Past Journal Entry: 2006 ~ Feeling Bad

Past Journal Entry: January 17, 2006 ~ 6:45 PM

Another entry from my past journals.  I hope that you can see the differance and the progress that I've made from that time until now and understand some of my process.  Current commentary will be in purple. (I hope, if I remember! LOL) Oh, most of my journal are addressed to my therapist, Gary, and most were read to him or discussed.

Gary,

Seems like I've had a difficult time since the end of session.  Feeling bad about talking about showing Adrian the different homes that in the area that I lived in and where most of my sexual abuse too place, lots of flashbacks, and alse about crying. [Over the weekend, we were in the area, so I showed my husband where I used to live, my grandparents and Gene's (step-father parents...I think, this really triggered me, but I am feeling guilty because "I did that to myself" Of course, now I know that wasn't the case.] I'm wanting to cut, put my hand threw glass and stab my lef.  Wanting to die and being really fearful and going away.

Today, was tough and when I got to the office, Kristina [co-worker] immediately made me feel bad and then, I was angry. [I reacted and fragmenting into "I am bad."  She was also fragmenting. :-)] She asked it I was going to the Union rally and board meeting tonight. [executive director was refusing to negotiate current contract]  I told her "no" because I have a therapy appointment. She told me that my job is more important than my therapy session and that I could always have the session tomorrow.  I told her that I do support the union and do what I can...She said that I only support them in words and that wasn't enough...I walked away and got frustated because I really wanted to leave a message with you, but couldn't get a signal.  I was feeling really bad and wanting to cut.

Then Niima came in and said that she knew that I supported the union in ways that I can and that Kristina is just fired up. I think, I was already making everything bad, but I had an extremely difficult time focusing today and kept going away.  However, I did do some good work with my difficult families and clients today face to face.

I keep having flashbacks...Like I can see myself and feel  what I felt in the duplex or at Grandma and Grandpa's or Maye and Bill's.  Feeling so alone, really wanting out of the duplex or Maye and Bill's , wanting someone to take care of me, listen to me, comfort me and help me to understand.

[Reading this reminds me of how much difficulty I was having with trying to focus on work with the flashbacks and feeling defensive and 'fragile' and 'reactive' all time. At this point, I was in therapy 7 hours per week due to the intensity of how things were for me.  Additionally, I was talking to him on the telephone almost everyday. Oh, did I mention that I was working full-time with a very intense case load...looking back, I felt like I was okay as long as I could work.  By the way, bad is not a feeling.  It is a self-judgement, in which, I am telling myself that I am a bad person.]

Past Journal Entry: January 17, 2006 ~ 6:45 PM