Today's Anxiety ~ CSN concert!!

Before depression, whenever that was or maybe it is between depression (those little holes of light), normally I would be excited to day. I am going to see one of my favorite groups and one that is go see before they stop playing, die, or you wish they would stop playing because they don't sound good anymore. I am going to see Crosby, Stills and Nash (CSN). (I realize that many of you may not have heard of them.) I absolutely love them and the harmonies and have been to so many of their concerts that I lost count.

However, I have extremely bad allergies to fragrances and odors of any type. I've had five or six sinus surgeries and it has had a significant impact on my life where sometimes I have to leave just because of a fragrance someone is wearing or a hair product. Yes, it tends to isolate me more, but I have always been sensitive. It has been better since I stopped working. So, I always become anxious if I am going to have to battle that. At least it is an outdoor, theatre. I know that some of my allergies are because of the abuse...they became triggers.

The biggest anxiety is because (don't laugh, okay go ahead), I have severe reactions to marijuna. Now, marijuana and CSN concert are almost synonymous. As soon as the lights go off and the concert begins, it engulfs the venue. Well, it makes me nauseated to the point that sometimes well, I've...I'll spare you the details. I have figured out that it is a trigger as at my step-father's house there was incense and marijuana odors while being abused. I'm feeling especially vulnerable right now as this has been a really tough week and I am not doing so well. However, I'm pretty sure that I will have a good time, even though, I don't want to go now. It is a PRN day!!! Oh, and because of the time of when we get out of the concert I have to delay taking my medications...gained too much weight for my husband to assist me if I'm medicated. *SIGH* That is a whole other issue.

What Generation Do You Belong In?

I Belong in the Baby Boomer Generation according to the test which actually fits me very well. Now, have some fun and take the test and leave a comment with your results and how it applies/or not to you.

I Belong in the Baby Boomer Generation

You fit in best with people born between 1943 and 1960. You are optimistic, rebellious, and even a little self centered. You still believe that you will change the world. You detest authority and rules. Deep down, you're a non conformist.

What Generation Do You Belong In?

Matchbox 20 ~ "Unwell" acoustic

Dedicated to all of us diagnosed with mental illness.

Tears of anger, grief, comfort, & joy ~ Father's Day

I have always hated Father’s Day especially when James was around. Both my mother and James made it difficult for me. At the beginning, both insisted that I call him “Daddy,” which I adamantly refused…so I did have some fight in me that was never beaten or threatened out of me. Then, the same story of everyone getting angry at each other and I end up getting slapped, slugged or beaten for causing a fight or disobeying my mother. Eventually, she annually just bought a card and gift and made me sign the card and give it to him. I hated her for making me do this, but I still never called him, “Daddy.” The card was addressed to James and that is what I called him. He would accept the gift and usually like it, but would say to me things that made sure I knew I was not his family and he did not want me to be there.


I remember one Mother’s Day when my mother asked James why he didn’t give her a Mother’s Day card. He responded, “well, you never gave me any children, so you are not a mother to me.” I was really angry that he said something so mean to her and I went over and hugged her and told her Happy Mother’s Day, you will always be my mother. Makes me sick to think I said that to her knowing what I know now. My life was so confusing. Often times, I don’t think I understood what reality was and what was normal. Still don’t to some degree.

My biological father and mother divorced when I was 3 or 4. My father was really hypercritical of me. He also had some OCD issues that he expected the same detail in things that he did, from me. He criticized my mother in what she was teaching me and just how I was as a person. He criticized how I spoke, had my hair done, brushed my teeth, walked, that I spoke too much, how I ate, how much I ate, my grades, how I rode a bike…basically, seems like everything. He slapped me in the face frequently too if I was doing something improperly according to his standards which no one would ever be able to live up to. I remember my hand being slapped suddenly, when he felt I was using chopsticks incorrectly and because I was supposed to eat only one french fry at a time…I was eating two.

My father always made promises that he was “going to call every week and see me every other week,” but it never happened. Not a telephone call, not a visit, not a card…nothing. I last had contact with him in sixth grade and at high school graduation. I stopped trusting what he told me and hoping that things would ever be different. Never could talk to anyone about it…kept it all inside…just made everyone angry to bring him up. The last visit I did not cry at all, but I felt like I was so close to crying…no one ever asked how the visit went, so I never told anyone. I learned to stop talking and not to let anyone in. Also, I stopped asking questions and tried to obtain information from other sources or went without. I always assumed that each visit with him would be my last. Somehow, I knew that after this visit, I wasn’t going to have any contact with him again.

I wish I could tell you that I am angry and hurt, but that would be a guess because I am so numb and trying not to cry. However, my Grandpa was the one who tried to fill in the best that he could. He was/is my primary attachment because my mother certainly wasn’t. It was his passing in 2002 that started this major depressive episode and PTSD. I had lost my only real positive attachment and my protector.

Grandpa knew that he was going to die and started to wrote a small biography which is such a treasure. When he got to my part he wrote, “It was a great day when Clueless was born…those were fun times.” I’ve always found that to be a comfort. He really was the only one that wanted me. I miss him terribly (okay, I’m sad and crying now.) He used to pick me up from school, purchased my first real car and proudly walked me down the aisle when I was married. I think he was more happy than I was…he kept crying. I tried not to, you know the make up and pictures…more important and expensive. I really miss him this year. I think because of realizing how many losses that I have…grief builds up and becomes greater than it really was in the first place. He was such a blessing to me.

Many people have asked me about how I am able to relate to God as my Father. What I tell them, is that it was a lot of work via church ministries and therapy to get things straight in my head let alone in my feelings. God worked on my heart. His love was like a sieve to me. I could sort of hold on to it, but it would strain straight through and get filled again and drain. On thing that helped was writing out all the versus that talked about Him being a Father.

In closing, I want to share a couple of comforting versus for me. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8 NLT) “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has born? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” (Isaiah 49:15-16 NASV)

I love you, Lord! Happy Father's Day!

I love you and really miss you, Grandpa! Happy Father's Day!

Poem: "Running" ~ December 18, 1991

Running

Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?

To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go

I hurt so much now
I don't know how

I'll ever get thru
without You

I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by

Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry

I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild

I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream

No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show

How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt

So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel pretty

I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness

It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold

Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care

To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight

Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know

Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast

My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun

I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay

Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card

That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?

Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting

Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?

Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side

Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about

Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess

Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home

1991 clinicallyclueless

Poem: "Giving up" ~ December 1, 1991

When I began this blog, about a month ago, no one knew I was here. But, I was posting and looking around. Now, I actually have people that follow me. Well, I started off posting four of the five poems that I've ever written. The fifth will probably never be posted as it was a special gift to my husband. I was inspired to write the poems and haven't had that since, so who knows if I'll write another poem. But, since no one probably read them, I thought that this week I'd repost a few. (No, I'm not trying to get out of writing a post...I have three years of material just at this time and it grows each day). I've never really shared these before, so again I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as it is very raw to me even though they are about 17 years old.

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head

I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,

But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car

But, I've come too far

To throw it all away

I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away

I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief

God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die

Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand

How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well

It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure

Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry

When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up

Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me

Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near

When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms

But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace

That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in

But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand

And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now

I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle

Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do

But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside

Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move

I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together

(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You

Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me

This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick

I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide

I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care

Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release

When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn

Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose

Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars

I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight

Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live

I want to be able to give

I love You so much

Even when I want to give up

1991 clinicallyclueless

Blog Screamfest ~ Please Join Me!!

Now you need to know that I now am sure that my therapist is crazy (just kidding), but I was not able to sleep last night as nightmares persisted until I couldn't take it anymore and got up. Kept dreaming that someone I knew or my mother was in earshot to assist in helping me from being attacked by unknown assailants in my bed (various know and unknown places), but I could not scream. My brain kept saying, scream, but no matter how I tried nothing would come out. I kept waking up terrified or like I was suffocating. So, my therapist suggested that I scream on my blog and then thought I could have others join me if they want.

Here goes my scream:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Anyone else want to join?

Entry: June 25, 2005 & June 30, 2005 ~ 4:30 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm having really mixed feelings about having told you about the bruising. It really touched me that you teared up. I know that I can't do that for myself right now. Today, remembering that helped me not to bruise, even though, I eventually gave in. Felt good to also let you in, but also really scared me...never really told anyone before...details of the cutting and bruising and burning. Scared me to hear me talk about how much sometimes it is about harming myself and how much pain I can inflict...Sometimes, really feels that I can't inflict enough pain.

Some of the thoughts scare me too like the ones where breaking a bone would be okay. I also keep having the image of taking a knif and stabbing my right leg over and over again or taking my hands and putting it through a window. Feels good not to keep it to myself. However, I really feel bad. Both because I do it and because I talked...fells like I did somthing wrong and need to be punished.

Also, feel like crying...kind of sad that I've kept it to myself for so long. Also, sad that I've been doing it for so long ans that it was what I came up with to cope with the chaos in my life. Feels good that you seem to understand me more Especially that you believe that I mean it when I promise I won't, but then I can't stop. That it isn't about you being angry at you or about you trying to control my behavior. I also really want your help to stop. Also, feel bad about it.

JUNE 27, 2005 ~ 4:30 pm

Geoffrey,

Today seemed sort of okay. I think the AM medication addition has helped, but I came home and briefly bruised. Scares me how badly I bruised on Saturday and today. It is the worse that I've done since I began again. I'm not even sure why or what sparked it...it just sort of seemed to happen today.

Yesterday was really difficult and I was really angry with you. I really scared myself with the suicidal thoughts and wanting, so badly to act out. I actually purchased the alcohol, razors, laxatives, enema and lighter.

Observation: I'm not sure what is going on at this point in time. It could be that I am defending against what is trying to come up and/or my reaction to finally telling Geoffrey the truth about the self-harm which I have never told anyone...I gave him details including how many times and that blood is always drawn. I also think I was really angry, but I don't know about what.

Actually making the purchases was a scary thing and I did tell him and gave him all of the stuff. My self injury was addictive and out of control. Again, I am obviously in serious trouble and probably needed to be hospitalized which I now know was a scary time for Geoffrey, but he knew that it I wasn't in agreement with the hospitalization that it wouldn't work and that I would get worse. Hence, we continued the five days per week plus telephone calls. Also, I was continuing to work full-time.

Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble? ~ Worship in Song