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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ 1/2/06 ~ Monday 10pm

Gary,

I'm really wanting to cut and bruise...even thought of buring with the cigarette lighter [I purchased it with the alcohol]. Just really wanting to injure myself, but really wanting to stop.  But, also wanting to stay calm and disconnected.  Also, not wanting to continue to feel numb. [A person with Borderline Personality Disorder is filled with ambivalence.  In reading this part, I am reminded about object constancy and how that is such a difficult concept for a person with BPD to grasp internally.  The object (my therapist) goes away and I think that it is because I am bad and that he won't be coming back.

I was hapy and relieved that I was able to stay present with you tonight and tell you what I did.  I was really anxious about telling you because of some of your reactions in the past.  Felt good just to be able to talk about it.  Kind of like when I used to injure myself, but did't say anything.  Today, it felt good afterward to be able to share and not have you react. [A learning experience for both of us to get to this point.]

I slept when I came home as I was exhausted and couldn't work.  Feeling bad [not a feeling, but a self judgement stemming from self-hatred] and anxious, but , I guess,what I get done will have to be enough.  Seemed like I needed a lot os sleep while I was off...I guess that was more important.  Still really concerned and plan to work tomorrow.  I really don't want to go back to work...feels overwhelming.

[During this point in time, I am working full time as a social worker for those with developmentally disabled persons with behavioral, mental illness, medical fragile, and those living independently.  I am also falling behind at work which has never been the case before to this degree, but therapy is intense].

I am really relieved that you're back.  I wish it wasn't so difficult for me.  Feels like before you left I was feeling really chaotic inside which just mad you leaving worse...the flashbacks and nightmares didn't stop.  Still feel like crying, creameing and hitt, but really wanting to take it out on myself. [I am angry at myself for him "leaving" and because I had a difficult time.  Additionally, I go through the same cycle everytimes he takes time off...I go through some "crisis" right before he goes in an unconscious effort to make him stay.]

Remember, so many times jeus feeling bad and so confused...wanting to just cry, scream and hit.  Last night, we watched FAME which triggered feelings and flasbacks as one of the character's five year old sister was raped...she had lots of support and told right away.  It was hard to she how young she was and ralizing that that was happening to me repeatedly (tearing up).

Feels like I want to talk...feels good to talk about things that I do that I am ashamed about.

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