Panicking!!! (Two Posts For Today)

I am in a panic as I made an appointed with a dietician for Monday evening!!  I had contacted her on Monday and she called back yesterday afternoon.  When I was working as a social worker she was my favorite dietician that I referred my clients. She is very nice and realistic. I told her a bit about why I need services...tough to do. 

So, not only do I already know the dietician, she is good and will come to my home.  She also said that she will not charge me as it is her way of giving back to the community.  (I do wonder if she is just saying that.)

It may seem like this has been a rushed decision, but believe me that I don't write something or gather information just for the fun of it. I do this after thinking about my things for a long time and then out of the blue it seems like I come up with what I'm going to do and follow through. In other words, I don't talk about something until I am ready to act upon it.

Reminder: Tell me your caption for this picture

(Tell me how you would like to caption this picture)

Just a reminder that, I've decided that I am going to "drop" out of Entrecard. It takes far too much of my time and I would rather read blogs and take a look at ones that I have been wanting to read. It was a tough decision as I have found some really great blogs. But, there are other ways that are more meaningful and worth my time. 

As of today, I have over 1000 credits that I will give to the best caption for the picture below. Even if you don't have Entrecard, I'd like to hear what caption that you have. I will feature the winner in this catagory in a blog. Have fun!! Contest ends on March 31th. I will reveal the winner on April 1st...no, fooling.

I will continue to drop, but decided to continue to accept advertisements in order to increase my EC credits. I've decided that the top five Entrecard card droppers and the winner of the caption contest will have a post dedicated just to them and the rest will be in a post together. I'll announce the winners tomorrow.I will be featuring the following blogs which are in no particular order:

As The Crackerhead Crumbles
Epicurean Health
Rambling Stuff
Get Anxiety Help
Nature's Fury and Beauty in Pictures
First Door on the Left
Health Assistant
My Strength My Song
Mature Not Senile
Sound of a Soft Breath

Taking Initiative

I really don't want to write this post, but I feel like I need to do so. My therapist was proud of me and I was proud of myself.  Why?  Because I wrote yesterday's post and because I called regarding obtaining information regarding a nutritionist. I called my insurance company to find out what was covered and for general information.  I also called and left a message for a nutritionist that I used to work with when I was a social worker.

In therapy, we talked more about my eating disorder. I've never been able to talk about it at this level...open and honest.  Even six months ago, I would have shut down and become defensive.  He told me that it was not different than my suicidal thoughts and self-injury.  Meaning they were problems that needed to be address just as my eating disorder needs to be address. I also told him that I needed help that the pressure with trying to lose weight kicks up my eating disorder behavior. He told me that it would be very difficult to be in my situation without some help.

I just feel so much pressure. I told him that even though, I'm researching it that doesn't mean that I will follow through.  But, we both know me and indicated that this is exactly what I do everytime that I get ready to act upon it. *sigh* I don't like to admit that I really need help with this.  The other point is that it makes me sad and angry that I've struggled with this for so long keeping me from doing other things. I'm also really realizing how consuming this has been for so long. It is also painful and I'm scared which are some of the most difficult emotions for me to handle. 

I also told him that I feel really guilty that I am supposed to be losing weight, but my husband and I have been having a small scoop of ice cream every night.  He told me that it wasn't really an impact on my weight and that it doesn't take into account the benefit of time with my husband and sharing just the two of us. Also, it isn't like I'm eating a whole carton of Haagen Daaz Fives, but if we were spliting the carton that would be a whole different thing.  I laughed and agreed...my therapist and I shared a love for this ice cream.

Ironically, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and will talk to him about it and finding a nutritionist or dietician...I guess, I am really serious about getting better!

More Truth Sinking In!!

Well, I want to share my current process with my eating disorder...at least, I think I do...my tummy is full of butterflies now.  For those who missed a sort of introductory into this, scroll down to the bottom of the page (I know it is long) and look for three consequtive posts beginning March 9th.

This has been an very tough month regarding my anorexia (there I said it).  I'm still finding clothing here and there and putting my smalls into Space Bags (they work great) and donating my smaller clothing. A couple of things that are real clear. One, that I love clothing and two, how quickly I gained my weight due to my health last year. I have a very, very, very, very limited amount of medium sized clothing.  Also, I went from an A cup to a C cup and completely missed purchasing a B cup!!! I end up in a DD cup and extra-large to large.  Sheesh!! I feel like I am mourning and losing something very important to me. Something that I was hanging on for my life.

In donating my (probably 400 pieces) extra extra-smalls, smalls, size zero, and size 24/25, I've become more focused and have realized that it consumes my thoughts throughout the day and has for over 25 years.  It is quite sobering.  It literally had taken over my life and nearly killed me. I'm beginning to understand how pervasive, unrelenting this has been.  I am trying to hang onto it and trying to keep it at the same time...ambivalence. Ambivalence is a part of everything with me including live or die...being ambivalent about me.

To eat, not to eat, what to eat are constant choices throughout the day. I feel so much pressure to do the "right" thing. But, often, I chose not to eat because I'm not hungry, do not want to or because I ate "such and such" earlier in the day or yesterday. But, even when I eat, I'm thinking about what I may have to eat later.  And, on it goes.  It is with me throughout the day...constant.

I'm feeling angry and really sad.  And, sometimes, I just want to throw a tantrum telling everyone that I am not going to eat and will fit back into my extra-smalls.  I feel a bit panicked.  What happens if I don't watch what I eat and how much I weigh?  How do I lose my weight gain and not use my usual route of not eating?  How does one do that?  I'm scared...what if I don't lose the weight and I will be fat the rest of my life.  How much do I want to spend and waste my life on this? How much does this cause me from accomplishing my goals? When does the pain stop?

Where did the pain come from?  Do I want to feel?  Do I really want to delve into the reasons why I began my eating disorder anyway? Do I want to feel my self-hatred which is at the base of all of my dysfunctional behavior? When does the pain stop? When will I allow myself to love instead of hate me?

"Awesome God" with backing vocals and piano by Michael W. Smith ~ Worship in Song

"The Gov't Can"

Courage is...

Unless you have courage, a courage that keeps you going, always going, no matter what happens, there is no certainty of success. It is really an endurance race. ~ HENRY FORD, Theosophist Magazine, Feb. 1930

Goals...score!!

Recently, I have been learning, at a deeper level, the amount of energy that it takes to maintain my defences. (I'll probably post something about this next week).  Anyway, it takes my energy away from meeting and enjoying reaching my goals.  My goals are sort of broken down in to short-term and long-term goals.  In no particular order, these are my goals (may or may not be realistic):

• Have my husband sleep in the same bed with me.
• exercise and have a personal trainer
• bake and cook again
• grocery shop
• volunteer
• reduce therapy hours
• set up a living will with my husband
• get healthy
• go to church
• go to church small group
• see Wicked
• to see in concert Crosby, Still and Nash; Chicago with Earth, Wind and Fire, Carly Simon, Barry Manilow, Olivia Newton-John, Elton John, Eric Clapton, Adam Lambert, Creed, Rob Thomas, Jason Mraz, Train, Michael Buble, Kelly Clarkson and The Gay Mens Chorus of Los Angeles.
• Prepare for taking the GRE.

• Earn my doctorate in Clinical Psychology
• Use my education for becoming involved with my church, mental health, developmental disabilities, and GLBT.
• get involved with advocacy, counseling, speaker, counsult, train and set up programs for the above.
• write a book
• take culinary classes
• become a Nordstrom personal shopper with only M-F and off by 6pm.
• meet people that I only know from online
• terminate therapy
• be completely off medications
• visit Epcot Center, Hawaii, northern california, New York, washington D.C., Europe (England, Italy and Greece)

I need to get better before I can complete some of these...But, just imagine the possiblities...I can have control over what I want out of my life.

What Would You Do?

I know that this is not a usual post, but I want opinions.  I have an antibody that is low, so I have been receiving infusion therapy/immunoglobulin therapy every four weeks for about six months now.  The following is a description is from Mayo Clinic:

Immunoglobulin therapy. Also called gamma globulin therapy, this treatment can be a lifesaver for people who have an antibody deficiency. Immunoglobulin consists of antibody proteins needed for the immune system to fight infections. It can be either injected into a vein through an IV line, or inserted underneath the skin (subcutaneous infusion). Treatment with intravenous gamma globulin is needed every few weeks to maintain sufficient levels of immunoglobulins. Subcutaneous infusion is needed once or twice a week.

Getting my rate of the amount given by ml per hour.  I am very sensitive to the rate and last month we figured out that my rate should not go above 60 ml, for which, the order is written as such. I am receiving it at home due to my allergies to all types of fragrances and some odors. It takes about six and a half hours at that rate.

Yesterday, the nurse that was sent to my home was very nice.  However, I suspect that she increased the rate to 70 ml while I was napping. When I woke up from my nap, I did not feel good.  I was beginning to get a migraine and was nauseated which are some of the symptoms that I had when the rate was above 60 ml.  I need to use "the little girls room" and had my husband go with me. We checked the rate and it was at 70 ml. 

I went back to the living room where I was receiving treatment.  I told the nurse my symtoms and she stated that we needed to lower the rate.  Then, out of character, she asked what rate do I want it at.  I asked what is the rate currently and she stated, "60." I asked again, as I was not feeling well, (it was a test and a way to give her an out).  She stated "60," so I told her 50 ml. This morning at 12:30am I woke up because my right forearm was red, blotchy and itchy.

Now, I'm trying to decide what to do. I could just call and complain.  Wait for the pharmacist of the home care center to call due to my side effects being charted. I need to schedule an appointment, so I could request that I not have her assigned to me again. There are also other options.  What do you think I should do or what would you do?