PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part VI
Programming already in progress (click here to see the beginning in this December/January series):
...Some of the dreams have had to do with work...Kathy (manager) getting angry and backing me into a corner about being behind, therapy sessions and decision I've made...just felt like she was questioning or being critical about everything, I was doing before I left for vacation. (Projection of what it was like growing up and my being critical with myself)
Dreams have also had to do with my father leaving, my mother getting angry and feeling trapped by Gene (step-father). I'm feeling really bad and angry and scared. I can't seem to attach it to a specific thing...it seems very genral, but very intense. And, I feel really disconnected from everyone including myself. Sometimes, it is really difficult to identity what I am feeling...sometimes, I wants to cry, scream or hit. (I am disconnect from myself...dangerous place to be...unaware of what my feeling and thoughts are in the here and now.)
I do know that I am extremely anxious about tomorrow and I don't want to tell you what I did, but that is worse than just not keeping the promises. Felt like I could only fight for so long until I began to disconnect from you. Afraid of your reaction. Everything was going to bad before you left, now even more so...I just want to disappear. and die.
Feels like I couldn't handle being angry at you and Adrian for so long with you being gone. Started to feel really overwhelmed, disorganized and disconnected. I really made you not exist and that I didn't matter. The promises just didn't matter nothing mattered. Just felt really bad and angry at the world. Felt like just screaming and hitting. (In my head, no one can exist...borderline delimma of not existing if there is no mirroring back.)
Sad for what I did and realizing how self-destruction, I can be and have been. I'm really anxious about talking with you...almost cancelled, but wanted to try to keep my promises. I really wish that I didn't break, so many...I'm disappointed in myself.
But, it really felt like I needed to do it. And, I really feeling remorseful. And the thought are louder. I'm also angry with myself and really want to keep my promises. When I made them, I really meant that I intended to keep them. Reall scared of you...somewhere along the way, I kept thinking you were angry, now it is just worse.
Past Journal Entry 12/30/05 to 1/2/06
To Be Continued...Tomorrow