Star Trek IV ~ The Voyage Home Bloopers

I know this movie may be before your time, but it is one of my favorites. Yes, I am a Trekkie. (What other horrible thing are you going to learn about me this week?) For me, bloopers are always funny even if I don't know the show. Enjoy.

Tag!! Your turn!

Here’s a new, fun meme all about venting, complaining, ranting, letting it all out because sometimes you just need to be heard!

Instructions:

Copy / paste everything below ‘Instructions’, up to (and including) the CUT at the start of a new post.

Write a complaint about the subject of your choice after the CUT (visit Universal Complaints Department for examples, guidelines, and even a complaint form if you’d like to use one).

Important: Email the complaint to universalcomplaints@gmail.com
Link back to whomever tagged you.

Tag four people you think might like to rant/complain about something.

This will give you a chance to vent, boost your page-ranking and your Technorati authority all in one go! This meme has been brought to you by http://universalcomplaints.blogspot.com - Passing the Buck Since Time Began.

Don’t forget to email the complaint, and we will feature your complaint on our site and link back to you!

You can even complain about having to complain if you like

Happy complaining!
—-CUT—-

I’m tagging the following four folks with this one but anyone who feels like they have something to say is more than welcome to join in!

1. Jumping in Puddles
2. Jazz
3. Ashe.Selah
4. Polar Bear

SOMETHING JUST FOR FUN

This week to say it has been heavy is an understatement, so I thought that I would post something fun today instead of what I had scheduled. Remember to leave your results and how it applies or doesn't in the comment section.

I think mine fits except for the respect part, but maybe I'm wrong. It might, but I thing that in love and in general it is "Do you understand me?"

My Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's Your Power Color?

Today's Session ~ more rage, memories and integration!!

It has been a really tough week for me. Yesterday, was really bad, but I just came back from therapy which was helpful, but extremely difficult. After what we talked about yesterday, the second part of that memory became very intrusive and disturbing. After the beating, I thought it was over, but it was not.

I really wanted it to be over. As I remember, I can still feel the welts, bruising and open skin on my back side. When they let go of me, I thought I was going to be untied which I was not. Then, they all took turns brutally raping me. James was the worse it felt like he was trying to make it as painful as he could. Geoffrey said that he probably was. Either way with each person, it hurt. I could feel my skin tear a little and it felt like my whole insides were going to burst. And, I could feel the table on rubbing my back side which just made it hurt even more. I wanted to die and thought that I might.

Geoffrey said basically explained that they felt very small, powerless, angry and were misogynistic. Then, they projected all of those feeling on to me and made me feel they way that they did. I so much wanted to be untied and for the door to be unlocked. I felt so terrified and trapped.

Today, it felt good to be angry (so far not turning it on myself too much). But, I feel like I want to stab them to death, castrate them and tie them up and make them suffer as much as I did. I want to shove something up their anus and then take a long Q-tip like thing and drench it in alcohol and shove it into their penis. I know sounds horrible. Geoffrey said that it was normal, healthy and developmentally correct.

What they did to me didn't happen all the time, but enough and at different ages. I was actually used to getting raped by multiple men at this time because that is what happened in the bedroom, but this raised it to a more sadistic level. One that my brain does not want to grasp. But this is my truth, my life and I just felt like I needed to blog about it...get it out there and not in my head and just between Geoffrey and me.

Thank you for all of your support. I really appreciate it and need it right now. Tomorrow "should" be better because we try to take it a little easier on Friday since it is the weekend. Now, I feel like crying. Feeling a little sad, then rage, then self-destructive. Round and round it goes. I just keep thinking I was just a little girl who needed attention.

Oh, James told my mother that I had misbehaved which was his explanation for the beating. My mother always believed what he said and never asked me about it. So when she came to pick me up, she yelled and me and hit me. There was no escape and no way to win...just take it and hope it doesn't get too out of control. Sorry if this was too graphic.

Today's Session ~ Feeling a bit of Rage for the first time.

I just returned from therapy today. I did a fingerpainting and feel a little better, at least, not as self-destructive and took a PRN, at the advice, of my therapist. It was a rough session and I feel like I need to share it.

For the past several weeks, I've been returning to this flashback...now, I don't want to write it. Here goes...my step-father and his father used to tie me down to the ping-pong table unclothed in their garage with some sort of thing that raised my legs. Sometimes, two of their friends would just hold my legs up. Then, while laughing and seeming like they were at a party, James and his father would alternately beat me on the buttocks and the back of my thighs with a belt and a piece of wood. James would always use his belt and his father in this flashback used a piece of wood. They would hit so hard and so fast that it felt like I could never recover from one blow to the next. I'm not sure if I disassociated or was unconscious, at times, from the pain or both.

Today, I felt like I let myself off the hook a little bit. I've always thought it was because I wanted attention and that I trusted them which made it my fault. I needed attention because I wasn't given it and I felt guilty because they treated me nicely by purchasing things for me and taking me to amusement parks. Now, I realize that they were trying to gain my trust, so that they could abuse me. I know from a clinical stand point I knew it wasn't true, but this is one of those clueless things. I also know that they were really had severe personality disorder.

I am feeling so enraged that they would gain my trust and then abuse me in the way that they did. And, it is sinking in more that there was absolutely nothing that a four or five year old can do to fight back with four men, two being very large. It was like I didn't exist to them...I was just a toy. I hate them so much right now I just want to go hurt someone. I hate that I had no control and that I was unclothed and tied down and held down and beaten for their amusement. I am feeling so much rage which is quite unusual for me. And there is a part of me that wants comfort, but doesn't trust it.

I am also going back and forth between wanting to hurt someone and really wanting to hurt myself especially bruise and hit myself to the point where I break a bone. I am sooooo angry. Which side am I going to stay on today. I don't want to hurt myself, but it feels like I need to punish myself or get some anger out by hurting myself. I think, I'll need another PRN. I've never quite felt like this before and I don't like it. I am having a rough time.

So, that was my session and the aftermath. Here is the painting I completed...the paint is still wet and I felt like I could only do one because it was starting to escalate my feelings at the end. Only red, orange, purple and blue were used in this painting.

Color Legend:

Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears

Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

Addendum: I just woke up from a nap and now I feel like I just want to die. I've said too much. No one is going to believe me...I don't want to believe me. Physically feeling the pain. My head hurts like I can't take it in...I don't want to take it in. I just need to die.

Entry: June 17/18, 2005 ~ 9pm/3pm (continued)

I still feel like I'm trying to tell you something, but don't know what...like when you ask what I need...sometimes, I really don't know or when you ask what I'm feeling...it is like I don't have access to it or the words to explain it.

With the bruising, I feel like once I started that I gave up trying not to. Sometimes, it just feels like I can't inflict enough pain on my body whether it be bruising or cutting, at least, I haven't started to burn myself, not that the thoughts are not there. It may start by trying to numb out. But, sometimes, not all of the time, it feels like it goes into really trying to hurt myself. Felt like that some today. Also, helped to reduce my anxiety and my feeling bad. But, in the end it only increases everything.

I just left you a message asking you to call me. Feels like if I don't touch base and make sure that you are okay with me and not angry, that my anxiety will prevent me from coming tomorrow. Again, I'm afraid to see or even talk to you. Feels like it might be that I would cancel or drive out there and sit in my car. Feeling buzzy and my hands are tingly.

Wanting to act out is even stronger and the suicidal thoughts are louder. I just want to die...disappear forever. Feels like I just need to cry.

Want to call back and tell you not to call...don't feel like talking. Just feel bad, but just hearing your voice reassuring me seems like it would help...reassurance? That I'm okay, that you are okay with me and aren't going anywhere and are going to help me and are not angry with me. Still I want to call back.

Observation: I was out of control with everything and fragmenting everywhere. I was not able to access any reasoning only reacting to my feeling and urges. Bruising badly and a lot...I had lost control and it had become addictive. I was embarrassed to tell him. I had never told anyone before. Come to think of it this blog is only the second place that I have put it out there.

My reaction to adding the repressed memories section on my sidebar and talking about some of the abuse just a few days ago is just the same as it was during this period only I have access to reasoning and medications are helping more. I was really in trouble with the acting out and with the suicidal thoughts. The bruising was really scaring me as it started out with trying to numb out, then became like I was punishing myself and couldn't hit hard enough...felt like I wanted to break bones. I was really angry at myself.

Entry: June 17/18, 2005 ~ 9pm/3pm

Geoffrey,

Feeling like I need to disappear. Like I don't have the right to exist. Like I need to justify existing. Like I just deserve to die. Everything - my thinking, my feelings and my body just goes blank and numb...just disappear...sometimes, feels like I'm not supposed to be here that I should never have been born. I don't have the right to exist. I think a little about when you explained about the infant playing dead...I wonder if that is part of the disappearing [If an infant is not responded for a period of time, it gives up. Then, when the mother tries to reconnect the infant does not respond, plays dead.]

I Remember, my mother saying it would be easier for her if she never had me...felt like a burden that she had to take care of and at the same time felt like I had to exist to take care of her. Often, felt like she wished that I was never born especially when it came to James. I knew he didn't want me around, even said so and would threaten to send me to live with my father...I was the cause of all their problems. If I died, it would make it better for them. Felt like I was just an obligation to my father, one that he didn't even want. I was an interruption to Grandpa's day. Sometimes, felt like I was a burden to everyone and that it would make it better if I died or was never born.

When James and my mother fought or when things began to feel overwhelming, threatening or demanding which sometimes would happen just while watching television or being in the care, I used to disappear especially when they fought. Felt good to not think, feel and to physically go numb. It was an escape. A way to quiet things or to try to stay out of the way or not be noticed when they fought. Maybe, then it wouldn't get directed at me. I would just disappear. Same thing during the sexual abuse...just go away, disappear, don't exist.

I know I started disappearing more as I got older...just zone out. Too much, too scared, too much pain, too much anger, too confusing, too much to feel. Feels sad and hopeless, like the only thing that would make it better is just to curl up and die...completely disappear to be safe...maybe, if I'm not noticed, I won't get hurt.

[Crying continues to be an issue in session]...Just really wanting to withdraw and disappear...make the tears go away. Feel stuck. Familiar bind of needing to cry, but feeling like it is not safe to do so...that I wont be attended to. Sometimes crying felt dangerous...that it could trigger someone's anger and I could get hurt. Learned to make the tears go away by disappearing.

[Again the tension of really wanting to bruise, cut or burn and the suicidal thoughts are really loud] Lately, I've been feeling bad all the time. I've been talking too much and that I'm going to be in trouble or punished or something really bad is going to happen.

I broke my promise again, so I feel even worse. I feel really bad. I meant it when I told you that I would not bruise until I saw you. Now, I'm really anxious. [I left a message telling him that I bruised and it helped to relieve some tension]. Still feeling like I need to disappear and go away. Maybe, I'm just trying to tell you how much pain I am in and how bad I feel.

Now, the suicidal thoughts are really strong. I really just want to die. I want to buy the alcohol, go to the beach and take the pills. Could jump off the pier...better than a building. Feels like it wouldn't matter. Thought about purchasing the razors and laxatives today. Occasionally, I've been using enemas...do I tell you this or not? Can't believe I actually wrote it.

[Entry to be continued tomorrow]

Entry: June 15, 2005 ~ 10:00 pm

Geoffrey,

You suggested that I write tonight about feeling that you would leave me because of my bruising...All week I've been feeling really bad about my bruising and suicidal thoughts. Talking about the suicidal thoughts and having bruised myself and continuing to do so made me really want to withdraw from you...made me scared to say anymore and even to move. Couldn't get past thinking that you were angry and was going to tell me that you couldn't see me or work with me anymore. Today, I was really afraid that you were going to yell at me or hit me.

I keep thinking that my continuing to bruise myself will make you go away or that I need to go away or die because I am bad. In my head, you are going to leave if I don't stop bruising or having the suicidal thoughts...Sometimes, I even think that you hate me and are tired of working with me. That you are sorry you began with me in the first place especially with the five days per week. Sometimes, I think you wish that I would have found a different therapist or would be relieved if I quit with you.

Sometimes, I think that my continuing to bruise myself will make you stop seeing me. Sometimes, I even think if I continue to talk about the suicidal thoughts that you will stop seeing me.

Sometimes, in my head you really do not care about me and it wouldn't matter to you if I died...sometimes, I think you would be relieved. I guess I feel like a burden or too demanding.

With my continuiting to bruise myself and having the suicidal thoughts, in my head, you are angry with me and are going to yell at me, tease me, discount me, or maybe hit me. [that is what happened to me as a child, so I am projecting it onto him along with fragmenting...only the part of me that is that small helpless, rejected child exists and I am unable to access the part of me that really knows the truth...continuing to have an extremely difficult time] I know that stuff is not based in reality, but sometimes it seems so real, like now.

Right now, I really want to curl up and die. I really want to die. Can't take the pills because they are hidden. Besides, I really want to try to keep my promises.

I really think you are tired of working with me and hate me. I don't think my crying and needing to leave while I was still crying helped...just kind of reinforced things in my head to me.

Observations: Well, obviously I was fragmenting and not doing well. Everything I did and said was bad and I was pushing away the very person that could help me. I was really scared and believed what I wrote. (All of my behavior and thought patterns are part of the BPD). It is like, there is no access to what I know to be true only an automatic reactionary CC which puts me back into feeling like a child with no resources and wanting to die like I did as a child. My thoughts, at this point, are continuing to take over. I am in trouble. Self-hatred is also a running theme during this time, but I am not sure if I was aware of it at the time. I was too busy fragmenting. This is also a huge defense about what I probably need to talk about or what is about to come up in therapy. This was such a painful time in therapy. That day I also fingerpainted. These are the first two out of four.

(What looks to be yellow is actually orange. Only red, blue, purple and orange are used in this painting)

(The color on the left top side is red and the bottom orange is streaked with red)

How about today you leave me a comment and tell me how this makes you feel or what feelings you think it expresses. Thank you!!!

"Mourning into Dancing" ~ Let Me Worship In Song!!

This song came out in the 1990's which was during my first 12 years of therapy. At the time, I was attending the church of the person who wrote this song, but even though it was such a joyous song all I could do was cry because it was just so painful to me.

After struggling in my healing via the church ministries and psychotherapy, one day this song began and I braced myself for painful tears, but instead of painful tears I cried tears of joy. What I felt like God had put into my heart was that He had already done that in some areas (turned my mourning into dancing) even if I didn't feel it and it was His promise to me that I would feel the joy the song speaks about.

Well, after many years, the song became a joyous one that I would sing as an expression of thankfulness for God's faithfulness to me or claiming its promise. Now, during this major depressive episode, I haven't been able to listen to music which I used to do all the time. But, I was introduced to YouTube, as you can tell from my last two entries, and found this among the treasures. It made me cry and long for a day when I would no longer hurt this badly.

However, it is also a reminder that I will one day sing this song again at my church with thankfulness. It gave me hope. See, I also have not been able to attend church due to my symptoms. I long to go back, but know I am not ready and that God knows. But, previously I'd gone faithfully for more than 23 years and not at all for the past five. (No counting, I'm not hiding my age!!!) I hope that you read the words and/or listen to the words and this song encourages you too. (Sung by the Christian Gospel Temple from where I don't know I couldn't find any other credits.)

This song was inspired by "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12, NLT)