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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Stressed Out

Last time, I wrote about Arleen and Judy and what happened on Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday, my therapist told me to just relax that day and take care of myself.  Well, that was fine until, my husband and I recieved a call telling us that my Grandma only has 25% of her lungs working and was given one day to six months. We don't yet know anymore detail even what is diagnosed with, but I'll update as I know. The nursing home gave me some information and put me down as a person to release information to.  I did get to talk to Grandma who seemed a bit confused and was having difficulty breathing and has 24 hours a day oxygen.  I expressed some concerns and was directed to speak with the nursing supervisor tomorrow. Now, I'm really stressed and getting more depressed.

Thursday, morning I called to obtain information and was told that Susan (my mother) had specifically asked that my name be taken off...I was really pissed.  What a passive-aggressive thing to do!!!  To my surprise Judy called and gave me some information.  The conversation focused on Grandma and the conversation went well.  She also called in the evening and spoke with my husband about Michael (uncle) and Susan looking for a board and care for Grandma without telling anyone else.  Now, Arleen, Judy, my husband and I were/are totally against this as Arleen and Judy wanted Grandma to live with them.  (Where would you want to live the rest of your life and pass away?  With strangers? or with your loving family?)  Michael stated that "they lived too damn fucking far away." (in reality it is closer) 

Michael did ask did ask for information regarding what to look for in a good facility.  I sent him some information and also expressed that I thought that Grandma would be better off living with Arleen and Judy.  By the end of the day, Judy told my husband that they told my Grandma that they were selling her home.  (However, no one had yet told her that she was terminal...such sensitivity!).

On Friday, I called Grandma to see how she was doing.  She really wasn't able to talk, but she was able to tell me that she might die that night according to her doctor and that she had pneumonia and was waiting for Susan to tell give consent for medications.  I called Micheal and he confirmed what Grandma had said.  I immediately called Arleen and Judy.  Arleen stated, that she would make some telephone calls to find out what was going on.  We hung up the telephone with both of us saying, "I love you."

Arleen called and clarified what was going on and made sure that Grandma understood that she was not going to die that day.  She was also taking medications for her pneumonia and the consent was for an appetite stimulant.  In the meantime, the whole family was getting ready to come to the nursing home which was 30 minutes to two hours away for all of us.  But, once Arleen clarified this information we all relaxed somewhat and didn't go visit.

(Before this Judy had called me in the afternoon, to let me know that her mother had died and we talked for a while without any tension and no mention of what has been going on between the two of us. I really felt badly for her as there was so much for her to deal with.)  Judy also called later and talked about Grandma and about her mother...it was a good conversation.  I think, she felt supported.

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