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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, February 19, 2010

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 6/18/07...filling in the gaps

Trigger Warning!!!

I am feeling panicked and almost terrified to share this with you.  I can feel myself start to go away...my fingers are tingly, things are beginning to become echoy.  Coleen, just stay here, stay here.  I actually wrote a story about my life of abuse using excerpts from 2007 forward when the flashback really became intense and I was still working full time.  Although the following is out of sequence from my past journal entries, I think that it will help explain what was going on in the last entries.  This was written on 6/18/07 when I remembered what occured.

Gary...I was surprised by my reaction to talking about “the medium on the hill” church. I remember it was an evening service (I think a Friday, I don’t remember going to school the next day) in a small church on some sort of residential or resort grounds. In the front was a podium and two kneelers behind. I remember being able to get candy and maybe a word puzzle book at the liquor store just before the turn off PCH. I had to wear a dress even though not all women did. Maye went with us most of the time. I remember, I was the only child there because my mother and Maye made special arrangements because usually children as young as I was did not stay. There were some teenagers there.

The woman’s voice scared me because she was almost shouting and quite flamboyant. Sort of like the Pentecostal churches. She would give a “message,” there was music and time for prayer. During most of it, I sat on the floor coloring, completing the puzzles or reading, so I really did not hear much of what was going on. It seemed like I blocked it out because I remember that I knew the reason that I was there was to receive prayer. Prayer for others, I saw included laying on of hands and what must have been some type of tongues. It scared me. I also remember that I did not want to go up there. I felt like I knew I was going to be hurt physically. Felt like I had to be dragged by my mother and Gene gave me that look. I felt absolutely terrified, panicked and wanted to run, but I knew that two of the men would run after me. Having all those people encircle me and touch me to pray really freaked me out and what they said scared me especially since I did not understand much of it.

Apparently, my mother had spoken with the woman before because she knew what Maye, Gene and my mother wanted her to pray for me. She called me evil and that my family stated that I was evil because I did not follow my parents’ directions and rules and rejects father. I remember feeling angry that she referred to Gene as my parent and father. She added that she also knows because of her special gift from God that I was extremely stubborn and something to the effect of defiant. I don’t remember what was exactly said, but this is the gist of what I remember, but I am using adult terms.

After what seemed like a really long time of prayer, in which, I was sore from kneeling and my neck being pushed down as someone put their hand on my head and as they got tired they began leaning on my head. She stated that the devil was inside and was stubborn to leave, but needs to leave so that the evil inside of me would leave too. To me that meant I would no longer be evil. (I’ve had lost of slide show type flashbacks the weekend which have been quite disturbing and I feel like I really need to talk and really don’t want to because I keep thinking that I’m making it up…like I can’t believe that they would be involved in a cult like church. Also, that there has been so much that I’ve remembered already makes it hard to believe that something happened here too. I do know that I felt extremely terrified when we talked about it at the end of session on Wednesday. Every time, I think about the church, I get spacey, dizzy, buzzy and numb.)

After the prayer, I don’t know what happens next, but I know I am going to feel physical pain, where I don’t know. I kept thinking I’m going to get hurt after they pray. I remember thinking of running, but knew if I ran they would catch me and the pain would be worse. I remember wanting my mother to protect me, confused that she was allowing this, even made arrangements for it and being really angry at her for being a part of this, having no one to turn to or to explain things. Gene and my mother even helped them hurt me. I don’t know how. All I know right now is that I felt a lot of physical pain, but I don’t even know where. But, I can remember being inside the church, some of what people including myself was wearing, the odors especially of the incense (and perfumes, colognes, candles burning, and the wood of the building and pews), can hear the crickets and frogs outside, etc…I am absolutely terrified. (I’ve been having nightmares about the church and have not slept the last two nights very well. I had difficulty falling asleep, which is not the norm for me. I’ve been falling asleep around 3 am. I really don’t like not knowing.)

Flashbacks include: There is a table with a purple cloth covering it. The “medium” is wearing a long purple and black dress. I’m on the table naked…someone holding my arms down and someone holding my feet and legs to the table. A choice was given for me to either be held down or tied down…I don’t understand. I don’t know who got to make the decision. I’m extremely embarrassed…exposed…buttocks healing from bruises, various stages…Everyone in the church can see me. At first I could leave my underwear on, but the “medium” sees some of the bruises showing from my white lacey edged underwear. The “medium” says that my mother and Gene did not do enough…and this is such a difficult case that the whole church needs to help…rejection of parents is the same as rejecting god. she wanted me to cry and then I would stop being hurt, but I couldn’t and I was trying…so I need to bleed…don’t know how, where or with what…who is holding me…suggested salt to absorb and protect me from evil…basin of water…

(just vague flashes during the weekend and as I am trying to fall asleep. Could not even nap even with my PRNs. Somewhere in the middle of the events, I go completely away and wake up at home the next morning hoping it was a dream, but it wasn’t. Feeling really overwhelmed, panicked and terrified to talk about this, but I do want to know more. Feeling really crazy and in disbelief…I’m sure I’m making this up. I’m really quite terrified and don’t know what to do or what is going on. Feeling really crazy, flooded and overwhelmed.)

Remember these are events that I remembered in June of 2007 and are not currently occuring.


Unknown said...

I am so very sorry that you were so abused by those who professed to be servants of our Heavenly Father. Be assured that He was more disturbed by these things than you were, and it will be as it should be in the end.

Clueless said...

Thank you FishHawk,

I know that God was not only disturbed, but angry and there to comfort me. It is however, a long road of healing.

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