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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How Are You Doing?

I keep getting asked, "how are you doing" regarding my Grandma's passing.  I just say, "it is difficult, but I'm fine." This is not quite the who truth. I am having a really difficult time.  My eating, my weight, my sleep, the thoughts of self-harm, the suicidal thoughts are all messed up.  My therapist says that I am extremely guarded and choosing to obsess about all of these things rather than deal with my feelings...they are defense mechanisms.  I have to agree.  What makes it more difficult is that my Borderline Personality tendencies that I feel abandoned with any loss.

Today, I have a session and already feel myself being guarded.  I just don't want to feel...anything.  Again, my choice.  I think that I don't want to know how I am or deal with reality.  I would really like to just continue to numb out, but on the other side I want to get through this properly.  I didn't with my Grandpa, so now that is mixed in with grieving Grandma.

Medical update: I'm still receiving infusion therapy for my low immune system and am close to the sixth treatment.  At that time, my doctor will determine if it is working.  If it is we continue treatment.  If not...my doctor doesn't know what to do. 

Despite, all the precautions that I need to take including not going into a hospital or skilled nursing facility, I went to the hospital the day we knew that she was not going to make it. Even though she had bilateral pneumonia, I went with mask and gloves.  I'm glad I did that as when we received the call at 3:15 AM, I decided that I needed to say "goodbye" and to be with my family despite all the complications involved.  I'm glad that I did. We were all supportive of one another, ate breakfast together and went to Grandma's house to go through some of her things and remembering the good memories of her.

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