PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part II continued
I don't understand, I thought my step-father's father was better to me than my step father, but he turned out to be just as bad to me. I thought he liked me and I was beginning to like him. Confusing because I liked his attention, but it meant that he would hurt me. Feel bad because I keep thinking it happened because I wanted him to like me and pay attention to me. I kept wondering what I did wrong to make him turn on me.
Always wondering what I did wrong. Everything had to be my fault. I could have done something to prevent it. I need to fix it...make it better, but don't know how. I just want to die right now. I'm feeling really bad and wanting to cut and bruise and just die. I don't think it would make a difference if we talked. I just want to curl up disappear and die. [just this week, I finally got it on a deeper level that I didn't do anything wrong...they were really sick.]
Talking with you today helped. I remember feeling like this almost all the time especially as a teenager and it was so much worse on the weekend. Often times, I tried to sleep most of the day because I had a headache. I now know that they were migraines. Remember, wanting to die, kill myself or cut or bruise especially on the weekend. The weekends were always difficult. Usually something would happen. Every Saturday, with my mother and every Sunday with my step-father. Too much...just wanted to die. Sad that I remember being really young and having the same type of thoughts and feelings...so much pain, so early.
So many times feeling like crying and not doing so...hurts so much. Felt good just to be able to let you know how painful and difficult this weekend is. Never being able to share it before as it happened...keeping quiet. Keeping it to myself. Numb out make it go away.
Wanting so much not to feel and for the flashbacks to stop. The crying seems to make the flashbacks more real. Felt food just to be able to leave messages and to talk with you. Helped to ground me some. Kept going into I don't matter, nothing matters and the promises don't matter.
Just with the memories, I remember how much pain and how much I wanted to scream and cry. Feeling like crying now. Seems like so much happened. Seems like so much pain and other feelings. Seems overwhelming. Feels panicky, feels bad. So many time, I didn't cry when I really need to. It isn't just what happened or how my mother was, but it is realizing how self- destructive I became to cope. [new realization at that point in time]