"Lord I Lift Your Name/Hallelujah" ~ Shawn Thomas ~ Worship in Song

Full or Empty?

This is a post that I’ve been thinking about since last year, but never felt the timing was right. Now, I don’t care, too much, if the timing is right or not. The cliché about is “your glass half full or half empty, sometimes gets on my nerves. Why? Sometimes, in life we analyze or think about things too much, when what is called for is action. I stay in the middle thinking about it which prevents me from actually making a decision and acting on it.

Now, I know that it is human nature to analyze or think unless you are impulsive. (that is a different issue) But, sometimes, we just need to do something anyway. At least, this is true in my life especially when I don’t want to take responsibility for what I decide. I look at it from all directions without ever taking any action.

Now, don't just stare at your coffee, drink it!!!

Share something that you need to or have done that required or requires action?

Addicted?

Today is officially National Caffeine Awareness Month...or should I say anti-caffeine awareness month. All of the articles that I've read seem to explain the reasons why you should quit...it is an addiction. I call it one of world's most socially acceptable drug. Please keep in mind that I love coffee and am an avid coffee fan...or is it addict. I can stop anytime...really.

Most of the information links back to the Caffeine Awareness Association. The following is their description from their site:

What is the Caffeine Awareness Association?

The Caffeine Awareness Association, a non-profit organization, is committed to the physical, mental, and emotional wellness of the public whose lives have been affected by their misuse of, or dependency on caffeine. Our mission is to provide objective, evidence-based information and advice to help reduce the health, social, and economic harm associated with caffeine abuse and addiction.

Did you know that an average size expresso drink has less caffeine than the average brewed coffee? Or that coffee comes second only to petroleum as the world’s most widely traded commodity? Caffeine can be found in coffee, decaf coffee, tea, decaf tea, medications, chocolate, sodas, and many other sources. For a child three caffeinated sodas is equivalent to an adult drinking three cups of coffee. It takes about six hours to exit your system.

There are many risks that have been found from intaking caffeine. Some are still in testing phases. It affectes the brain in similar ways of cocaine, heroine, methamphetamines as they all produce dopamine which stimulates the please area of the brain and increases adrenaline.

Caffeine increased cholesterol, is artery clogging, highly addictive, promotes heart disease, pancreas and bladder cancers, disturbs our central nervous system, increases risk for hypoglycimia, , increases risk for gallstones. It affects the brains ability to take adenosine which causes sleepiness. It also creates headaches, dehydration, impairs absorbtion of iron and calcium, causes headaches, and impairs the body's ability to absorb iron and calcium. Doctors recommend that pregnant women, heart disease patients and those at risk for osteoporosis should not drink coffee.

So, are decaffinated items better? Even decaffinated items contain some caffeine. For coffee, some of the processes used to "decaffeinate" produce dangerous carcinogens. However, those that use "naturally decaffeinated" or "swiss water processed" are safe.

The UP side of caffeine reseach is showing that it does help prevent heart disease and asthma. It also increases the body to produce antioxidants. It increases memory, mixed with carbohydrates replenishes the body faster, decreases risks for colan cancer and cirrhosis of the liver, can stimulate hair growth in those that are balding, decreases post work out pain by 48%, wards off Alzheimers disease, eases depression, increases stamina, decreased risk for diabetes, Parkinsons disease and risk of cavities.

Research at times seems contradictory and are in the beginning stages, but there are some things that are consistent regarding the addictive effect. So, it is up to you.

If you decide to stop drinking coffee or other caffeinated items be prepared as it is a drug with withdrawl side effects. When caffeine intake is reduced, the body then becomes oversensitive to a chemical in the brain (adenosine) relevant to the sleep process, causing blood pressure to drop dramatically, producing an excess of blood in the head area (not necessarily on the brain), and leading to a headache often lasting several days.

Other withdrawal symptoms reported are fatigue and muscle pain, irritability, inability to work, nervousness, restlessness, and feeling sleepy, and in extreme cases, nausea and vomiting. Gradual reduction of caffeine intake abates these symptoms.  I've had "cold turkey" withdrawl symptoms and they are horrible!!

By the way, I'm drinking my morning coffee while writing this and it is mine...all mine!!  Every place of employment and my family all know that they are unable to talk to me unless I've had some coffee.  I also can drink a full cup of coffee and go right to sleep.  But, I'm really not addicted!!

Time for some fun:

To find out how many cup of numerous choices of caffeine that it would take to kill yourself go to this link: http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine.

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Sites

Why Suicide?

Many people are wondering why Marie's Osmond's son, Michael Bosil; Walter Keonig's, son Andrew Koenig and Alexander McQueen, British fashion icon all commited suicide.  Unfortunately, there are some textbook signs that all of them had.  Number one is they were all diagnosed with depression. Depression is the leading cause of suicides and is a mental illness that you cannot just snap out of it. Even with therapy and medications it is difficult to overcome or manage. Treatment is necessary!!  Not all suicides are due to depression.

From National Institute of Mental Health:  Depression

"Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad, but these feelings are usually fleeting and pass within a couple of days. When a person has a depressive disorder, it interferes with daily life, normal functioning, and causes pain for both the person with the disorder and those who care about him or her. Depression is a common but serious illness, and most who experience it need treatment to get better.

Many people with a depressive illness never seek treatment. But the vast majority, even those with the most severe depression, can get better with treatment. Intensive research into the illness has resulted in the development of medications, psychotherapies, and other methods to treat people with this disabling disorder."

Often when a person commits suicide the question is, "why?" People commit suicide, due to responding to extreme emotional pain, and suicidal thoughts and feelings due to various brain chemistry deficiencies and/or disorders. Prolonged life circumstances of extreme stress, emotional upset, abuse, poverty, terrible living conditions, neglect, poor health, injury, disability - especially with no apparent hope of change or improvement can and do precipitate depression and suicidal thoughts for some.  Hopelessness sets in.

A major loss or such has having a close loved one die, lost custody over their children, losing a job, money or house are also some other reasons.  Remember, it is their perception of the loss, not yours. When the individual finds that they have a serious or terminal illness, they become so frightened of the path that is ahead of them that they go ahead and kill themselves. Domestic violence, assault and rape are some other reasons. A child being murdered, kidnapping and child molestation are some more reasons.

Andrew Koenig's behavior before his suicide was a textbook case for suicide. The major signs and symptoms were present.

• He had planned this at least a month in advance. He gave his landlord 30 days notice.
• He sold or gave away his belonging.
• He turned down a job which was unchararistic of him.
• He left objects on his friend's doorsteps.
• He made sure that his friend's received borrowed items.
• He basically cleaned out his apartment and gave all of his belongings away.
• He was described by family friends as severely depressed.
• He stopped taking his medications.  This is a warning sign and a precusor of mood changes.
• This all took place before his move from Los Angeles to Vancouver where his body was found.

Unfortunately, no one had the complete picture until after his suicide.  This is often the case, but put all the behavior together you have a picture of a man set to commit suicide. He had left a suicide note.

Michael Bosil, reportedly had been diagnosed with depression was hospitalized for treatment.  He had been depressed and left a suicide note with a friend who recieved it too late.

Alexander McQueen, had been distraught over the death of his mother.  A few days after her death he committed suicide on the eve of her funeral. On his blog, he seemed to be handling it well until a couple of days before the funeral.  His writing became darker, hopeless, desperate and covert.  He also left a suicide note.

There are many famous people who have had or have depression including Adam Ant, Adam Duritz, Amy Tan, Anne Rice, Ashley Judd, Billy Corgan, Billy Joel, Boris Yeltsin, Brian Wilson, Brooke Shields, David Bohm, Delta Burke, Diana, Princess of Wales, Dick Cavett, Drew Carey, Emma Thompson, Nanny McPhee, Harrison Ford, Heath Ledger, Hugh Laurie, J. K. Rowling, Jeffrey Sebelia, Jim Carrey, John Denver, Kurt Cobain, Marie Osmond, Mark Roget, Mike Wallace, Olivia Newton-John, Owen Wilson, Pete Wentz, Richard Jeni, Rodney Dangerfield, Rosie O'Donnell, Sheryl Crow, Tennessee Williams, Terry Bradshaw, Trent Reznor and Vincent Van Gogh just to name a few as there are many more celebrities who have never talked about their battles with depression.

Untreated Depression is the major cause of suicide.

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.

Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2) has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in the house?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him or herself.

IS PATH WARM?

Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Anxiety—Agitation/Insomnia
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out
Hopelessness

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html
http://www.befrienders.org/http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Suicide Myths and Facts from Healthy Place

Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.

Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” ~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi

“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

Help Me Choose!!

Okay, I need everyone's help. I want to finally pick and icon and stick with it.  So far, these are my choices.  Remember that they will be smaller.  Also, to clarify the last two are of Jesus holding an infant. So, please leave a comment saying, "#1, #2, etc..  Thanks for your help.  Also, leave a comment if you have another idea in mind.

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

Self Injury Awareness Day

I am one of the estimated 5% (not including eating disorders which is also a form of self injury) of Americans who struggle with self-injury. I have been self-injury free for about one year except for my eating disorder and unintentional non-compliance with physican orders. But, the daily urge to cut, burn or bruise is not there anymore.  Sure, there are "good" day and "bad" days. I used to think about all the time, but not anymore.  It was kind of like Muzak because that is what it is all the time with the volume turned up, at times.

It is called self-injury, self-harm, self-injury; whatever, you name it is one of the most misunderstood behaviors associated with mental illness.  But, I share my struggles with celebrities who at one time or another self-injured including Fiona Apple, Brody Dalle, Johnny Depp, Richey Edwards, Colin Farrell, Jessicka Fodera, Kelly Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Alfred Kinsey, Courtney Love, Marilyn Manson, Princess Diana, Shirley Manson, Christina Ricci, Amy Studt, Sid Vicious and Amy Winehouse to name a few. These names were confirmed by self-injury.net.

This came from Live Journal and it nicely sums up those who self-injure...

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Self-injury is an addiction. According to FirstSIGNS, self-injury is defined as...

“Self-injury is any deliberate, non suicidal behaviour that inflicts physical harm on your body and is aimed at relieving emotional distress. Physical pain is often easier to deal with than emotional pain, because it causes 'real' feelings. Injuries can prove to an individual that their emotional pain is real and valid. Self-injurious behaviour may calm or awaken a person. Yet self-injury only provides temporary relief, it does not deal with the underlying issues. Self-injury can become a natural response to the stresses of day to day life and can escalate in frequency and severity.”

Types of self-injury include, but is not limited to cutting, burning, poisoning, bruising, overdosing, carving words or symbols on the skin, breaking of bones, hitting or punching oneself, piercing the skin with sharp objects, head banging, pinching, biting, pulling out hair and interfering with wound.

Personally, I have cut, burned and bruised myself. It is a part of my expression of self-hatred. I have some scared, but the cutting ones do not show. I have hidden the marks even from my husband. What I experience is that I usually do this to release the tension of intense feelings or agitation and to make the thoughts go away. It brings a sense of calm. That is where the addition cycle comes in because it releases endorphins, but then I feel guilty and ashamed…and there the cycle starts. It is an ADDICTION!!

Most people start in adolesence. However, the first instance may occur much earlier. My first instance was when I was four or five. It reached its peak when I was in my mid-twenties and almost forty years later I still struggle. I was able to stop for a few years. I am injury free right now!!

I believe mine started as a way to deal with my sexual abuse other abuse, my emotions being unacceptable and watching other be out of control, domestic violence and chaos completely surrounding my childhood.

I was doing well for about five years. But, when  my grandfather passed away, I started again. At one point, work and therapy became so stressful that I was cutting 4-5 times per day just to get through work because I started to have flashbacks of my abuse.

What other reasons do people self-injure?  Communication, self-expression of emotions, release and relief from intolerable distress, having a sense of control over one's emotions and environment, a cry for help, defense against emotional pain, self punishment, self hatred, expression of thoughts and feelings that are difficult to express.

A few words of advice, please don't tell me to "just stop."  You may think that is helpful or that will solve everthing.  I put incredible pressure to stop...more than anyone else.  By telling me to "just stop," it makes me feel like I'm a bad person which leads to more self-injure. I need to learn coping mechanisms, how to express myself appropriately and how to love myself. But, then everything won't just be fine..there are many underlying issues, so self-injury is my way of defending against that which I never wanted to deal with in the first place.  Also, do not get into power struggles with me it makes me feel less in control.  Self-injury like eating disorders are a form of control. 

To obtain other information including how to help a loved one please look at the links in this article or do an Internet search.  There is a lot of information out there.  I hope this article caused you to look at self-injury in a different light and HOPE both for those who do this and for those who don’t.

"Give Us Clean Hands" ~ Chris Tomlin ~ Worship in Song

Bohemian Rhapsody??

Over 12 million have watched this video on YouTube, enjoy!!

The original:

This Queen classic has been parodied many times.

Trivia: Queen played very few gigs at the start, avoided the club circuit and rehearsed for two years while they all remained in college. They are the most educated band in rock history. (May began work on a Ph.D. in astronomy; Taylor has a degree in biology; Deacon, a degree in electronics; and Mercury had one in illustration and design.)

Share your YouTube videos links and all comments welcomed!!

Eating Disorders: A Personal Story

TRIGGER WARNING!!! This is not meant for anyone with an eating disorder to find ideas which you probably already know. I am purposefully not revealing my weight, height, sizes as a precautionary measure. I ask that you do the same in your comments.

I am really ambivalent about writing this post. All week, I’ve been writing about eating disorders for Eating Disorders Awareness Week and have not really used personal examples. Even in my blog and 500 plus posts later, I’ve really never addressed it directly and honestly. I feel like I want to be honest for me and in hopes that others can relate and know that there is help, hope and it is a process…no overnight fix…like any other addiction.

Yet, there is always a part of me that wants to keep my eating disorder and what it entails completely secret and not let anyone in. “I have control of it. I’m okay.” It is about control and many other issues. My gaining 60 pounds last year due to my health problems freaked me out. I felt so out of control with my body and appetite…one medication stimulated my appetite. It was like I just couldn’t stop gaining weight.  I hated and still do hate myself for not being able to control my appetite or eating...and for having gained SO much. (Self-hatred is also expressed in an eating disorder...slow suicide or self-harm. Taking care of yourself and loving yourself is all a part of eating. Not eating is my expressing my self-hatred and ambivalence to loving myself and living or dying.)

My therapist and I have talked about that my eating disorder is the first place that I go to when under stress. Grandma’s passing away has kicked it up again. Even before I was getting into trouble. I’ve lost ten pounds and week I weighed myself and I’ve gained some of it back. Immediately, went into what I can and cannot eat mode. I also know that it is a defense mechanism, so that I don’t have to deal with the emotions going on. And, also an indication of my self-hatred and expression of my sexual abuse and more. I didn’t have control then, but I will now just not in a healthy way.

Last year, my therapist and I got into some contentious “arguments” about my eating disorder. I insisted that I couldn’t be diagnosed as anorexic and he disagreed. We went back and forth. And, despite my weight gain and other symptoms, my thought patterns and emotions are the same. So, he kept making me say that “I am anorexic.” Okay, he is right, “I am anorexic.”

My eating disorder basically began with cutting up my food into small bites, eating some, then saying that I wasn’t hungry anymore. I was about 9 or 10 years old. Also, there were some signs before. Starting puberty in Junior High school was okay and I liked the attention that I was receiving from the boys. I also started restricting what I ate and what I would eat.

(Click on picture to see larger version)

Then, in High School, it was like everything stopped about caring about how I looked to others especially boys. My first boyfriend was physically and emotionally abusive and basically just wanted sex. I broke it off when he moved out of state. My second boyfriend only wanted sex and kept pushing me. He broke up with me over the telephone after I told him that I overdosed on Tylenol that day…nice huh. I stopped dating until a couple of years into college, I kept going on dates that were way to physically and sexually aggressive for me…it was three or less dates and I'd say, "bye." Actually, I just stopped returning telephone calls.

During High School, I really started restricting my diet. However, during my last year, I began to gain weight into college and my mother and step-father has a horrible divorce and I moved four times in one year including during finals. Then, I just stopped eating or restricting my diet. At that point, I became underweight and could have been hospitalized. Don’t tell my therapist…I keep denying this point. But, he is right.

Since I had been somewhat overweight, I really liked being able to fit into smaller, cuter clothes and the compliments. I also enjoyed losing weight. I felt good in being able to do so. It felt good to be able to not eat for an entire day and ignore signs of hunger. Eventually, I didn’t have any feelings of being hungry. I also started to calorie count and foods went into good and bad categories. I also began to exercise twice per day.

With the help of therapy, I eventually was able to let go with much resistance. That is such an understatement. What most people don’t understand is that it is an addiction. I always need to be careful. I was doing great for about five years and then my Grandpa passed away and I went spiraling down into depression and into my eating disorder. I entered therapy and my repressed memories surfaced.  So, all of my symptoms and defense mechanisms increased.

It can start with seemingly benign thinking, feeling or behaving. For me, whenever, I start to lose weight, I have a goal, but the goal keeps getting lower and lower. Foods become good and bad. I like the feeling of being hungry. And, many other things.

I know that now I am in a little bit of trouble as I am losing weight by restricting or skipping meals. Lying to my husband about what I ate. The garbage disposal is a good thing for me.  Becoming anxious at mealtimes and with everything I eat or drink. I’ve become preoccupied with my body, calories, weighing myself everyday and categorizing foods. It really is an addiction…you get that first taste of the endorphins and then you are hooked again. I think of it as I am always in recovery. I will always need to be careful.

Right now, I am quite overweight due to last years health issues and have difficulty knowing or wanting to try other ways of losing weight quickly. (No advice please…often those with eating disorders know more about food than some professionals.)  With me right now, as with anyone, it is the willingness to give up the illusion of control and deal with what is emotionally going on.  Somedays, I feel like I can tackle this and I want this and then other times, I get into "I don't care what this does to me.  I'm going to lose the weight."  But it never stops there the bar just keeps lowering.  As it does my self-harm and suicidal ideation increases.  I also get into a "fuck you" mode..I don't care if I die for this...I want to die anyway.

It is an obsession and an addiction. I feel so good when I lose weight, fit into smaller clothing or am able to go without eating. It is a form of self-harm, self-hatred, a defense and a way to control my emotions. I do want to talk with my therapist just so I can be honest with someone. I am also quite ambivalent because I don’t want to change what I am doing despite the potential problems. I had told my therapist that my realistic goal was to eat something at every meal. But, at this point, that isn’t realistic. What is realistic is for me to eat at least one full meal a day. (This week when I brought this up, he told me that he wanted me to push harder and to eat two meals...I am ambivalent about this as I am with much of my life...Welcome to Borderlineville.)

The irony of this whole thing is that my therapist recently said that he might have me write down a food log for him. I didn’t know that this week was coming up as I had written the posts way in advance. Additionally, wouldn’t you know it, but my psychiatrist spent 20 years with eating disorders as his specialty…I didn’t know that when I started with him. LOL!!! God is looking out for me. Remember there is hope!!! (I need to remind myself of this and to let go.)

Again, this is not meant for anyone with an eating disorder to find ideas which you probably already know. I am purposefully not revealing my weight, height, sizes as a precautionary measure. I ask that you do the same in your comments. If you need assistance, please seek professional help or go to any of the links on my side bar or in the previous posts for this week.