high school. Then, it seemed like I would just find myself hitting with the wooden spoon out of the kitchen. Felt so ashamed, then and now. Also, felt confused.

[When I was growing up, NOBODY talked or knew about self injury. It was kind of like I dissociated and then found my self hitting and couldn't stop. With the flashback and the frequency, I am in trouble. I know that hospitalization was discussed, but I didn't want it and he wasn't pushing the issue. Now, I really appreciate the position that he was in because I did need hospitalization, but he knew that he needed my cooperation otherwise it wouldn't be helpful. He took a risk and I am grateful.]

I guess, I'm just having difficulty with allowing myself to feel. But, hurting myself is really comforting, calming and soothing. [Which is how it began as a child. It was how I taught myself how to comfort, calm and sooth myself. It also reenacted my own abuse which is part of how I dealt with it.] But, I know I need to stop.

When I spoke with you on the telephone with you yesterday it did help to reduce my anxiety about seeing you tonight. And, I really intended to keep my promises.

Panic is the primary feeling that I feel when I think about you leaving or even being connected to you. So much anxiety. Felt good to be somewhat numb. I also feel like crying. Feels like I'm trying to hold it together by myself.

The panic is really familiar, but I'm not sure when I felt this. It feels like I need to die or I'm going to die. This is a different kind of panic than my everyday panic. It has other elements and feels more intense. I wonder when I felt like this because it is familiar, but I can't identify when. [What I think now is that it was being emotionally abandoned at a very young age which is how and infant would feel. Also, and infant would feel rage which is related to my self-injury. So, Geoffrey going on vacation triggers all this because he is my primary attachment.]

I'm feeling a little out of control. Maybe, it is just that I'm hurt, angry, really scared and feel bad. Seems like there is more, but I don't know what. [This particular vacation, which is only a week, is triggering lots of abandonment issues and I am behaviorally acting out my distress all over the place. I've come a long way from doing all of this, but it is still really difficult. This was hard to rewrite as I remember the pain I was in.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~October 29 & 30, 2005~Anticipating Therapist's Vacation

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable with all of you. I guess, in general I'm feeling vulnerable. But, I am hesitant to share my journal again. I feel like I did when I first started doing so. Talking about my eating disorder really kicked stuff up. But here goes...

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey,

I guess, I've felt detached from you and from me today. Felt like I was just going through the motions of leaving messages, listening to the tape, reading, praying, etc...

I woke up and went to bed last night with the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to bruise. I bruised this evening. I didn't intend to actually leave a mark, but, I think, I hit harder than I knew I was as it didn't hurt while doing it...really disconnected. Now, I don't want to leave a message because I know that I'll tell you I bruised. I really didn't expect to hit as hard as I did.

I just really feel bad today and really anxious. I think, I went into the I don't care mode. I do feel calmer and numb. But, I also feel bad and disconnected from you. I just really want to hurt myself. I really intended to keep my promises to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I bruised this morning. Kind of badly, but it really felt good to be calmer and numb for awhile. But, then I got really anxious about seeing you tomorrow and my projections started to get loud, so I called.

I'm glad you called back. It helped with my anxiety about tomorrow and helped me to feel reconnected to you. I had tried writing, but had difficulty, read the notes, listened to the tape, left messages, tried to distract by playing computer games.

But, I got into the place where nothing mattered except for hurting myself. I actually really wanted to cut, but didn't want to go out as I prefer razors and didn't have any. Also, the wanting to bruise was almost as loud...not much difference.

Also, having difficulty with feeling bad and what you said on the phone about making it a big deal just made me feel worse. I know that was not your intent. You even prefaced what you said. I'm really trying to hang onto the other things you said.

You also said something about it being my way of saying, "I'm angry." I really don't feel angry, right now. Probably, numbed out.

I really do not want to push you away even though the impulse is to do so. Feels safer and protective if I push you away.

I know that I'm angry with myself and feel bad because I don't want you to go and feel like I need you. This time I really feel overwhelmed and panicked. Also, realizing how much you help to keep me grounded and centered. I'm really feeling chaotic and disorganized. Really having difficulty feeling like I'm going to be okay that nothing horrible is going to happen. Sometimes, feels like I'm going to die or need to die.

Also, got a little angry at my husband because he said that he might stay home next Saturday instead of working partly for me because you are going to be out of town. Feels like I just want to push everyone including me away.

Feels like I keep almost having a panic attack. Just at the beginning where I feel it in my body. Felt overwhelmed by my the call regarding Thanksgiving and what to bring. My husband said that he would help.

I really don't want to go. Feel like crying. Sometimes, I'm sure you're not coming back. It is like I have to make that reality. I even start to wonder how I would find another therapist or if I would continue.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm bad and that's why your leaving. Or that you don't care about how I feel. I know this isn't true, but I have trouble hanging on to especially when you are gone.

Also, having difficulty with what we've been talking about with my mother and step-father. You are right the sadism and violence are hard for me to accept. Feels like a fight inside. Also, difficult is the frequency, my feelings and that it still happens.

Observations: My borderline thinking and behavior was really active trying to defend against my feeling abandoned with Geoffrey going on vacation. At this point, he is my primary good attachment, so when he goes I have difficulty with staying connected to myself and grounded.

Reactive Brain = Mind Rhetoric

I was debating on whether to add another past journal entry or to write about my brain. My brain sounded like the better way to go. Or is it that my brain told me...is it taking over? It already has control. Okay, rambling now.

Since I talked about my eating disorder with my therapist on Friday, I have all these negative thoughts running through my head. It is just rhetoric, thoughts I've always had. Thoughts that come after I share something where I feel vulnerable or something I am ambivalent about. We all have them. Some more than others.

Part of mine is a normal response and the other part has to do with internalizing all of what was told to me growing up and what I had to tell myself to emotionally survive. Either way, it interferes with talking more. However, pulling back after being vulnerable is normal. I told my therapist that I just felt naked before him. I'm also in Salvador Dali land still.

I think, that it is also defensive, so that I don't have to deal with what I shared because I really have mixed feelings. I don't want help and I do want help and it feels better. Yet, I still do not want to give up my control which is an illusion...it is controlling me.

Yet, the thoughts continue. Like I said before we all have them and it generally interferes with those of us who have been abused. Perhaps, you hear them too. They are automatic. Mine go something like this, "I isn't that bad. I shouldn't have said anything. It isn't a problem. I can handle it on my own. I don't need help. I'm fine. I don't know why I brought it up in the first place. I'm just being dramatic. I don't really have a problem. I'm just trying to make one up for attention." The thoughts go on...

I also think that it is my way of beginning to process what I told my therapist on Friday. Talking directly about something that has been like an elephant in the living room since I began seeing him was a big step. So, now I want to retreat back and pretend it didn't happen at all. Our minds learn to do funny things.

"Soft Watch at the Moment of First Explosion" ~ 1954

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October, 28, 2005 ~ Abandonment!!

I think that it is ironic that where I am in my past journal entries is almost exactly three years ago. Some of it seems recent and others seem so long ago. It has also been a long time since I posted a past entry as there has been so much current process and then my surgery. The last journal entry was on October 2nd for the date October 27, 2005.

When we last peeked in at CC's past, her therapist had announced that he was going on vacation. CC and her therapist were trying to talk about attachment. In CC's own words, let's return to the story...

Yes, my poor attempt at making this a drama. It actually is more like a dramady. Anyway, in my journal I continued to write and discuss in therapy my attachment to my therapist. This meant borderline abandonment fears go amok, again!!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY:

October 28, 2005

Geoffrey,

Most of me really doesn't want to disconnect from you because it is really painful to feel. It really scares me sometimes when there is a disconnect between us because it feels like it will never be repaired which, I guess, is where I go sometimes. Then, I feel hopeless and it gets loud and nothing matters...I don't matter.

I'm feeling really panicked about you leaving and really want to push away. Feels like I'm going away. Feeling really sensitive to what you say and do and everything you say can easily throw me into "I'm bad." Feeling "bad" anyway...so much remember feeling bad all the time. Feel like crying now.

Feels so chaotic and disorganized and terrified...feels like you are leaving for good that I'll never see you again. Feels like I'm being punished. Never should have let you in to begin with. Really want to die and hurt myself.

The feeling like I'm going to die and the suicidal thoughts are really loud...even had thoughts of walking into traffic. Remember thinking that a lot growing up, there was that boulevard and this one or that one. Just wanting to die...wanting to cry.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to make one of us not real or not exist. But, I really don't want to detach from you. It just makes it more painful. My stomach hurts. I think, I'm feeling really anxious, almost panicky. My chest and throat hurt, feel lightheaded and my hands start to tingle.

I remember feeling this way growing up and even now. Then, I just would go away or numb out. I remember staring out the car window feeling like this.

Sometimes, I wonder if it matters to you that you going away is so difficult for me, but I know that you care, just hard to hang onto sometimes. I feel like crying, but I'd rather be angry at you that feels just a bit more like I have control.

So much, goes on inside when you leave and it is like I need to make you not exist, but then I end up not existing and the thoughts just spiral.

The object constancy thing is really difficult. My head knows one thing, but my feelings are, so different.

I'm feeling really bad and sensitive. Last night, I was a little sensitive to when you would laugh. And, I've been getting frustrated with my supervisor, but, I think, I have reason to be, but I'm having difficulty asserting myself with her. She said that I assured her that I had already scheduled an intake; however, in our last two conversations, she told me to hold off until she could discuss it with her supervisor. She was insistent that she was right, but I know she wasn't . The other situation is her questioning me on things that we have already discussed that are not clear cut as to where to go because of conflicting goals and other issues. I can't do anything, yet and it feels like I'm supposed to have already fixed it.

I think, in someways it reminds me of my mother telling me one thing or backing me up. Only to side with my step-father and discount or deny what she told me either by her words or actions.

I'm feeling really jumpy and things seem so loud around me. The suicidal thoughts and plans and the wanting to cut and bruise are extremely loud.

Talking about my mother this week has been really difficult. Makes my heat hurt. Makes me feel sad. I keep wanting to tell you that it wasn't that bad. And, another part wants to talk about how bad it was and how horrible I felt all the time.

I really don't want to push you away, but my first and strongest impulse is to disconnect from you or me, make neither one of us exist. Feeling just seems so overwhelming.

Mostly, feel anxious and want to cry. I'm not really feeling that much anger. My disconnecting and pushing you away is based in fear, anxiety and not wanting to cry. But, I feel like I need to and it isn't necessarily about you leaving, but some of it is. When, I think, about you leaving or even this weekend when I don't see you, I feel panic.

Observations: I have quite a bit, but I'm too tired to write them. Sorry. I will say that this past week when my therapist was on vacation that I stayed connected to myself for the most part before, during and after. I also didn't make him "pay."

Psalm 4:8 ~ Worship in Scripture!

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." ~ Psalm 4:8

Always remember that my safety is in You!

Opening Up & Feeling Surreal

Yesterday's therapy session was intense. I'm not quite feeling up to opening up more, so in a nutshell (Pecans, please)...My name is CC. I have an eating disorder. For more than 30 years, I thought I had control, didn't have to ever talk about it and could handle it on my own. I can't. I feel better when I share it with my therapist. I am scared. I cried. Everything felt surreal afterward. Then, a slide show of Salvador Dali paintings went through my head. Came home picked out some favorites. Here they are!

The Persistence of Memory ~ 1931

The Eye ~ 1945

Galatea of the Spheres ~ 1952


Still Life - Fast Moving ~ 1956

Angry Because I Feel Out Of Control!!!

Yesterday, toward the end of session, I realized that I'm feeling angry.

I'm angry that...

• I had to have surgery
• there are minor complications
• the recovery is so uncomfortable
• I can't sleep
• I'm tired
• Feel overwhelmed
• I can't lose more weight
• I can't fit into my clothes
• lack motivation to exercise
• I'm in therapy
• that it is taking so long
• that I've had so many surgeries
• need medications
• I still can't do the things I used to
• I have major depression
• I have PTSD
• I have tendencies for BPD
• I don't have control over the flashbacks
• people have lost touch with me even when I try
• I have such a hard time letting the good stuff in
• I feel out of control with my body

This all leads me to a dangerous place that I don't like talking about which is my eating disorder. Even though, I'm slightly overweight. I've become focused on losing weight and frustrated that not eating isn't helping. I actually, became angry that my husband stayed home because he put structure into meal times. I probably wouldn't have eaten if I were by myself. My thoughts are really focused on losing weight and scrutinizing everything that I eat.

I know that it is because I am feeling out of control with my body especially. It is back to feeling like my body has betrayed me. Which is what I say when I talk about my sexual abuse. But, it really isn't a problem if I lose weight at this point and I don't plan to bring it do a dangerous level. I am becoming really focused on food. I need to ask, "am I in danger?" My answer is, "no."

Appointment with my surgeon! OUCH!!

I really am tired of this thing taking up my time, but I just need to go with the flow. I had been in increasing pain since the weekend and the area in my armpit was actually swelling quite a bit. So, yesterday was my appointment with the surgeon. He looked at it and said that it had to be drained. 27 cc of fluid were taken out of my armpit!! That is a lot of fluid. It is called seroma. Then, he put dressing on it including tape...no, not the tape. Due to the drainage and the dressing, I am in pain. I took a Vicodin last night. I can take it off, but I have to keep putting dressing on to apply pressure to the area until next Wednesday, so that it doesn't fill up again. Sigh!!!

Feeling overwhelmed as next week, I have doctor appointments which are difficult to schedule for dental cleaning, allergist and surgeon. This is in addition to my four therapy schedules. I'm feeling like it is a bit too much. I just feel so tired. I'm not sleeping well because I am uncomfortable.

Anyway, here is some humor from Gary Larson's Far Side that I hope will bring me some cheer as I'm just want this to be over! I hope you enjoy it too!!

Short Update

I'm going to take it easy this week. However, next week, I will delve back into my past journal entries.

UPDATE:

1. benign, non-cancerous

2. see therapist today after his vacation

3. see surgeon for follow up

4. auto accident settlement much higher than I anticipated

5. received an early Christmas gift of jewelry...oooh!!

6. tired and glad to be back

THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!

'Arte Y Pico Award ' award by Melindaville

The Melindaville Blog (Wild Women Don't Die - They Simply Die Their Hair) has honored Clinically Clueless blog with the 'Arte Y Pico Award'.

Melinda's blog is an excellent example of the meaning of this award. She is a former actress, sex-industry worker, musician and heroin addict who has been in recovery for going on 15 years. Today, she is an online professor of psychology currently writing her memoir, ‘lost & found’, detailing her compelling journey. She is open and gutsy honest about her process of writing and revisiting her past.

'Arte Y Pico Award' is given to five blogs (at a time) based on their creativity, design, interest of content, and contribution to the blogging community, regardless of language. To learn more about this award, click here. Part of the honor of receiving this award is passing along the award to other blogs that speak to my heart. Here are my five recipients of the award and in no particular order.

Change Therapy ~ making lives better, making better lives by Isabella Mori.

Into the Rabbit Hole by Ash

Mental Health Blog by Meg

Giggle On by Christa

justAna by Ana

Storied Mind by John D.

Be Very Afraid...I'm B-A-C-K!!!

Well, I am going to start blogging again before I lose all my readers. Just kidding. First, I want to thank everyone for such an over-whelming display of support, prayers and thoughts. I have been very peaceful throughout the process since I met the surgeon. Unusually, so. My Christian faith has a big roll in it, but I know it is also what you guys did. I really felt good to have so many people thinking about me.

The surgery went smoothly. I don’t have the pathology report yet, but will find out what it is on Wednesday afternoon and I will let you know. Pain yes…Vicodin good, but last dose was on Friday. So a bit more pain, but tolerable. The most difficult part is that I am allergic to bandage adhesive, even the paper type. So, all around the perimeter of my underarm is this horrible redness with small blisters that opened and it itches like crazy!! I’ve never had such a bad reaction. It looks worse than the incision. I guess, the underarm skin is much more sensitive than the rest of the body, duh!!

My husband stayed home from Wednesday (surgery) through Friday, so today is the first day I’m at home alone. I let my husband pamper me. Surgery and my husband being home was a good distraction from my therapist being gone. I really miss him and that is normal and not bad. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and then my therapist on Wednesday.

Over the weekend, I had my hair cut while I almost fell asleep due to medications. I’m not sure I like my haircut. I like it, but I keep wondering if I look like a boy. It is one of those boy-chic for girls look. My husband thinks I look cute with it…but he is biased!!

Other exciting things, I won flowers at the GO! Smell the Flowers site for my words of inspiration about the world heading into a recession. In case, you missed it I am a guest writer there and having a great time. So far, I’ve written two articles, one is GO! Step Outside Your Comfort Zone and the second is GO! Ask for Support . I’ll start writing at least one time per week beginning Wednesday. Please take a look because you will see a different side of me. Plus, it is a really, really good site, but you just have to jump in with your comments.

Taking a Break!!

I am having outpatient surgery Wednesday under general anesthesia to remove what is believed to be a lipoma which is benign, but there is a very slight chance that it will be something that is malignant. They won’t know until it is taken out and tested.

According to the MayoClinc website, “a lipoma is a slow-growing, fatty tumor situated between your skin and the underlying muscle layer. Often a lipoma is easy to identify because it moves readily with slight finger pressure. It's doughy to touch and usually not tender. You could have several that persist for years. Lipomas can occur at any age, but they're most often detected in middle age.”

Did they say middle age? I am not middle age…wait how old is that…oh, maybe I am. I digress and I warned you remember! The tumor is a bit large and deep, so it may be involved in my nerves and vascular system. It could take 15 minutes to a little over an hour. I like my surgeon and my physician of 18 years will be the admitting physician at the hospital where I have had four of my six surgeries which were mostly sinus related. So, I’m feeling good about who and the place.

I am feeling strangely peaceful about this which is not my normal style. I have been feeling this way since I saw the surgeon. I know some has to do with my faith in God, my husband and my support system. Also, that it most likely just needs to be removed. I’m not sure when I’ll be posting again it depends on how I recover and stop needing pain medications. If I’m up to it, I may read and post comments for which I am not responsible for anything I say due to the narcotic prescribed medications.

I will be back soon with a little less fat under my arm. :-)

"Who Am I" ~ Casting Crowns ~ "Worship in Handmime!"

"Who Am I?"
(written and sung by Casting Crowns)

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,

But because of who you are,

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

The Photo MEME

I got this one from Immi at MigraineChow.com . If you want to do it, go for it because I am not tagging anyone. This one is fun, but I didn't follow the rules. I didn't realize it until I was done. Mostly, I did, but some of the pictures were on the second or third page. I am very good at doing a detailed search for what I want.

A) Answer the questions below, do a Google Image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, and do it with minimal words of explanation. B) Tag 5 other people to do the same once you’ve finished answering every question.

1. Age you will be on you next birthday

2. A place you want to travel

3. Your favorite place


4. Your favorite food


5. Your favorite pet

6. Your favorite color combination

7. Your favorite piece of clothing
8. Your favorite television show
9. First name of your significant other

10. Town in which you live

11. Your first job

12. Your dream job

13. A bad habit you have

14. Your worst fear
15. What you'd like to do before you die

31 Things About Me Meme

I volunteered to be tagged by JIP of life spacings for this meme, called 31 Things. I am not tagging anyone, but if you would like to participate you know the routine and if you don’t please ask.

1. Where is your cell phone? on the table next to me

2. Your significant other? husband

3. Your hair? my own

4. Your mother? who?

5. Your father? what is that?

6. Your favorite thing? my Bible

7. Your dream last night? nightmare

8. Your favorite drink? coffee

9. Your dream/goal? become a clinical psychologist/write a book about my life

10. The room you’re in? dining room/office

11. Your hobby? baking

12. Your fear? abandonment

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? out of therapy

14. What you’re not? conventional

15. Muffins? homemade blueberry or cranberry

16. One of your wish list items? peace on Earth

17. Where you grew up? Los Angeles County

18. The last thing you did? sent email

19. What are you wearing? that is private...why do you think I blog

20. Favorite gadget? computer

21. Your pets? stuffed animals (dogs mostly)

22. Your computer? my friend...I need to get out more

23. Your mood? huh?

24. Missing someone? yes

25. Your car? working

26. Something you’re not wearing? bra/I hate them

27. Favorite store? Nordstrom

28. Like someone? lots of someones

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? secret

Surprise!!! GO! Smell the flowers!!

Please click image below!!!

"Good job & proud ~ I’m bad & nothing is good"

In today’s session, I was really fragmenting and everything I heard from my therapist I perceived a criticism or felt bad. Four things are happening that I would automatically fragment from that are happening now are my slideshow, session last night with my husband, therapist going on vacation, and surgery. Lack of sleep doesn’t help either.

I already wrote about Monday and the slideshow already. Well, last night, I had my session with my husband and I did a really good job of telling him some of the things that happened in the garage. I even continued talking on the way home and cuddled with him at night. It went really well and my husband said that it helped him to understand why I react the way I do.

This morning I woke up numb and couldn’t figure out what I was thinking or feeling. In session, I kept fragmenting. I realized that I was depressed because I didn’t want to feel anything; however, when I would say that I would begin to tear up. I also stated that I felt good to just sit next to my therapist and watch the slideshow together and feel safe. My therapist also pointed out that I have a difficult time hanging on to anything good, so lets do the borderline dance. Push everything good away, discount it, and make me bad. Instead of saying, “I’m proud of the work I did in the past two days and I did a good job!” The tug of war has begun in my head. I don’t want to be me today…my head hurts.

(Until after my surgery, I am going to try to keep this light and maybe talk about current stuff only...nothing too deep...taking care of me!)

I Don't Feel Like Writing A Post!!

Well, I don't!! I have no motivation today to write a post. Last week, zapped me of my energy, so did this weekend and lack of sleep. Well, you already heard about last week if not you can read it. Then, I completed the Retaliation slideshow which is really disturbing to me and I watched it with my therapist today. I started to go away and fragment afterward, but I was able to speak with tonight once I stopped fragmenting, so much.

That was helpful because I need to feel reconnect to me and to him in order to handle my session tomorrow evening with my husband where I am going to tell him more about the sexual abuse in the garage. I just hope I show up. That is the goal that I am trying to focus on...just show up, be present, don't go away, don't fragment, don't dissociate before I even start talking. Just simply be and be present. Sounds simple, but it isn't in practice.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am going to tell him what has been going on. This will include that I am not sleeping well. For the past several weeks, I have only been sleeping two to three hours at night. And for the past four nights, I have been sleeping two hours or less than I am up for the day and take a nap around 2 pm or 3 pm. I tried to stay up and not take naps, but then I still only slept the short amount of time.

Two weeks ago, my psychiatrist said that it had to do with the emotional work that I was doing in my therapy and the accompanying flashbacks/nightmares. I start getting into the deeper REM, dreaming sleep, and I have a nightmare and wake up. I am beginning to feel sleep deprived. However, there are no more medications to add. Last time, he felt it was temporary...sigh!!! I'm frustrated. I guess, I did want to write a post about what is going on currently...I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally...need sleep!!!

Vengeance & Homicidal Rage Fantasies!!!

Warning!!! Trigger Warning!!! Warning!!!

This slideshow contains graphic images of homicidal fantasies that are gory, bloody and disturbing. Do not continue if you do not want to see these images!!

You could go to Courageous Steps and read a poem that really resonated with me that was written by Mary from Nippercat's Home or see some of my fingerpainting that has not been posted here on Clinically Clueless.

Samaritan's Purse Providing International Relief!!

I wanted to tell you about the causes and charities that I support. Well, on my side bar there are only three, so this is the second of three explanations. Samaritan's Purse was introduced to me through Operation Shoebox which is explained below. That was, so much fun and makes such a difference in children's lives. I also believe that the money donated is used primarily for helping others and not for overhead.

They are involved in relief and development which included hurricane Ike, hurricane assistance in Louisiana, Haiti's recovery from the storms, Children's heart project, HIV/AIDS Prescription for Hope, World Medical Mission, and that only names a few things that Samaritan's Purse provides assistance. To find out more click on any of the pictures or links to see their website.

Operation Christmas Child brings joy and hope to children in desperate situations around the world through gift-filled shoe boxes and the Good News of God’s love. Since 1993, more than 61 million shoe boxes have been packed, shipped, and delivered across the globe. People of all ages can be involved in this simple, hands-on missions project while focusing on the true meaning of Christmas—Jesus Christ.

The story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37) gives a clear picture of God's desire for us to help those in desperate need wherever we find them. After describing how the Samaritan rescued a hurting man whom others had passed by, Jesus told His hearers, "Go and do likewise."

For over 35 years, Samaritan's Purse has done our utmost to follow Christ's command by going to the aid of the world's poor, sick, and suffering. We are an effective means of reaching hurting people in countries around the world with food, medicine, and other assistance in the Name of Jesus Christ. This, in turn, earns us a hearing for the Gospel, the Good News of eternal life through Jesus Christ.

Our emergency relief programs provide desperately needed assistance to victims of natural disaster, war, disease, and famine. As we offer food, water, and temporary shelter, we meet critical needs and give people a chance to rebuild their lives. Our community development and vocational programs in impoverished villages and neighborhoods help people break the cycle of poverty and give them hope for a better tomorrow.We impact the lives of vulnerable children through educational, feeding, clothing, and shelter programs that let them know they are not forgotten.

We provide first-class treatment in the Name of the Great Physician through our medical projects, as well as supplying mission hospitals with much needed equipment and supplies.As our teams work in crisis areas of the world, people often ask, "Why did you come?" The answer is always the same: "We have come to help you in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ." Our ministry is all about Jesus—first, last, and always. As the Apostle Paul said, "For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake" (2 Corinthians 4:5, NIV).

I am not asking you to give, but just to take a look at what Samaritan's Purse is doing to help the USA and abroad. Just click the name and away you go!!

Anyone addicted to caffeine?

I found this on the Go! Smell the Flowers site. I highly recommend it. It is a community that can discuss anything, but generally stays in the realm of inspiration, health, fun, travel, books, and media. I visit there at least one time per day. I really recommend checking it out for about a week to get a feel of it and just jump right in on any of the topics or discussions. Some get very interesting and some are just funny.

I think, I'm backwards on this because I tend to wake up willing to kill for my first morning cup and get depressed as I have none in the evening.

My Week ~ defenses, rage, flashbacks & surgery!

I want to apologize to everyone because the past couple of weeks, I’ve been really inconsistent in reading blogs, making comments and responding to comments. I’ve been preoccupied with a tumor in my right underarm. Monday, I finally had my appointment with the surgeon in which I became very angry. I had my husband with me because with what I’m doing in therapy, I didn’t want anyone touching me. Makes it hard for one to do an examination. Anyway, when I made the appointment a week and a half previous to the appointment, I was told that they accept my insurance and that the doctor worked out of the hospital that I wanted to go to.

I had the new patient forms mailed to me, so that I could fill them out at home. First flag, they had the last page of a Notice of Privacy Policy (NPP) which was barely readable and obviously over copied and tilted about 45 degrees with no front pages. Second flag, NPP form is no longer valid as privacy policies need to adhere to HIIPA regulations which post dates all of their forms.

Arrived at the office, gave the front desk my forms and they asked for the co-pay. I told her that there is no co-pay for an out-of-network provider. So, I asked, “Is the doctor an in-network provider.” Answer, “Well, I don’t know if we accept your insurance?” Reply, “Can you check?” Answer, “No, that is what you should have done before your appointment.” Okay at this point my blood pressure is rising. For those of you who don’t know, the office is supposed to verify benefits prior to your appointment. After some lengthy conversations and my husband calling our insurance company who said the office should know and they would have more updated records. The office person basically kept saying that it was the patient’s responsibility to pay and that there was no way for her to check eligibility.

Second issue is the privacy policy. I asked for the first page and her face dropped (obviously it has been lost for sometime) and she referred me to a two page outdated letter from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. I told her, “No I want the first part of what I was signing and this is just a letter. I want to see your HIIPA policies.” She became flustered and told the nurse that she could not deal with me. The “no personality” nurse with no interest in what I was saying, “just kept repeating that the letter is what they use.” I told her, “But, it is a letter giving you suggestions and does not meet HIIPA standards. I’m not even sure it is legal because it isn’t HIIPA.” Reply, “Well, that is all we have.”

In the meantime, while my husband was talking to the front desk. I called my doctor’s office and explained what was occurring and the office manager was appalled and gave me the name and telephone number of another surgeon who I called and made an appointment for Wednesday. I went back in at told her that since they cannot tell me whether they accept my insurance or not that I was going to go to another surgeon and that I wanted all of my file and that “you will not be charging me for this visit.” (24-hour cancellations fee thingy)

I basically did what I would have done for a client, but I was doing it for myself. My husband said that he was impressed because I was clear, to the point, and very calm…I was professional, but they were not. He was also angry. There was also a waiting room full of people who heard every word that we said. The moment the door closed and we were outside, I said, “Bitch!.” After all that, even though I know that the surgeon is excellent, it isn’t worth dealing with the front office and the “bitchy” nurse.

In the meantime, I’ve been dealing with my homicidal rage toward my step-father, flashbacks of what occurred in the garage, and flashbacks of the homicidal fantasies that I had during the abuse. And, I was not talking about it. So, basically I went into overwhelmed, fragmenting borderlineville and left a couple of really nasty messages on my therapist’s answering machine. He set some boundaries with me which were difficult and then, I had to deal with my reaction to that and him being slightly angry with me.

He said that he took care of his anger by expressing it to me as he felt that I could handle it now, so he was no longer angry. In my head, he was still angry and he was going to make me “pay.” Also, I still needed to do something because what he was telling me wasn’t the truth. Still not talking about the homicidal rage which is making my suicidal thoughts, wanting to injure myself, nightmares, waking up at 2am everyday, agitation, and hypervigilance increase (they are defenses against feeling the rage).

Then, I met with the new surgeon on Wednesday and everything was perfect even the parking. I really like the doctor and the front office and they are within HIIPA regulations. The tumor could be a lipoma, simply a fatty tissue mass, or another benign type of tumor or a cancerous one. After discussing the options, I decided that I want to have it completely removed. The surgeon then said, “Good, that is what I would have wanted to do.” So, I am having surgery on October 15 which is the main week that my therapist will be on vacation, so I’ll be focused on recuperating and sleeping lots. It works out good. (Oh, the new surgeon is going to discuss my experience with the other surgeon. This is good because I don’t want the doctor to get into trouble, but he needs to know what is going on.)

Today I have a 1 ½ hour session to talk about what I’ve been avoiding and we have a joint session with my husband scheduled for Tuesday to discuss what happened in the garage. This whole thing is beginning to really interfere in our relationship as I want to really hurt my husband (defense) and he doesn’t know what has happened in the garage. He respectfully doesn’t read my blog. I figured that instead of pushing him away and not talking about my flashbacks and what I want to do that I would have the joint session to hopefully open the way for me to let him be supportive and someone that I can talk to.

Needless to say, I’ve been having a really difficult time. I don’t feel scared about the surgery and wonder if God has given me some peace about it as normally I would be bouncing off the walls. Or, maybe I am and I’m not aware of it? Am I pushing it? Not really because I so need to talk. By not talking, I become more symptomatic and feel horrible. By talking, I might become more symptomatic, but feel relieved and increase my supports. Anyone want to trade places with me for a month or so? So, I hope you understand if I continue to be inconsistent for awhile as I am going up and down with what I can handle.

(Oh, for those of you that I usually correspond with via email. I'm sorry that I did not email you, but I am kinda pushing people that are close to me away right now...I'll get it together soon. I think? I hope you understand.)

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 27, 2005 ~ Borderline abandonment fears!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey ~

Okay, I'm still writing about attachment, but I don't like it!! I can feel myself trying to disconnect by not calling when I needed to both today and over the weekend. In my head, I tell myself it isn't a big deal, not life or death, but it does make everything much more difficult. I guess too it is a little bit out of anger. Trying to go away without since while your gone I'm going to need to anyway. [This is a preemptive maneuver on my part basically saying I don't need you. I'm angry...borderline abandonment anger and fragmenting. I wasn't doing very well]

Whenever you go away or sometimes on the weekends or between sessions when it is rough for me, I feel really panicky that you are not there for me. Sometimes, it feels kind of crazy, disorganized, overwhelming and like I can't ground myself. I'm not really sure what that means. I feel a little lost and terrified. Sometimes, I have more panic attacks. I can feel the panic now. [People with borderline personality have very little sense of self and use the outside world to contain them, so my feelings are a reaction to this particular state.]

At work, the training today, was on panic disorders which I really didn't learn anything, but I could identify with a lot of it. Thought about waking up last night in a panic...feeling terrified. I woke up with my mouth open trying to scream, but couldn't make any sound. Night terrors. [Yes, he also agreed that his timing was not very good.]

Observations: Borderline personality disorder abandonment panic!!!! And, "why don't I fall apart before you leave me, to prove that you are abandoning me in my time of need and don't care about me." Yes, having borderline personality can be so fun...not.

On ironic and good thing that came out of writing this past entry is that Geoffrey is going out of town in a couple of weeks. Although I am having difficulty and the same issues, I realized that my feelings are not as intense and I am handling it a lot better and don't feel as ungrounded. Hooray, I have more of ME!!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 26, 2005 ~ Attachment or Abandonment?

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

You asked me to write a little each day about attachment. Just the thought of it makes me really anxious and panicky. Feels like if I look at the issue that I'm going to die. Don't really want to look at it. Don't want to deal with your going away. Just want to ignore it. If I can detach and shut everything down, I'll be okay. But, not really, it just makes all the thoughts and really wanting to harm myself louder.

Feel almost terrified when I realise that I have attached to you. Feels panicky. Feels like it is bad and I have to make it go away. Feels like I need to go away and just disappear. Also, feel a lot of self-hatred that I have difficulty when you go away or even when I have difficulty over the weekends.

It's like you or I start not to exist. Then, nothing matters. And the thoughts and the urges get stronger and louder. The promises don't matter because no one matters and it feels like I need to die. It feels like I need to go to this place before you leave. I end up here eventually, but it seems to help numb my feelings and anger toward you for leaving. Terrified that you won't come back, (sometimes, sure that you won't) anger that it is difficult for me, anger that I allowed myself to become attached. Terrified of being detached. Feel bad for attaching, for making you important to me, and that you can affect me.

With you leaving for vacation. It feels like you are intentionally trying to hurt me. That you don't care. That, I don't matter to you. That nothing matters. I know it isn't true, but that's how it feels sometimes.

I really feel bad. Feel like crying. Feeling really panicked. Just want to die. Feeling angry. Really want to hurt myself. Feeling like I don't exist...nothing matters.

Observations: Simply: Borderline personality disorder abandonment fears!!!