I slept when I came home as I was exhausted and couldn't work. Feeling bad [not a feeling, but a self judgement stemming from self-hatred] and anxious, but , I guess,what I get done will have to be enough. Seemed like I needed a lot os sleep while I was off...I guess that was more important. Still really concerned and plan to work tomorrow. I really don't want to go back to work...feels overwhelming.
[During this point in time, I am working full time as a social worker for those with developmentally disabled persons with behavioral, mental illness, medical fragile, and those living independently. I am also falling behind at work which has never been the case before to this degree, but therapy is intense].
I am really relieved that you're back. I wish it wasn't so difficult for me. Feels like before you left I was feeling really chaotic inside which just mad you leaving worse...the flashbacks and nightmares didn't stop. Still feel like crying, creameing and hitt, but really wanting to take it out on myself. [I am angry at myself for him "leaving" and because I had a difficult time. Additionally, I go through the same cycle everytimes he takes time off...I go through some "crisis" right before he goes in an unconscious effort to make him stay.]
Remember, so many times jeus feeling bad and so confused...wanting to just cry, scream and hit. Last night, we watched FAME which triggered feelings and flasbacks as one of the character's five year old sister was raped...she had lots of support and told right away. It was hard to she how young she was and ralizing that that was happening to me repeatedly (tearing up).
Feels like I want to talk...feels good to talk about things that I do that I am ashamed about.