Therapist Taking Responsibility!

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you know that life for the past couple of weeks, have been quite stressful.  Well, at the same time, my therapist was really pushing me hard.  By Thursday, evening I wanted to quit therapy (my way of saying, "I don't like what is happening in therapy).  Early Friday morning, I wrote him the following letter which I also read to him of Friday:

Gary,

I am really tired of seeing and talking with you in these past several weeks and yesterday was the worst. On the way home, I go into bad and yes I know that it is fragmenting. I know that I choose it, but even though you say I choose it … it sure doesn’t seem like it.

You also keep telling me that I make myself miserable which just makes me feel worse. You also tell me that I make it one thing after another, which at this point, to me it has been one thing after another. But, it is my own making basically I make too big a deal out of things, so that it becomes one thing after another and try to evoke a response from people. This contradicts what you and Dr. Schwartz have said about it having been one thing after another…it has been one thing after another and it isn’t my just making a big deal out of things or fragmenting or becoming to emotional.

I know that I am fragmenting, but I am really tired of you pointing out everything that I do wrong or telling me that I make myself miserable. It doesn’t feel like there is enough balance. I’m having a difficult enough time with the situation that is continuing with Arleen and Judy communicating with me and with Grandma. Even before, Grandma I felt like I just didn’t want to hear you anymore and it was helping me to feel more depressed. For lack of a better phrase…I’m just tired of feeling like you picking on me for everything I do. I feel that I can’t get enough right and just want to give up.

Even if I read this to you, I hear you telling me that if I want a therapist to coddle me and fulfill my infantile fantasies that I should go see someone else. Also, that I’m fragmenting and do I want to continue to do this as I make myself miserable. And that I am fragmenting, so I’m not seeing and hearing things accurately. I’m causing my own problems by fragmenting and that I am responsible for it. I’m thinking that I’m just screwing up and that I need to talk responsibility. Not to make excuses, but I think that I just can’t do the right thing enough.

I am tired of feeling like you are criticizing me, but I know that you are just pointing out what I do and tell me that I am fragmenting. Although, you tell me that I make myself feel overwhelmed and emotional, I feel like I can’t say things that feel “overwhelming” or “emotional.” I do feel overwhelmed and tired, but I hear you telling me that I’m the one that is overwhelming myself and that I’m not weak and stronger than I think. The thoughts (suicide and self-injury) just keep getting louder. I feel like quitting therapy and hear you say that it is my decision which I know and also know that I it would not be wise at this point.

I feel like I need a little more support and comfort from you, but hear you say that I need to do that for myself. I’m tired of feeling like what I say that you become critical. And, then I hear you say that I’m just projecting or fragmenting. And, that then I should find a different therapist. I’m tired, overwhelmed, having louder thoughts, becoming more depressed and feeling like I’m responsible for everything and can’t do anything without screwing it up. I want to give up and I’m beginning not to care anymore. And, hear you saying that I am doing this to myself and making myself miserable; therefore, I should just stop it.

I’m angry, hurt, scared, depressed, fed up and wanting to just give up.

Well, needless to say, I was quite anxious about reading this to him.  All sorts of things running through my head.  He indicated that he was trying to get me to see how my self-hatred colors everything.  He also said, "that he probably has been clumsy about it and was somewhat frustrated with the process," and indicated that he probably was fragmenting also.  We talk about what has been going on inside and outside of therapy.  He also indicated that he probably was pushing too hard especially in light of what has been going on.  He apologized for making my depression worse.

I was really glad that I read the letter and felt so much better after getting it out and discussing it and that he took responsibility for his part in all of this.