Clinically Clueless: PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

Gary,

Today was really tough. Last night, I slept, but had nightmares and today kept having flashback of what I talked about last night. I just really feel out of it today...like I kept going away or just didn't feel good...not sure what that means...felt overwhelmed and panicked ant the thoughts of injuring myself were really loud and I kept thinking about stabbing my leg.

Today, at work was really frustrating...one it was too warm and the fire alarm kept going off due to the construction in our building. And, I had a couple of frustrating situations. I am also really uncomfortable as I haven't had a bowel movement (three days) since I returned to work [I don't do well with loud, sudden noises. I can't work when it is too warm. My bowel movements have always been a problem. At this point, it is suspected that it has to do with my needing to control it when I was being abused.]

Don't understand why I remembered going up north during the summer for prayer for my eyes...really remember being scared, of what I don't know. Feeling really bad and there being too many people and fragrances including incense. When I think about it, I just want to go away...seem to automatically do that to some degree. It was so confusing and scary and I always felt really bad. [I have always been highly sensitive/allergic to all fragrances and strong odors].

The Church on the Hill...just really felt more scared, confused and bad. The incense was so stron and it seemed so loud and chaotic...And I really din't want them to pray for me...[While writing this part, my anxiety level has sharply increase and I can feel my self going away.] ...scared me and I didn't want so many people touching me. Felt really bad, I was bad.

I think how I felt today is part of my raction to talking about this yesterday and having flashbacks...not really sure how they I felt today...I know, at time, I was really tearful...Feel A little like that now. I'm feeling confused...like I can't identify how I feel or what is going on..it feels frustrating because I can't find the words. [In this instance, whatever I am going through internally...is preverbal...or few words.]

I do know that in the memories the primary feelings are fear and confusion and feeling really bad. [I am bad]. Also, feeling overwhemled by the odors, noise, being touched and having too many people around...there also really weren't any other chilren in either setting. I actually don't remember there being any others. Also not wanting to go to either place. Feels like I need to go away now...from what I don't know, but feeling panicked..not feeling safe...feel completely withdrawing..don't understand what is going on...I just don't feel good.

Just feels like I keep repeating myself, but I want to make sense of what is going on or at least identify what I am feeling because I feel a little disconned from me...I just don't feel right...whatever that means. Tearing up a bit...maybe I need to cry. Feeling confused...makes my head hurt. I want to curl up and die...don't know why. [Obviously talking about the Church on the Hill and the place up North has made me anxious and I don't yet have access to these memories any further. I eventually do, so I'll try to look up where in my journal that I write the details, so we don't get too lost.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM