Past Journal Entry: July 12, 2005 ~ Evening ~ Part I

Geoffrey,

After session, I was feeling really overwhelmed and felt like crying. Went to go buy fingerpainting paper as I only had a few sheets left. Kept having thoughts of wanting to die and hitting myself with the hairbrush. Kept feeling really overwhelmed and confused because all my feelings seemed to be so jumbled.

I came home and while I went to throw the hair brush away, I hit myself and stopped after a several times. Then, I threw it away. Still really wanted to hurt myself and die, so I fingerpainted a little.

Then, I've been wanting for weeks to make the lemon cake, but I couldn't find the recipe. Got obsessed with finding it and agitated. Took an hour. Then, it was time for my husband to come home, but he was late and I got worried, so I called him. He apologized.

When he came home, I became even more agitated, overwhelmed and on edge. My stomach and my chest hurt. And, I was extremely sensitive to noise and it got to noisy. I began to snap at my husband, so I went to the living room. [My borderline characteristics are showing here with my trying to pick fights with my husband. I'm feeling bad, so I'm trying to get him to feel my feelings and if he pushes back it reinforces that "I am bad." Also, I'm angry and taking it out on him.]

I still was feeling really overwhelmed and panicky, so I took both PRN's and took apart another section on the pillow. [In session, I kept pulling at things, so he gave me an old pillow to do whatever I wanted with it. In one session, I verbally expressed my anger and tore apart the pillow which was really hard to tear apart. He gave me the rest to take home to use which I did.] Then decided to go to the bedroom and write this.

I just want to curl up, cover my head and go away. The suicidal thoughts and wanting to bruise, cut or burn myself is really strong especially the bruising. But, I'm trying really hard not to act out. [Act out my feelings, instead of feeling them or to just numb out. Again, a borderline characteristic.] Realizing the way I'm feeling is how I felt all the time to some degree. Bruising or cutting would calm me down and help me to numb out.

Every little noise tonight has me on edge. Even my husband's chewing was bothering me. My step-father was a very loud person even when he ate you could hear him in the other room because he ate with his mouth open. It bothered me and my mother would complain to me about it, but she would rarely ask him to chew with his mouth closed. We always ate in front of the television which was on all the time at the volume was really loud.

Flashbacks...remembering some of the arguments, I had with him was over who was going to play with the Atari or what game, if it were a two person game. [It sounds so childish that we would have such arguments...well, he always won because if I didn't give in I'd get into trouble for being uncooperative.]

I keep snapping at my husband asking him what the noise is that he is making. I feel bad because he is just doing laundry, cleaning up and making notes to himself about what needs to be done. He asked, if it was really that noisy. I told him, "no," but I'm really on edge and just need to know what the noise is.

Growing up every noise mattered and I needed to be attuned to it, so I knew what might happen next...didn't realize how anxious that made me feel. Still have pain in my stomach and chest. Really want to hurt myself to calm down. I think, he went to bed, so that will be better...quieter.

It was really awful feeling this edge and panicky all the time. It was worse if my step-father were at home. I told you once that I thought he hated me. And, you said that something about him not being capable of love or hate. But, it still felt like he hated me and wanted me dead.

I'm wanting just to curl up and die and really wanting to hurt myself. The wanting to die and thinking of ways to kill myself became daily thoughts and hurting myself after the overdose of Tylenol became more and more frequent.

I kept so much of what went on to myself. Really thought, I was bad and responsible for how awful I felt all the time. Always thought something was wrong with me. Seems like I wanted to cry all the time.

I'm having images of taking the kitchen knife and stabbing my leg over and over again. Feel like I'm bad. Feel like it is wrong to talk, but I really feel like I need to keep talking even if it is stuff I've said before. Partly, seems like I'm trying to get you to understand. Partly, like I'm trying to tell myself how bad it was.

Feels really crazy. It is like my head can't take in it all or comprehend how bad it was. It helps when you describe the situation and tell me how it should have be even though a part of me still really thinks things were normal. But, when I hear you say it sometimes, I realize and hear a little more how crazy things were. That, I wasn't the one who was crazy.

I really feel like crying, but don't know why or even what I'm feeling. Everything feels so overwhelming and jumbled. I feel sad that hurting myself is one of the ways I learned to cope. And, that it began at such a young age is even sadder. But, it really did work and helped.

You referred to my coping as extreme. I have a hard time with you saying that it is extreme or severe. I have a hard time with what that implies...and because I still try to tell myself what I do isn't that bad. If I look at my behavior as severe of extreme then, I have to look at it as a response to that type of environment.

I still go, "It wans't that bad, I'm making it up, I was too sensitive, other people had it worse, I'm just being dramatic." [All thing that my mother told me that still is in my head today.] Feeling a little calmer now, but the thoughts are really loud and I am tearing up. Still overwhelmed and a little panicky. My stomach and chest still hurt and I feel like the tears are stuck in my throat.

July 12, 2005 entry to be continued tomorrow...

These are the fingerpainting that I painted after session and before my husband came home. What looks to be white is actually light blue.