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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.
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A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
Past journal entry
January 5, 2006 – Saturday/Sunday Morning - 3:57 AM & 12:05 PM
Gary-
You were right about it being loud and my being more depressed and wanting to act out. I’ve really been wanting to injure myself…it is louder than it has been in a while. The forewarning was helpful. I’ve also been having additional flashes of stuff and nightmares where I wake up screaming. I’ve also realized more about Maye [step-father's mother].
All of the flashes occur in Maye and Bill’s [step-parents] bedroom. Some have to do with the makeup, tarot cards or both of us being naked. She showed me her privates and made me touch and had me show her mine and she inserted her fingers. Felt creepy and icky. I also remember and feel bad because a part of me felt ashamed, but another felt curious and wanted to learn.
I also liked the extra attention, just someone spending time with me. Makes me realize that I so wanted attention, but did not because it usually got me into trouble. Very confusing. I also am having flashes of Bill standing on the left side of the bed in a blue shirt and nothing else. He was erect and Maye was sitting on the bed with me. Also, at times, feeling absolutely terrified, enraged and in physical pain.
I really hate her and am having homicidal thoughts again about burning the whole house and garage. The things she said I did not believe her at first, but I feel bad because I believed what she said was true. I also think that my mother putting the tarot card of death in my room did not help. I never did like Maye and Arleen [my aunt] told me that everyone always thought that she was odd and it was not the psychic stuff, just her personality. She could really be mean to my mother. Gene was always right and always perfect.
Maye used to call up my mother and yell, call her names and cuss at her until my mother was in tears. I used to tell her just to hang up or take the telephone from her and hang up the telephone myself. Sometimes, the telephone would ring again after it was hung up, but we just let it ring. I’m assuming that it was Maye…before answering machines. I just realized that it took a lot of effort to do that as Maye and Bill never had a telephone. They always had to use the pay phone a few blocks away.
Just little thoughts and flashes and feelings. I kept thinking of leaving a message, but I got ridged again even though it would have helped. Everything is bad and I seem to feel ashamed about everything. Even so, I asked Adrian to take time off to take me to my mammogram this Tuesday.
Self injury makes a little more sense. Usually, it is about anger or feeling like I deserve to be punished or I have to hurt myself because I feel bad or evil. That is what she made the sexual and physical abuse into.
[No obserations on this journal entry as it has triggered me...sigh!]
Past journal entry
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