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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A Part of My Heart is Gone

On Monday, February 1, 2010 my Grandma passed away. When she became ill, she lasted about two weeks.  Previously, she was spunky, silly, loving and full of life. Our entire family was with her when she passed away. It is quite difficult for anyone to understand my grief, for she helped to raise me and for several years, I lived with my grandparents. Sometimes, I get the feeling from others including my family that she was "only my grandmother." 

They left a great legacy.  Despite all of the in fighting and disagreements and people not speaking to each other, we all came together as a family.  We set aside our differences and grudges and focused on Grandma and supporting each other.  My grandparents formed us to "always" be a family in the tough times.

My heart feels like a part has been ripped out. I am sad, angry at her physician, and depressed.  My therapist told me to just let myself be whatever that may be in that moment instead of "shutting down" my feelings which just makes it worse. I have a difficult time doing this.

Dr. David Kessler, Grief and Loss Specialist for Tributes.com offers the best and the worst things to say to someone in this grief state :

The Worst Things to Say:

* At least she lived a long life, many people die young.
* He is in a better place.
* She brought this on herself.
* There is a reason for everything.
*Aren’t you over him yet? He has been dead for a while now.

My Additions: Things that I've heard or have been told.
*It is part of life.
*What did she die of?
*You have your memories of her.
*When was the last time you saw her?
*Were you close?
*At least she is not in pain anymore?
*It was good she went quickly, so she didn't suffer.
*Was she a Christian.
*She is with the Lord now.
*She is with your Grandpa now.
*I understand, when my __________, I___________.

The Best Things to Say:

* I am so sorry for your loss.
* I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
* I don’t know how you feel, but I am here If can help in anyway.
* You and your loved one will be in my thoughts.
* My favorite memory of _________ is _________

My additions:

*Listen to them talk.
*Allow them to laugh and cry.
*It is okay for you to cry also.
*Hug the person
*Send a sympathy card.
*Be there for them.
*Let them grieve in their own time...everyone grieves at different rates and may come up after a long while.
*Provide support or an outing on anniversary dates (i.e. holidays, her birthday, the date of her death, etc...
*Be specific with what type of help you want to give. i.e. grocery shop, make or take telephone calls, provide a meal at the date they specify, etc...

I love you Grandma and miss you!!!


Ana said...

I will offer you the post I did for my grandma that has died in 1998.
Since ever I thought I was going to suffer the hell but she was 82 years-old and her body didn't follow her mind.
I accepted very well and a kind of understanding comforted me.

Hope you like it.
Simply Red did a version for this song and it's also very beautiful.

Debbie said...

I'm so sorry about your Grandma. My thoughts are with you.

Svasti said...

CC, I'm very sorry for your loss. I've never really been close to any of my grandparents. And I never lived with mine. I know that time you had living in their place must have been such a relief for you!

Wishing you all the best at this trying time xo

Mike Golch said...

{{{{CC}}}}Sorry for your loss,hugs and prayers.

Clueless said...

Thank you Ana...beautiful song.

Debbie, Thank you. It has been a tough week.

Svasti, I was really blessed to have both Grandparents to help raise me...they saved my life. I miss them both.

Mike, thanks for the big hug...I really needed that. Thank you for the prayers.

Missing In Sight said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your grandma in my thoughts.

Safe {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} if you'll take them.

Take care.

Clueless said...

Thank you Missing in Sight. I definitely take hugs. Thank you for the comfort.

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